recovery

me

I just wanna start with this. I'm a feminist. People get mad or offended the fact I'm one. People say 'oh shes a slut because they put pictures of their ass showing or cleavage. That's not true. I don't dress up for men or fool around, but I post photos in my bikini or my ass looking good. If it makes you feel good about yourself and your not doing towards no wrong or bad intention then it's fine. A body is a body and it's your problem if you sexualize it. Anyway back to me, I just wanted to clear that out. Guys take me for granted like I'm always down to fuck or something please no. I did it once with a horrible guy and i regret it since. I promised to do it next time that I'm in a relationship with. It's a tuesday morning and I go to school blah blah same old shit at school. Usually after school I go the gym. Usually when i wait for the bus a guy is cat calling me or a 40 year old perverted asshole is staring. I just ignore it and move on. I'm not the type of person that's gonna be clichè but there's this really nice and hot guy at the gym. Dude i tell myself nah, its not gonna happen, but i always catch myself staring at him. I recently broke up with my somewhat 'Boyfriend' and he was just using me. The guy at the gym usually says 'hello' or 'excuse me' in this really hot voice. I'm tired of just literally staring at him and saying hello. I walk towards him and say "Hi um, I just wanted to ask what's your name?" "Wren" He responds while putting the weights down. I stare at him and kinda giggle. He looks at me confused. "From Pretty Little Liars! Haha." I say.

"uh?" He says. "Just forget it." I walk away telling myself FUCK, SHIT, STUPID. I look back and he checks me out. I'm flattered. My ass looks pretty nice in these shorts so I'm assuming he's staring. I arrive home and let me tell you something my moms not home and I'm a horny teenager. But first I'm so tired I just jump into my bed and my body stops feeling tense and its relaxed. you know when you get home from school and you just get in your bed for a minute and all the stress goes away? Yea that's me. anyway I'm done and I remind myself I'm alone so I start masturbating. God it feels to good. "Matthew" I moan. I remember and stop and I'm like shit, that's my old boyfriends name I can't say that. I usually like saying a guys name when I'm moaning so this time I use my new hot friend, wren. But I have this thing that if I imagine wren doing it to me that I might jinx it and never actually do anything with him. I stop saying his name and just stop fingering. I go to the sink and wash my hands. I turn on my computer and search YouTube and start watching buzzfeed.

I just watched 3 videos and I'm about to search Netflix to see Greys Anatomy AGAIN because I'm in love with this show and suddenly I get a text. Wren can it be? Oh wait I didn't give him my number never mind. it's my soul sister. Soul sister as in she is more than just a BFF we are sister but not blood. Ella: "Omg I have so much homework shoot me."
Me: "same dude high school is making me consider to drink bleach."
A minute later.
Ella: I know I hate this and I stopped liking him."
Typing.........
Me: "no you still like him"
Ella: "fuck you I know whatever.... Im watch Netflix talk to later"
Typing.........
Me: "ok Ella lol have fun dreaming about him."
She stops replying and I just go to Netflix and forget everything.
My eyes are slowly closing nah I'm not going to.....
7 hours later.
I jump out as quickly. FUCK IS IT 5 am already I need to get ready for school. I check my phone. nop it's fucking 10 pm. omg I feel like I was sleeping to long. damn it I'm an idiot. It's still Tuesday. I start thinking how long did I sleep and and remember I saw the time when I was texting and it was 6. lord I'm going back to sleep fuck this. no never mind I want to scroll through instagram. I start scrolling and it's boring and then I go to Twitter and snapchat. nothing whatever I'm going back to sleep. I wake up and literally rush because i don't want to be late to school.
Last night I was dreaming about my ex. I really need to show that son of a bitch who's boss. Ella told me he said shit to her the other day. god I'm so angry when I think about him. Fuck. I want to yell at him. He got uglier too ewe. I walk into school and the first person i see is guess who? HIM. MATTHEW. MOTHER FUCKING MATTHEW. God I just wanna rip his eyeballs out. I walk up to him and I forget who I am and just let my anger out, " Matthew I have one thing to fucking tell you don't walk away. I'm so pissed at you because your such a dick to me. It's one thing to talk to me like that but it's another when you say shit to my friend. don't disrespect her again or you will have two options a, slap or a punch. You fat fuck." I walked away and he just stared and he didn't move. And then I look back and say "pussy." Wow... I let go of big amount of air. I'm so happy wow. all the anger suddenly went away.

As the day went by I can't stop thinking about what I did. when I see him in the hallway he try's to avoid me as much as possible and looks like he's scared. yay that was my accomplishment.