MISTAKES 2 (Tronnor fanfic)

#4 Memorie

TROYES POV

I woke up, feeling a huge headache and a voice in the back of my head told me to regret something. I was too sleepy and hurt to think what, as I groaned and grabbed the painkillers from out left nightstands drawer. I walked guietly to the bathroom beside our bedroom, and ran the water from the tap to let it colden up. I threw a large amount of painkillers and a few antidepressants in my mouth and flushed them down with water.

A huge hangover. Shit. My head hurt and stomach groaned in disgust, like telling me You stupid bitch, went and drank too much again. What a failure.

I looked at my red, puffy eyes from the mirror and at opened my mouth, breathing to smell my breath. Dis. Gus. Ting.

I brushed my teeth and jumped into the shower, treating and cleaning my tired, aching body. My mood has been so crappy lately. I don't even know why.
I mean, I am just a

Stupid boy? Who takes everything on granted? Look around you!!

big mess. Jesus Christ.

I jumped out of the steaming shower to the cold cruelity, feeling the shivers again.
I stomped downstairs, not smelling the soft smell of Connors eco coffee or hearing Levi laugh at Petras jokes. They can't still be asleep, I mean, it's 11:36 am already. And it's Sunday. Sunday was the day we'd go out to eat together, have fun. Shop. A movie. Anything fun.

I stopped at the dining table. There really was no-one here.
I saw a small, folded note on the table and gulped.
What happened??

I opened it and sat on one of the chairs, not even noticing my headache or hunger.

Troye.
I can not believe you did this again. You made your son cry and get really scared, you ditched your daughter, who both need you.
You hurt me, Troye. You hurt me and bad.
I cannot see you like this again. You hurt us more than anything has ever hurt us.
Get help. Change.
I took the children with me, not going to tell where and took the car, too.
I do not know when we are back.

Or are we coming back at all.

Do you know what Levi said to me, last night?
He said;
"Please, don't hurt me daddy".
And it was ment to YOU.

Bye.
~ Connor.

I felt my tears get heavier and larger. Why? How?
No...
My tears smudget the ink on the paper, that was srunched tightly in my wrists. I leaned my head back to the wall and cried out loud, regret-filled sentences and the tears fell on the floor, falling falling falling, drop after drop.

I cannot even. I can not. He may never come back again.
I might never see my husband. My beautiful children. My family.

'No... No dad! Please!!! I didn't mean to drop that on the floor... Pleas-...' SMACK.

I shivered. I had hit my own child. Levi. All because of my own fault. Of course, I had drank way too much alcohol and came home piss-drunk, raging at everything.

I had

Abused? Hated?? Wanting to give him away???? Kill him????

hit my own child. Hit him.

That's not me? Is it?
No.
Troye is kind and loveable. He likes other people and enjoys the feeling of being a family.
Alcohol-Troye, he, is angry and just horrible.
Alcohol-Troye hurts other people and gets into fights.

You hit him. You will never get away with that. You cannot forgive yourself.
Look at him!! He is crying!! He's hurt!! All because of YOU. You, yourself and YOU. An abusive ex is not an excuse. A sad mood is not an excuse. Nothing is. You hit him.

I had come home drunk that night, and yelled about very racist stuff and horrible threaths. Not me, Alcohol-Troye.
I had seen Levi taking a midnight snach as he got scared and jumped of the sound of someone coming home. He had dropped an expensive wine bottle,

yes, wine bottle. You hit him for a 125$ WINE-fucking-BOTTLE.

and I had gotted furious of that. I had cornered him and kneeled down at him, just like I was some kind of prison guard, scaring the prisoners who would die first.
I had smiled evily and cupped his chin, as he hesitated to speak and sobbed, very scared.
This was horrible.

"No... Noo dad! Please!!! I didn't mean to drop that on the floor, pleas-"

I had rose my hand. It was strong and full of raging alcohol-power. I coul have killed him.

I moved it and saw everything in slowmotion.
His tears running down his cheeks and eyes scrunching shut as he winced at the pain.

I. Hit. Him.
With my fist.
On the cheek.
Like I was fighting someone.

He started crying as I left him there, kneeling in one corner and crying like he was tortured to death. I walked upstairs as I saw Connor running down, pushing me aside and sushing Levi, whispering something to him and kissing his forehead, as he put him to his own room, as he stopped crying a bit.

Soon I saw him running downstairs again, grabbing me as he led me outside. Petra had gone and took care of the hysteric Levi.

As he slammed the door closen, he started this;

"Again?!! You are drunk home AGAIN?? You made Levi cry!! What is wrong with you??" He had his arms crossed, looking up at me and his bathrobe held tight around him.
I was angry. Like he had done something wrong.

"You know what?? FUCK YOU!!! And your children!!! They aren't even mine!!! I'm tired of you always twlling me what to do!!!! FUCK YOU CONNOR!!!"

"Go.. Go to sleep, Troye. You're dr-"
"I'm WHAT. I am not even drunk!!! You are, Connor!!!! You know what you useless piece of shit??!! You are just a another bitchy fuck yourself!!! You are no better, at ALL!!!!"

He looked at me with tears in his eyes, eyebrown scrunced down, tearing up.
I would never forget that look on his face.
That mix of angriness and dissappointment. His eyes hating me. His whole figure just giving up on me. Giving up on my hate.

"P-please just, just leave.." He looked away and slammed the door behind him, leaving me here.

"FINE!! I will leave anyways???!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!"

And I heard him just crying.