These Horcruxes (Scholarship2015)

These Horcruxes

"Meet Desiree; she's seventeen (practically an adult!!) and she's going to Berkeley. She's smart, friendly, and works at a steakhouse to pay for college. Her favorite food is chocolate and she really likes dogs, and someday, she's going to change the world."

Desiree Smith was created in my childhood bedroom, sketched out with elementary-level words, shaky, illegible handwriting, and several atrocious run-on sentences. She wasn't much, just a faint idea placed inside a purple notebook, but Desiree was, for me, the beginnings in what would be crafting my personal identity.

I wouldn't say that there are many similarities between Lord Voldemort and myself: I like to think that my nose has a little more arch support and that I have a better sense in style than to wear a dusty old robe everyday. And that tattoo. Don't get me started on that tattoo. (Okay, well to interject slightly - a skull? Really? Is there a possibly more archetypal and cliché representation of evil than a skull?) But there seems to be one thing that I can relate to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: we both like to put pieces of our souls into meaningful things.

I want to clear up something before I continue. No, I am not a wizard.

I'm a writer.

That's my personal identity.

When I sat on my bed as a fifth grader, writing in sparkly pink pen and using big words that I didn't know, I put my very first piece of soul into the pages. Desiree represented a small part of me; her humor and desire to leave a mark on the world very much mirrored myself, and although the quality of her story is cringe-worthy ( five pages long in 36 pt. Little Anne Script, which I don't suggest you download to Word unless you adore illegible fonts, and abandoned after two weeks), it was, essentially, my first Horcrux.

And there are many, many more.

My first official novel, written when I was in eighth and ninth grades and currently published on Wattpad, is a grammatical nightmare, among other things. Ninety percent of Culinaria L'amore was written on a phone keyboard, before I had access to a computer, resulting in spelling errors left and right. There are plot holes everywhere, and every character really likes to 'murmur' a lot. But, there's soul too. Kirsten's sweet, stubborn, and sarcastic, three characteristics I like to think I have, and she was created from my love for food. She aspires to become a professor chef, while keeping her father's memory alive by running his restaurant. Every time I had a food craving, she'd make it. Although it's not a serious novel by any means, Culinaria L'amore's three-hundred pages represent my never-ending passion for writing (and for food).

Reagan Adams was created sophomore year of high school, inspired by my interests in tennis and art. Her struggle with physical appearance and self-confidence, on the court and in front of a mirror, tied in with multiple references to illusion in art - specifically pointillism – in the book brought to question the deception of physical appearance and helped communicate my own insecurities as a teenager and my intrigue in the manipulation of color and shape. Reagan's love interest, Mitchell, also embodied my artsy side, and became the subject of physical deception. Although he appears healthy in the book, it is eventually revealed that he might have Huntington's Disease, a physically crippling condition that would render his hands, an artist's most valuable tools, useless.

These two stories are just a few of the many pieces of my soul that I have woven onto the pages. As a writer, I've found that through imaginary worlds, I've been able to convey the essence of my being, the flaws of my characters, and my dreams for the future. On the pages, I've shaped my stories with my identity as a lover, a wild spirit, a wishful dreamer.

While I have shaped my characters and their stories around my personal identity, these stories have had a bigger impact on me, ironically. My experience on Wattpad has especially affected my faith in myself as a writer and as an impactful person. When I first started writing on Wattpad, back when I was barely a teenager, I never expected that my words could have any meaningful resonance. However, when my story, Culinaria L'Amore, began to dealt with issues such as loss and abuse, I realized that I was, in some small way, able to make a difference. I received comments and private messages from people all around the world, writing about how my characters had helped them overcome a struggle or find someone (regardless of fictionality) to whom they could relate. They wrote about how my book, grammar and spelling errors included, was a way for them to cope and to accept and to learn. The ability to touch people through the communication of fictional writing opened my eyes to the possibilities. At that time, I had thought that my writing was merely a way for me to express my creativity and my character; after receiving such support and gratitude, none of which I had expected nor believed I'd deserved, I discovered that writing was more than just for entertainment. It has the ability to change lives.

In no way do I believe that I've written something profound enough to be meaningful. Yet.

This experience as a writer and on Wattpad has shaped my view on my potential as a writer and an artist, and most importantly, as a person. During this college process of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, I've constantly asked the question what can I do that will make some kind of impact for the people around me? After writing on Wattpad, I think I've discovered a plausible answer. Lord Voldemort and I both put our souls into things that are meaningful for us, but that's where the similarity stops. Whereas Lord Voldemort created Horcruxs for his own personal benefit of immortal life and a notorious fame, I spend hours upon hours writing and injecting my spirit into my books because I believe that someday, I'll be able to make change through my words and expressions. That'll be my form of immortality: affecting people for good.