Not only did the impact of the collision knock me out cold, I was unable to respond for three days straight. Everyone was worried sick. Once I finally came to, I tried to open my eyes, but couldn’t. Why couldn’t I open my eyes?
Then it hit me.
My eyes were already open; I just couldn’t see.
Not one single thing.
I immediately felt disgusting. Worthless. Why couldn’t I have just died? Wouldn’t that have been easier? Now I have to live with the fact that I will never be able to see anything or anyone ever again. What if I forget how everything looks? What if I forget what Meg looks like? Or my parents? Or worse, what if I forget myself?
I feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes. Wait…can blind people cry? I decided to let the wet tears rolling down my cheeks answer that question for me. I quickly wiped away those tears. I couldn’t cry; I was too strong for that. Too tough. It was hard to hold it back when that was all I could even think to do.
I sat up in what I figured was a hospital bed; I could hear the beeping noises from all the machines. I couldn’t help but wonder what to do. A hand was gently placed on my shoulder. I jumped not knowing anyone else was in the room with me.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you. How are you feeling, sweetheart?” I knew that voice.
“Mum?” I asked as a pair of soft arms was wrapped around me pulling me into a hug.
“Yes, honey? Are you feeling okay? Would you like me to call the nurse?”
“No, I feel fine. I’m just a little sore, but why can’t I see? What happened to me?”
“You were in a car wreck, Christina. You have remained unconscious for the past three days. What do you mean you can’t see?”
“I just can’t see! I can’t see you; I can’t see anything!”
I heard her stand up and run out of the room. Where was she going? A few moments later she comes back with who I assumed was the doctor.
“What’s the matter, sweetie?” asked an unfamiliar voice.
“What’s going on? Who are you? Why can’t I see you?” I could hardly think. I had so many questions floating around in my head.
“Mrs. Murray, may I speak with you outside?”
“Is everything okay?” my mum questioned as she walked out of the room.
Even though they closed the door, I could still hear every word they were saying. “This seems to be a lot worse than we thought,” said the manly voice from behind the door. “Is there anything you can do? Treatment? Medication? Surgery? Anything?” I could hear my mum about to burst into tears. That broke my heart. She was always so strong; she never cried. “I don’t think so, ma’am. I believe it may be permanent. I’m very sorry.” “There’s got to be something! We could at least try!” my mum said raising her voice. “It was, most likely, her optic nerves that were damaged during the accident, causing her to go blind. You could look into surgery, but it is very unlikely that anything will change. Other than that, there is really nothing we can do.” After that, silence followed. I heard someone reenter the room.
“Tina, honey?” she sat down beside me on the bed. “I just spoke with the doctor, and he thinks that your loss of vision may be for good. They said we could try surgery, but besides that there is not really anything they can do.” You know that moment when time just seems to stop? That’s how I felt. We stayed there for a while, and I knew her eyes were on me the whole time.
Finally, I spoke up, “Mum?”
“Yes?”
“Where’s dad?”
“He had to leave for work about ten minutes before you woke up, sweetie.”
“Oh, well, when does he get off work?” I questioned.
“I’m not quite sure, but I know he will call to check on you during his lunch break. He has been so worried about you.”
“Mum, why did this happen to me? I am only nineteen-years-old. I have practically my whole life still in front of me, and now I have to face it without being able to see where I’m headed.”
My mum didn’t respond for several seconds, but when she did, you could hear the pain in her voice. I realized that this was hard on her just like it was on me; she didn’t want to see her baby girl like this. Comments like the one I had previously made were not going to make either of us feel any better. It was just something we had to get used to. We couldn’t change it; we just had to accept it. I had to learn a completely new way of life.
“How is Megan?” I asked.
“I talked with her father this morning, and he told me that he hasn’t spoken to her much since she heard of your accident. From what I understand, she is taking it pretty rough.”
“Will you get her on the phone for me? I would like to talk to her and hear her voice.”
“Of course, Tina.”
My mum places a phone in my hands and I put it up to my ear. I can hear it ringing and begin to get a little impatient. Finally, my call is answered.
“Hello? How is she?” Megan quickly says into the phone.
“Meg, it’s me, Christi.”
“Oh my gosh, you have no idea how great it is to finally hear your voice again! I’ve been worried to death! I have hardly slept a wink.”
“It’s great to hear your voice again, too! You don’t need to worry about me, though. For the most part I feel fine, but--” I began to get choked up. I had to break the news to her. “I-I can’t see.”
“What do you mean, Christi?”
“I-I’ve lost my sight, Meg. I’m blind.” Just like that, I lost it. Those last two words that had painfully rolled off of my tongue felt like a knife repetitively stabbing me in the chest. I started bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t help it. This, of course, caught the attention of my mother who was probably already, somehow, eavesdropping anyway. She took the phone and told Megan I would call her back later. She then sat on the bed beside me and hugged me tight. We stayed like that until I was able to contain myself.
One thing was for sure, I would never be the same girl I once was.
