She has been with me for my whole 20 years. Neither had I left her side nor she left me. She is always there. She was there with me for 20 years.
She was with me on my first stage of my school years.
I can still remember those times that she would sit outside my kindergarten school and patiently wait for me until my class finishes. Those times that she would bring me with her every time she'll go to the market, I hope that I would never forget those memories. Those nights that I love to sleep with her, I got so familiar with her scent for the past 20 years but now, months after I lost her, my familiarization with her scent is slowly fading away. I also love the softness of her bed that I would always sneak into her room and play on top of her bed.
She was there on the second stage of my school years.
She enrolled me in my class as a first year elementary student. She would be there attending my homeroom meetings and would attentively participate on that so boring meetings. She was there with me on a daily basis. Minutes after I woke up in the morning, I would see her in the kitchen cooking breakfast for me. And every time that I woke up late for school, she would be there waking me up. She would always bring me at her farm. She wants me to see the world where she grew up. She loves farming and gardening. I would watch her play with plants and asked me to play with her. I may not be comfortable with gardening, but I loved landscaping. She even introduced to me her flowers. And oh! She loves writing my full name. She was proud of me that she would even announce to everybody that I graduated with honors and awards. She was there and she will always be.
She was with me on my ups and downs as a teenager.
She would still be waking up early to cook my breakfast and prepare for my lunchbox. She would wait for my school service so that I would not be late. She was happy when I was enrolled in one of the prestigious high school in our community. She would always remind me to keep up the good work. She was there when I got flu. She would cook my favorite food. I would get spoiled during my sick days. She was there listening to my stories. She would listen even though she won't know the persons I'm talking about. She was so happy when I introduced my best of friends to her. She love my friends the way that I love them. She would panic every time I tell her that my best friends would pay a visit. She was like a teenager getting excited seeing my friends. She would be there sitting with me as I finish my home works despite of her getting asleep as I finish my loads of school works.
She was there during my hardships in college.
She was the only person who did not raise an argument that I should enroll on the course that I want. She was always there for me. She would still sit with me as I make my home works. She would be talking things I do not know or things I already knew so that I won't be asleep while making my home works. She would watch me do my things. How she loved watching me do my projects. She would just smile when I got irritated if my projects won't work. She was proud, I knew it. On my third year in college, she started fading away. She was diagnosed with an enlargement of heart. Every day, her heart keeps on growing. There was no other treatment. I tried, we all tried to accept this news. The diagnosis was that, she was on her terminal stage.
She asked me one time if I could bring her something sweet to eat. I did not promise her because I was so busy with school. Days after as I was going home, I remembered her favor that's why I brought her a small chocolate brownies. When I went home, I gave it to her and I was a bit mad when she just placed it on her bedside table. I just ignore it and let the days went on. After three days, I saw the brownies I bought and I saw that it was only in half. I checked the expiration date to see if it is still okay. I saw that it has two weeks shelf life so I returned it to her table. I was happy that she was eating those brownies.
Since the day that she was diagnosed, there were great changes in her. She would still try to prepare me breakfast but end up burning the food. She would still sit with me as I do my home works and studies but would fall asleep so fast. She would still start conversation but I would have to repeat the topic all the time because she won't hear me clearly. She was there even if she's hurting. But even if she was still there, I tried to ignore her. I can't afford to see her hurting. She was hurting and I can do nothing.
Every day that passes by makes me afraid of losing her. When we were sitting together, she asked me when will I be graduating college. I answered her that I still need 2 years. She took a deep breath. I know that it was a sign. I know that she won't last that long. I wanted to cry that time but I fought my sadness. I can't make her worry even more. I am already losing her and it's making me more scared.
On a Thursday morning, it was still her that woke me up.
I was awaken that she already left me and I came down rushing to her room. A little of me was expecting that this time will come but it still brought shock in me. She was there lying peacefully on her soft bed that I used to play on. It was both expected and unexpected. On Wednesday night, as I passed by her room, I could still hear her usual heavy breathing when she sleeps, she was still there. The 20 years of being there with me is over. It was painful.
At night when I go home, I am used seeing her sitting on the sofa watching news. She would be there asking me how I am. She would extend her hand so that I could kiss it. On the afternoons, I am used seeing her washing the dishes or taking a nap in her haven, there will be no more 'she' sleeping in the couch. There is no 'she' that would tell tales of mysterious creatures. There will be no wake up call on Sundays. There will be no Crazy dance moves as I play my music. There will be no other her, my grandmother, my Nanay.
I know, I'll miss you forever.
