I'm sorry

Going nowhere

I was cynical from the start. He was daydreaming while I was thinking things through. He was in the moment while I was already in the future. His hopes kept my head above the clouds. My thoughts and bitter truth only made his hopes higher and wanted them to come true. I was some perfect person in his eyes and he was  too good to be true in mine. His words were too nice, he was too sweet, he cared too much, his hopes were too high, his touch too soft, his voice too lovely, his kiss too graceful, his tunnel vision too precise, he wanted to buy my love as if items replaced the lack of communication and memories. I wanted to love him, I started to believe what he told me, but since we didn't really talk, like best friends he could only reuse the same compliments and rely on appearance compliments. I don't value my physical appearance as the next girl, it's all fine and dandy but it's nothing compared to the mind. When me and my significant other aren't connecting intellectually I grow tired and weary because I want to share everything with you and be able to do anything with you, I want to talk to you for hours and never get tired I want to know everything about you. However i knew me and you were just a fad and although it was very promising, that's not really how it would go and how it was. We fought about everything and anything like it was a war, like someone would die depending on who won. I was willing to stay with you through everything, we were just going through a rough patch right? Well that "rough patch" turned into a week and then 2 and 3 turned into a month and would revisit the idea that we needed to Ty harder and harder. It never happened. Empty promises making everything else weaker, making me think that if we didn't go through with that what else didn't we go through? Did our feelings not connect the way we thought? Were we not as close as we thought? Were we not perfect? Were we as real as we felt or was it all just a dream to cope with what we wanted and we would only settle for that so we faked it, was that it? I constantly thought of what it would be like to break up and if it changed anything. Yesterday someone mentioned you're name toward to me and My hands shook and my heart was beating really slow, as if it were scared of what they were saying and if it should continue to beat. I became anxious and nervous, tears filling my eyes but I couldn't let it out so I joked around nervously. I liked rock and emo music, he liked pop and Mexican music. I liked to be independent, I never valued what anyone said and how they felt about my actions. His everything was everyone else, he wanted everyone to like him and would be nice to everyone just for that reason. He did all the right things for the wrong reasons. I told you I didn't love you, I'm not sure if I lied or not but it still lingers in the air and makes me think. You were this perfectionist and wanted to be the goals everyone was talking about. I wanted to be real. If you asked me if I thought about you since we broke up I would say you do not cross my mind until I'm at my happiest and I look back and see that I experienced a sad ending and I feel like I'm being disrespectful like I should feel my heart caving in or something, but all truth, I don't, yeah I'm sad deep down but I'm not heart broken. It wasn't real enough to be heart broken. I think we both felt placebo of what we wanted to be there. I miss your presence but not us. I miss the habit not the action. You were a addiction that I didn't need. I always thought it was a phase and we would be falling head over heals for each other the next week or day, but I guess you were right and we did loose feelings over the summer. I will tell you that I tried though. I tried my heart out for you, when people told me to just break things off I said no because I thought we were strong enough to get through it. But it never changed and I couldn't stay with you when we had nothing. ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO COME TO ME AND MAKE ME TALK TO YOU, MAKE ME CRY AND YOU SEEING THE TEARS, CRY AS WELL AND WE JUST RECONNECT IN THAT MOMENT AND HUG. WE CRY THE UGLIEST TEARS BUT IN THAT MOMENT WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. WE ARE ONE. I SEE YOU IN EVERYTHING I DO AND EVERYONE I TALK TO. I WANT YOU. YOU ARE STILL A PART OF ME. I STILL HAVE THE DESIRE TO TALK TO YOU AND TELL YOU EVERYTHING I FEEL. I WANT YOU. YOU ARE STILL IN MY THOUGHTS. AND IM SCARED TO CARE FOR SOMEONE ELSE BC THEY WILL NEVER BE YOU. AND YOU WERE MY DREAM.I do miss you, but I definitely know it's for the best and it will be better in the end. I think of you but as a old friend that I lost I touch with. You're a old friend that I would love to get to know all over again and remanence all the memories with. I know you'll find someone that you have similar interests with and will make you happier than I did and I'm happy for that. I am glad you have a chance to find someone better instead being stuck with me feeling nothing and wasting time. Until next time, my good friend.