Reminiscing

Stuck

I think that we all hold on to some kind of toxic relationship - we clutch onto it like a child clutches his teddy bear. We know what it does to us, but it is just so...familiar. And in a messed up, wrong way: warm and safe.

How can I possibly live without it.

The thought is there, shoveled underneath all the mountains of denial and I-am-so-over-its and tears. We know that. We are all completely aware of how damaging and disgusting the entire ordeal is and how damaging and disgusting it made us. And yet every single time, without a doubt, when someone innocently asks us why we incessantly let this acid in and out of our lives we stutter out excuses. Hoping that one day we can convince ourselves the same thing that we have been convincing outsiders.

"It's...complicated."

"I don't know."

"I am going to do it this time! I really am. Cutting off all ties."

But they can't hear you screaming silent prayers. They can't feel your stomach churning. Twisting and turning. Or your sweaty palms. Or that humiliating feeling of needing to justify yourself. Actually, it is categorically abhorrent when you feel have to justify yourself to other people, but it's even more distasteful when you have to justify your actions and feelings to yourself because you know. We know our lies and excuses because we stayed up all night taking care of even the most scrupulous details.

And we are personally acquainted - I am very well acquainted with mine - with the sick twisted part of you who loves that relationship. Who loves what it does to you. What it make you feel.

Maybe the analogy of a teddy bear was too innocent: I feel like a drug addict. Waiting for my next hit. You come with jubilation. Masking me feel like a princess by simply complimenting me or laughing at my jokes. You intoxicate me on a myriad of levels, making me feel joy in ways I haven't felt before. And may never feel again.

You're affection actually got me high.

Then, the next morning you came with headaches and irritation. Unwarranted fear and trepidation. Without you I was empty. Worthless. Lonely. You were no longer there to supply my high and now I am stuck with these feelings of vexation flying towards the closest target. Usually an undeserving one at that.

Each and every time I realize what I've done because of you, I tell myself, "you cannot let him control you like that." But again, each and everytime, without fail, it is fruitless. You still exhilarated and frustrate me.

Animate and dishearten.

I didn't know it was possible to be so drunk with ecstasy and rage.

I found a quote on tumblr that goes, "If you are unhappy, change something. Quit your job. Move. Leave your miserable relationship. Stop making excuses. You are in control." I used to think like this too. If you don't like something just get rid of it, drop negative people, quit whatever makes you despondent. In theory this sounds so easy, but when you're so addicted, that's when the difficulty comes in. You don't just go up to a heroin addict and say, "well okay! Stop being addicted to heroin!" No. It is a long and exhaustive process; you can't just go cold turkey. There is no switch that you can flip on and off - emotions don't work like that.

I do, however agree with the stop making excuses part. We all need to come to realize that there are ugly parts of us. Until we fully accept that we have let and kept this toxicity in our lives, we can never begin the road to recovery. Excuses may seem kind and inviting right now, but in the long run it is just better to be brutally honest. It was my fault that I kept you in my life for so long. It is hard to admit that we have faults too.

And just as the too old child does not want to give up his teddy bear, we don't want to give up the fake euphoria this person gives us. It doesn't even have to be a lover relationship. Toxic people come in all different shapes and sizes. Some of them have the dark capes and the evil laughs, while others are charming and beautiful.