The Rule Book

Chapter 1 - "The guide to every woman's happiness"

'Every woman desires to marry a well-to-do man of high standing in order to acquire a position of prestige for both herself and her family in high society.

'A real women knows that good looks and good manners are not as important as financial stability which offers security and a fruitful and happy life.'

I can't believe I'm reading this crap, I scoffed to myself. I read it in a chinese accent, then an Indian one and then an American blonde. It sounded hilarious causing me to laugh to myself.

My mother saw me smiling and said happily, " Oh Ellie, i'm glad you liked the book." My mother calls everyone and everything by its full name. She calls TNT, trinitrotolene and our Italian cook by all his eleven names. she even called 'The Rock' Dwayne Johnson at wreslemania which totally ruined it for my father and I. But i was the only one blessed with a special nickname Ellie, short for Elliot, because she got embarrased at her hippie of a daughter who got stuck with a guys' name.

"It's even worse then the fact that you have man shoulders, infact it just enhances it," she said to me sadly.

I don't know  if my mother's friends are just stupid, but I cannot tell you how many times at baby showers, sweet sixteens and barmitzvahs they've come up to my mother and said," Er, so this is your son Elliot."

The last time that happened I was thirteen and had my thick brown hair plastered over my shoulders and face.

"I just knew you would love your birthday present Ellie,  you know, with all those things you read."

I can't believe she was drinking champagne straight out of the bottle on a Sunday morning. Maybe in her drunken state she mistook me for one of her friends daughters who were victoria's secret models. That would also explain the book. Hopefully.

"So.......... ," she said looking at me as if she expected me to exclaim " Gee wow mom!! I love it. In fact I'm going to use it to reel in a rich guy right now!! It's the best birthday present ever. Mom you know me so well."

But there is just an awkward silence between us lasting for about fifteen minutes. I used this quiet time to look at my mother carefully. She had applied this gawdy lipstick to match with a too tight Gucci yoga suit in a desperate attempt to look young. But behind the creamy foundation and blonde highlights her body showed the strains of age.

"Well," she said pursing her lips "You know Elizabeth, who goes to book club with........" she droned while i wondered in shock .... "My mother reads??"

"Her son, he said..... well he did not actually say it but..... " 

Oh my god! What has she done now?!

I can't believe my mother had done this. She had fixed a date for me. My mother who thought that I was crazy when I said I was listening to the Beatles because she thought they were insects! What was this guy going to be like?

Mother ignored my dropped jaw as it thudded onto the table. "So that is a little present from my side... just to get you started." I flipped through the book. I bet there's a chapter where they tell you to fake your own death to test your man's true love. It's not there so far, but I can read between the lines.

"Dear, promise me you'll try."

The Dear sealed it. 'Dear' meant a direct order from milady godzilla. 'Dear' meant you couldn't disobey.   "Dear, please close the door"  "Dear wear a dress"  "Dear please make a random man fall in love with you so that you can get married and I can end up in magazines"

"Mother, i don't know," I said, still dazzed by all this.

"Great, I'll fix up a time for you," she said triumphantly.

"But..."

"Good bye dear, I have yoga class now." She sauntered off as the door slammed.

I am screwed.