That neighbor

That damn squirrel

Ever since that damn neighbor moved in upstairs, into apartment 222, sleep has eluded me. Every night, ethereal, almost dreamlike music drifts through the paper thin ceiling, accompanied with oddly placed, yet rhythmic thumps. During the "Honeymoon" phase of our meager acquaintanceship, I asked nicely through the use of brightly colored sticky notes, if whomever occupied the apartment above my humble abode would consider doing whatever was causing so much noise, at a more appropriate hour. Apparently the passive aggressive smiley faces I added to the ends of my messages didn't quite render the desired effect.

On top of the perpetual rave happening nightly above my sleepless head. There's been a suspicious increase in squirrels. And NOT in a good way. Growing up in Central Florida, I've come to love these adorably abundant rodents--their presence is almost comforting....but not when you come home and routinely find that they've managed to make their way inside. Ever since my neighbor from....*ahem* heaven... moved in, squirrels have literally been going nuts! I've come home multiple times to find a poor, frightened squirrel trapped in my apartment, peeing and shitting wherever their adorably senseless asses have carried them. I don't know how the hell they're getting in, but that damn neighbor is the source.

And today was the last fucking straw.

Now, I'm a college student, attending a well known Florida university (GO GATORS), and we're finally ending that midterm testing season. Like every college student, I'm an idiot. Not only did I procrastinate and refuse to study until the week of midterms, but I somehow thought it would be a grrrreat idea to pull almost three all-nighters in a row to cram for my exams!!!!! Fueled on nothing but spicy ramen and year old redbull I'd stashed under my bed for situations like this, I somehow (I can't really remember much, it's all a blur) trudged through all 5 of my exams. My reward for my hard work? A nice, long nap! I barely remember falling asleep after somehow biking the half mile from my last exam room to my off campus apartment, but as soon as my head hit that pillow, I was out cold.

In my coma-like slumber I dreamed of a world without loud neighbors... a world where everyone could sleep and enjoy college, a world without midterms and anxie-WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

I shot up, eyes wide. In my panicked state, I began to fling my blankets off of my body in an adrenaline fueled rage, that's when I saw it. A damn SQUIRREL. This thing not only broke into my house, but woke me from the most anticipated nap oF MY ENTIRE LIFE by catapulting its small body onto mY FACE.

Sleep deprived and enraged I angrily grunted and grabbed a pair of flip flops. This has to end! I marched outside, propelled by rage and more than a little adrenaline. I *literally* flew up the stairs to the upper landing of my apartment building. I banged on apartment 222's door....I paused briefly and listened for movement, hearing none I began to smack the door again. 

"Oh god they better open this damn door right now or so help me I swea"-the jiggling of locks interrupted my thoughts. As the door slowly swept open I prepared my argument. 

"Who gave you the RIGHT to deny me sleep!?" I asked, not quiet yelling, but I packed every ounce of anger I felt into those words

"E....excuse me?" a hoarse, sleep tinged voice came from the shadows behind the door. Did this kid live in a bat cave? Their house was so dark, I couldn't even discern facial features from the seemingly endless void that appeared in front of me.

My argument faltered.                                                                                                                                              "Uh... you're so loud at night, you keep me up."

"Ah, you're sticky note kid, huh?" the shadowed mass moved into a slim beam of sunlight, revealing a pair of warm, chocolate brown eyes and a snarky smile. "You must be directly below me then, in apartment 122?" His snide smile broadened, revealing a set of annoyingly white, perfect teeth.

"Yes!"I said, through an exasperated sigh. "listen, I've gotten no sleep because you insist on hosting a WWE fight in your flat every night, and on top of that, ever since you moved in, there have been squirrels in my house, destroying all that is loved and holy."

"Oh, yeah, that's because I feed them!

"You...feed them?" anger tinged the last fraction of my sentence.                                                         "Since you brought them here you're helping me get rid of it!" I grumbled

"It?" He questioned. With a sigh I reached inside and grabbed the tenant of apartment 222 by the hand. With a firm yank, a tall, lanky, dark skinned boy all but tumbled through the threshold of his apartment. 

"Nice underwear" He snickered, bringing to my attention that in my rage I forgot to put on pants. With a huff my grip tightened on his wrist. I turned swiftly and headed down to my apartment, covertly pulling my shirt to cover my pastel pink boxer briefs covered in happy Corgis chasing little butterflies.

"Thanks, they're designer" I added every ounce of scathing sarcasm I could into that one sentence to mask the blush that was creeping into my cheeks.

I paused outside of my  door.                                                                                                                                  "You have any experience with catching these fellas?" I asked.

"Not wild ones!" He said, gently shaking his hand lose from my grip. There was an odd amount of excitement in his eyes, but I chose to ignore it and focus of the problem at hand.

"Good luck, and remember they bite" With a smile I flung my apartment door open and pushed him inside. I strutted in after, hoping that he'd take lead in this squirrel hunt.... and oddly, I wasn't let down. This mysterious stranger had more energy than anticipated and after finding the critter squished behind some shoe boxes under my bed, his mile long legs carried him at supersonic speed after this blur of squirrel. But he was FAR from graceful. As I sat on my couch, fighting off the urges of sleep, frequent crashes and grunts could be heard throughout my three room apartment. I didn't care what he was breaking as long as he got that critter.

The noise stopped abruptly, followed by a triumphant cry and some shrill squeaking. Mr.Apartment-222, swaggered in with his animal trophy help triumphantly in his hands. This stranger knew how to handle his animals! To keep the squirrels sharp teeth from sinking into his hand, Mr.222 held the squirrel by the scruff of it's neck with his other hand supporting the animals bottom half. I was absolutely awestruck, but I didn't let an ounce of it show on my face.

"You didn't have to ACTUALLY catch the thing" I mumbled. "Shooing it out through the front door would've accomplished just as much with half the work" I stated.

"Yeah, but wheres the fun in that?" He asked, that stupid smile returning to his face. "By the way, I'm Leo." He said, his smile going from snarky to genuine. "I would shake your hand....Uh" He looked at me, prompting a response.

"Thomas" I muttered, "Thomas Sanders"

"Ah, you're one of those "I have such a big personality I need people to refer to me using both of my given names" types huh? Well anyway, I would shake your hand Mr. Thomas Sanders, but I'm a little preoccupied at the moment" And with that, Mr. Apartment 222, uh, I mean Leo, strutted out, placated squirrel in hand. "And I'll let you sleep tonight" he yelled as he exited my apartment, turning his head to give me an arrogant wink. 

With all my immediate problems taken care of, I shut my door, sliding on the deadbolt, and face-planted into my bed, letting the sweet release of sleep overtake my consciousness. And that was the first time I got a full nights rest since Leo occupied apartment 222.