Accepting Love (Book 1)

Chapter 4

"You might imagine that a person would resort to self-mutilation only under extremes of duress, but once I'd crossed that line the first time, taken that fateful step off the precipice, then almost any reason was a good enough reason, almost any provocation was provocation enough. Cutting was my all-purpose solution."  ~ Caroline Kettlewell, Skin Game

The second I get home I take my school bag off the floor and go to my room. While I may have had a good time with Leo (okay, yes I admit it) it doesn't change the fact that I don't really want to interact with my family. I don't really hate them, but they also aren't always the nicest people on earth. Minus Clarissa. I really wish she were here. At least then I wouldn't be holed up in my room constantly.

At least being in my room 24/7 has some perks. I always get my homework done on time, nobody questions what I'm doing especially when I'm on my computer; so glad I don't have to share. I have my own Xbox too so I can play whenever I want. I even have a bathroom connected to my room. I'm in the master bedroom. Why? Because my parents know that I spend all my time in my room. So they decided to give the upstairs master bedroom to me.

Now that I'm in my room I drop my bag to the right of the office chair I have at my desk. My desk is underneath my bed seeing that I have a double size loft bed. I also have a gamer chair at the foot of the bed and a flat screen T.V. on the other side of the room hooked up to my game consoles.

My family isn't exactly rich, but we are in the higher middle class. My parents also don't spend too much money on the house, leaving more to spend on us children. What they do, is they give us an allowance, and for our birthdays and Christmas we all write a list. They choose one item/bundle off that list and buy it for us. This is how I have an original Xbox, an Xbox 360, a PlayStation 2, a PlayStation 4 and a Wii. I know, it's a lot. But they were all on sale. All that's left now is to buy a lot more games for all of the consoles. At least I know that if I ever have friends over they won't be bored.

I don't know what I mean with the beginning of that last statement. I have plenty of friends, and my two best-friends are over pretty much every weekend if not more. My parents welcome them with open arms hoping that they'll bring me out of my hole. But they (my friends) know how my brother is, so we always come right up to my room. Parents and their false hopes, what are you gonna do?

Speaking of my friends, they have no idea that I just hung out with Leo. They also have no idea that he's been annoying me. Okay, even though he wasn't that bad while we were hanging out, he's still annoying. The only friend who knows at the moment is Nick. The one who sits next to me in French. I know that he won't really tell anyone, because there is nothing to tell. All we did was hang out. Plus he did kind of encourage it. I'm still annoyed with him for that. I'll be over it by tomorrow.

I have no homework yet so the only things to do are scroll through Facebook or Tumblr, or play video games. Which one, which one. It's a hard choice. I'm leaning slightly more towards video games because it stimulates more brain activity and won't make me want to cut. Video games are a much safer choice. Especially if I am trying to reduce the amount of cutting because of school.

First choice is made. Now for the second. What console? I think I am going to play on the Xbox 360. It's always been my favorite console. Now for the game. I still haven't played through all of The Darkness. I guess I should finish that so I can play number two. I have them both. For the same console too. Guess it's time to get further.

I walk across the room and turn on the Xbox 360. I also turn on the T.V and change it to the correct input. I open the CD cartridge and place in the darkness from the shelf of games beside all the consoles. I grab my Xbox remote and go to sit in my gamer chair. Now to go into my land of concentration and killing.

A few hours go by and I become slightly hungry. I pause the game and walk downstairs to the kitchen. The second I enter I walk over to the bowl of fruits on the kitchen table and grab an orange. I walk over to the garbage can so I can peel it. My nails are a decent length so all I need is my nails.

Once I'm finished peeling the orange I turn around to walk back to my room. Of course, who better to be there to block my way.

"Caiden, get out of my way please."

"Who was that guy earlier?"

"I told you. We had a math project to do together. Now move."

"I'm not moving. And there is no way that he was in your math class! You're in advanced math!"

"Believe it or not, not everybody is a moron like you. Some people in the world are actually smart." I stop waiting for him to move and just push past him. I storm into my room completely finished with my brother.

He's so annoying! He doesn't believe me. Which is a sign of mistrust. Cane, don't go there. I take a breath. I can't let my mind wander. I have to stop with the cutting. I go sit back in my gamer chair to eat my orange. Once I finish it, I continue playing my game. I need to keep my mind off anything negative. As hard as it may be. The time of day I really have to watch out for, is right as I'm trying to sleep. That's the time when the thoughts hit me at their hardest. All this thinking isn't going to help me though. I just need to focus on my game.

It's almost 10 pm. I should get to bed. I turn off the Xbox 360 and place the controller in its proper place. I walk to my dresser and take out a pair of thin P.J pants and a matching top. I take off my beanie and place it on top of my dresser in a neat fashion. I take off my sweater and place it beside my beanie. I take of the rest of my clothing and put it into the laundry bin, minus the belt. I quickly pull on my P.J's and climb the ladder up to my bed.

I lie down in bed and close my eyes. I'm tired but, yet, sleep just won't come to me. Instead, the thoughts are creeping in. As soon as my mind is blank and not distracted, there they are waiting for me.

Your worthless. Nobody likes you. Just kill yourself already. Nobody cares. They won't cry. Even your friends won't be broken up about it. Not even your mom cares enough, much less your dad. If you cut I'll go away. You deserve the pain anyways. Why don't you listen to me and just end it all? It'll be so much easier than trying to act strong.

Everything is on an endless loop. Telling me to cut. Telling me to end my life. But it gets better right? That's what I'm holding out for. I'm holding out for the recovery. The successful recovery. It sounds so tempting though. To just end it all. Maybe to even just end it for a little while by cutting. It will last a few days. Until the scab is gone. But it's better than nothing.

No. I can't be thinking like that. I have to stop cutting. It makes it worse. It's an everyday reminder of how fucked up I am. I can't have those kind of thoughts when I just decided I'm going to try and get better. I may have only made the decision two weeks ago, but I want to stand by it. I want to honor it. I want to see it through to the end so I can finally see the light all of the time, rather than catching small glimpses of it every once in a while. A small glimpse isn't enough for me. I need to see it all. It doesn't help that seeing glimpses makes me even worse, because I know that I'll never have that fully. 

Okay, maybe not never. But right now, it feels like it. It feels like I will forever be sad, only having a glimpse at what everyone else has. Or at least what all the normal people have. I will always be on the sidelines as the emo/metal kid. Mostly emo, but whatever. I guess it doesn't help that I want to cut open dead bodies for a living. Forensic pathology, what a great career choice. Helping solve murders by cutting open the victims body. Beautiful right?

Now that the thoughts are gone and there are no new cuts on my body, I can feel sleep take over my body. Finally, a moment of peace in a world of chaos.