& I'm just a girl.

A Decision.

Coward

noun cow·ard \ˈkau̇(-ə)rd\

: someone who is too afraid to do what is right or expected : someone who is not at all brave or courageous

~Merriam-Websters Dictionary

***********************

It was a surprisingly cold night that night. The girl was wrapped in a blanket and was staring into the darkness surrounding her. However, her thoughts were wildfire. Despite the cold of her body her mind was quite warm, with the constant flow of these thoughts zooming from every depth, dark corner, cobwebbed closet of her mind. She was in the darkness of her room but much like being asleep there were visions playing about her. Visions that made her gasp, visions that made her cry. They were so real, and that is what had scared her.

They were not visions of nothing however. They were visions of what would become of her if she makes a decision. A decision that could change her life. A decision that could never be taken back. She was afraid and had kept pushing this decision back, although now the time had come and she was anxious and the memories of what was kept resurfacing, and she didn't know if she could forgive.

She was afraid.

She was afraid to forgive because maybe she would change.

Maybe she would find herself have a liking to the decision.

Maybe she would become vulnerable.

She was afraid.

So while these visions surrounded her of what could be, she cried. And she felt this overwhelming sense of detachment. She was not mad. No she was never mad. She was to empathetic to harbor such an emotion for so long. She was sad and scared. She was scared of disappointment and she was scared of a farewell. She was scared of a goodbye. She was afraid that she would be left. She was afraid.

And when people tell her that the decision she will make is a no she believes them. Not because they are right. Because maybe avoiding it will be easier on her heart then a confrontation. Maybe because if they make her decision for her, the easy one, based on what they think she thinks, she wouldn't have to say anything. And in the end it was their decision, not hers. And that could be what she tells herself. But it would be a lie. Because of the empathy she harbors as well as the curiosity, a part of her wants to say yes. Despite her fear. Because she wants an explanation. She wants a reason.

And maybe all it took was for one of the only people she trusts to tell her she is not a coward. That they believe she should do it the hard way but if she does not it does not make her a coward. Maybe all it took was faith, not hers, but of his faith in her. Maybe she wasn't even doing it for herself, but maybe she was. Maybe it was only to prove something to him, but maybe it was to prove something to herself as well.

She needed this. She needed to prove she was not a coward, she needed to prove she could move on. She needed to prove that she could make a decision for her and she needed to prove that it was for her. Not for him or them. For her.

She needed closure and she deserved it. There were to many empty spaces in places that should be full. There were to many questions with no answers.

So as she drifted to sleep with these new found thoughts of independence the tears slowly stopped, her mind settled like leaves finally reaching the ground after the wind pushed them in places out of their control, the colorful and violent visions of what could be slowly melted from sight, and her body warmed. It was slow but it was sure.

She would not awake the same soul tomorrow, for nothing can remain what it once was when washed by tears cried true.