sweetly innocent, How You're Killing Me Inside

Temporary

             Temporary: One of the most terrifying and relieving words that exist. I am relieved that this hell I live in, will be over some day, but I am terrified it will end before I am ready. I am terrified because, even though I am often sad, there are days when I fall in love with this planet and everything on it. I am relieved I won't be here long enough to see the memories that I have made on this Earth burn up into pure nothingness. But I am terrified because one day I won't be able to enjoy the little things in life that will make it worth living. 

             One day, I won't be able to walk down to the river with my pen and journal. One day I won't be able to call up my best friend and talk about nothing, even though, it means everything. 

            I am relieved that one day I won't have our almost in love but not quite enough memories playing on repeat in my head. I am terrified because one day I won't be alive to make almost love memories, let alone true love memories. I am relieved because one day, I will find a guy who knows every crevice of my soul, and is in love with it all. 

          He'll know what I want before I say a word and he'll know I'm wrecked inside when I'm putting on my best act. He'll know my love for poetry and literature is stronger than the attraction between the best of lovers. He'll know that my love for my best friend may seem stronger, than my love for him, but that they are two different types of love. 

        He'll learn to accept that. He'll know my fear of change and my fear of unsaid goodbyes. He'll know that a certain combination of words can hurt me more than a bullet ever could. he'll know about my mistakes and my lessons learned. he'll know that I like never-ending conversations. That goodbye could mean forever, not just until morning. 

       He'll know that I'd rather be hurt by the truth than saved by a lie. I am terrified because one day he will not be here, neither will I. The only thing that will survive in the nothingness on Earth is our memories. 

     I want to know his opinion on forever. He will know he is my forever. The thing that terrifies me the most is that we won't last forever, even as our love will. 

      If that doesn't terrify you, I don't know what will.