I Am Doing This For You

A Year Later

The cold nights air whipped through my hair as he changed gears when we saw the traffic lights change. A smile shot to face when I heard the engines growling like a lion. We were going so fast the lights on the side of the road looked like a dull yellow strip racing us. Out of no where this car came. We couldn't stop spinning and I was in so much pain I dazed out. I don't remember a lot after that other then the ambulance trying to get us out. I get these images of his hands full of blood tangled in the steering wheel and shattered glass everywhere. That was when I realized everything has changed.

Its been close to a year since the accident. Things are far from the same.I live in a small town so everyone here knows about my past, they know about the crack in my heart and they don't feel bad for bringing it up daily and making it crack a bit more. I guess you could say that now I am a heartless bitch. I use to be popular, use to be the girl who cared and smiled .... he brought that out in me. I went to his grave every Sunday, stood the flowers up against head stone and thought about that night. The street lights flashing, the smell of rubber burning slowly, and the screams of us racing down the road, the texture of his hand like i was still holding it till this day. I had to go to a councillor for months until I gave up on feeling the same and she respected that. Now she sends me one of those inspirational emails as if it will bring him back. Truth is reality still hadn't hit me. Every morning I would text him "good morning my precious, see you at the front of the school in an hour" and when I got there I would carry on walking and smile. My grades were average but could be better. I guess everyone expected them to drop but I worked harder on my work so that I didn't think about it. On a different note I hadn't been in or on a object with an engine since I got driven home from the hospital. Don't get me wrong I still loved my cars and my dream of having a Nissan  1971 one day but right now cars were a HUGE no no. 

A new school semester was about to start. The thoughts of who I was going to try be friends with was off putting. The jocks, cheerleaders, geeks and musicians would all be in there own groups and I had to try find one. A vision of me as an adrenaline junky, mixing chemicals to make a bomb and hanging out with boys that were dumper then cleaners were a huge possibility. Just one problem. Now those boys will become men and have new cars and motorbikes. How was I going to concur my fears ..... How was I going to be the new me