Summer. The best time of year. Days get hotter. Nights get longer. Skin gets tanner. Hair gets lighter. Drinks get colder. It was perfect. But that perfection soon faded away like ashes blowing in the wind. It was midnight. Midnight was the last time I seen him. My true love. As both of our families slept the night away dreaming of black cats, demons, and crows, we snuck away into the darkness to be with each other. Just for awhile.
I missed him so much. Almost too much. I ran into the strong arms of his and felt safe. Almost like nothing would ever hurt me. Like I would never feel despair, depression, sorrow…….and feeling the loss of the one closest to me. My blackened heart filled with pain, belonged to him. And his belonged to me. As we were cuddling in the moonlit field of wildflowers, his soft lips met mine in delight.
As we said our goodbyes to one another, he gave me a note. Folded until it looked like a small, white insect. He demanded that I would not read it until I got home safely. I followed his demand. He kissed me goodnight. One of the best kisses I have ever had. He was an amazing kisser(if I hadn’t mentioned that before). As we walked in opposite directions, I felt the urge to tell him not to leave me. To stay right by my side until the sun rose up. I had a sickening feeling that something was going to happen. Something unpleasant. I felt eyes watching me throughout the night. Eyes of something or someone bad. The eyes of…..evil.
I kept my mouth shut. I believed it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I had faith that everything would be all right. Faith. A word I no longer know. My suspicion grew as I walked deeper into the woods. No one in sight. Just me. Alone. I’m ALWAYS alone. Never had a feeling of happiness or excitement. Never a feeling of love. A feeling of care, passion, joy, inspiration, admiration- Nothing. There was nothing. Nothing feels like a darkened soul and heart. I shouldn’t even use those words. I have no heart. Nor do I have a soul. Those are many reasons I need him. His passion and love is threatening to my darkness. I surrendered. Letting him take me as a prisoner in his dungeon of pleasure. There was no chance I could go against love. If such a thing exists. Maybe….just maybe, if someone could open me up to happiness, maybe I could feel….human. A normal human being. Not a monster whose life mission is to destroy herself and make herself suffer. Maybe I do have a heart. One that hasn’t yet been used. Waiting for that special someone to take all of the pain away. Possibly, my heart has its own way of thinking, as well. It wants him to bring light upon its “life” and destroy the past that shadows over it every day. Making it feel rejection; unwanted.
As I spoke to myself the rest of the way home, I wondered what he was thinking of. Of me? Of us? Was he thinking about the way I hugged him or the way I kissed him? I just had to know. As I closed the front door quietly, I grabbed my iPhone out of my back pocket, eager to text him. “Hello my dearest. I know we have just spent some time together, but as I walked home, I was wondering what you were thinking about? I wanted to know….am I the only one thinking about us? Am I the only one who misses being in your arms or the way your lips meet mine? When you get my message, please text back. I must know the answer. Goodnight. Have sweet dreams.”
He never texted back. When I realized this, tears came pouring down my face. Has he left me? Has he realized that I’m just another ordinary girl? It was only one day. Maybe he was still asleep or busy. Pondering these thoughts in my mind, I remembered the note he gave me the night before. I grabbed the note off of my desk, anxiously. I read:
“My beauty, I know we have just known each other for a short amount of time. But, it seems as though we’ve known each other our whole lives. I know everything about you. I’m aware that you bite your lip when you’re nervous. Or the way you blink more than you can manage when you feel excitement. I am informed that you assume you have no heart. But I can’t comprehend that. You do. I’ve seen that twinkle in your eye when you look at me. You want to believe. You want to love. But, you contemplated that if you do, you’ll be hurt again. You’ll be broken once again. It’s hard, I know. But trust me when I tell you this- I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world and nothing will ever change the way I feel about you. I would die for you. You are the love of my life. And I can’t wait until we get married. Until we have children. Until we grow old together- By each other’s side every day. My heart longs for you. When I am not able to hold you in my arms, I die a little inside. My heart and soul yearns for you each and every day. You light up my world like no one ever has. You’re good. You just can’t see it by the past that overshadows you. Your past is always reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt. I will NEVER leave you. No matter how difficult things get. I’ll be there.”
I felt my “heart” beat faster and faster as it felt it was going to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe. It was like I forgot how. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I somehow forgot how to breathe. Finally. Joy was the first word I remembered through the wounds that were made earlier in my young adult-hood. I couldn’t wait any longer. I began to dial his phone number. But, there was no answer. It went straight to his voice mail. I already missed his voice.
That same night, I heard a loud knock on the front door. Before I opened the door, I peered out the window to see who it was at that time of night. Two policemen were standing on our porch. They both had a look of sorrow on their faces. I decided to open the door casually, trying not to look too alarmed. One of them was tall and handsome. He looked like he could have been one of those body builders. He had short blonde hair with ocean blue eyes, which seemed to have tears in them. The other officer was a woman. She had curly ebony hair pulled back into a pony tail, topped off with a police hat. Her eyes were yellow green and she had tan skin. Almost like an espanic. I asked in curiosity “May I help you? Has something happened officers?” The young lady took off her hat as to say “I’m awfully sorry.” I had a strange look on my face. “What’s going on?”, I questioned. The man muttered “Do you know a young man named Dalton Grey?” My eyes wide in astonishment, shook my head yes. “Of course. He’s my best friend. My boy friend.” They both glanced at each other. “Miss Saunders, I’m afraid I have some bad news.” The man admitted. “No!” I whispered while tears ran down my face. “We found him this morning. He was discovered in a ditch on the side of Rome Road. We found bruises and red marks around his neck. We think he may have been strangled to death. We apologize for this inconvenience. The police station will keep you and your family up-to-date with the strangler. We promise you, we will find this monster. We will keep you and your family safe in the meantime. We are so very sorry.” He explained with disgust on his face.
I shut down. Like a vehicle without gas. I couldn’t move. I stood there. Frozen. I didn’t even say a single word. All you could see of me were tears trickling down my cheeks, splashing into a pool of depression on the wooden porch. When my wounds were finally beginning to heal, salt was poured into them. Making them burn worse than before. This is what love does to us, humans. It destroys our living. Like it’s eating away at you until there’s nothing left. Love really sucks. At that moment, it felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. And I didn’t want to come out. Ever. I didn’t want to see the sight of sunshine. I didn’t want to see pictures of him or us. Once I did, freshly made cuts were made on my wrists. Blood dripping down like the Nile River when God turned it into blood instead of keeping it water. No one could stop me. But that’s the thing- No one tried to help me. Everyone knew what I did but no one cared. They looked at me like I was a hideous creature. They called me names. “Suicidal freak!” That’s how my life was for what seemed to be decades. Even centuries. No one showed a glimpse of kindness. Not even my closest friends or family. When even the people closest to you call you such names and treat you like shit, it makes the pain deeper and worse.
“You’re worthless to this family! Go live with the animals since that’s what you are! You are a disgrace to me and this family! Nobody will ever love you! Go cut and eat your pain away like you do every other day! Kill yourself….. we don’t want you in our lives. You bring this family down onto another level and we are above that! Except you! You are nothing like this family. We’re everything you’re not. All you are is a fat, ugly complaining whore!”
Those words were said by my very own mother. Nothing, not even Dalton’s death, cut me deeper than that. I never knew what it was like to have a good life. I wanted what those teenage girls got in romance novels and movies. Instead, my life was like a comedy. Everyone laughing at me. Cracking emo jokes when I was around. Talking about how I was abused and how depressed I got when Dalton died. Calling me an attention whore. I never asked for attention. Especially, not this kind. All I wanted was a life with him. We could have run away together and lived a fairy tale ending. Of course, that’s not how things work in the real world. This is reality. Not a Cinderella Story.
