I Learned To Trust | The Joanne McKinley Diaries 2

6. You Don't Exist

It was a long week. I did everything in my power to avoid Alisha. Dodging into bathrooms, walking in the different direction. You name it. It killed me inside but I also didn't want to face her. I sigh as I sit down at lunch, Mason by my side. What did I do to deserve such a great boyfriend? I run my hand through my bum length hair. Mai and I were going to get it cut on Saturday. It was getting too long to manage hence the reason why I never bothered with styling it anymore. We weren't going to get it cut super short but just past middle back.

"You're super stressed and tense, Joanne. And don't even think about denying it," Mason interrogates.

"Fine, I am. But who wouldn't be? I suck at Maths and I get extras for that. EOY's have begun, Alisha shit makes it worse and I am sleep deprived!" I answer Mason and rest in his arms. I look up and Mason who is chewing his bottom lip like he always did when he was thinking hard.

"How about I take you out on Friday?" He asks. How about no?

"I can't. Maths, EOY's, sleep and not to mention the fact tha-"

I get cut off my Mason's lips on mine. It takes a bit to kiss back but I do. His lips on mine and the soft tingly sensation that I still get when his lips are on mine. Even though it's been a year and then some. I pull away once I start to feel flustered.

"Fine," I groan. "You win but only because I love you."

Mason smirks at me. "I love you too. Only you."

Finally, something to look forward to this term.

I start to play punch Mason (because he told me to try out boxing on him and I didn't wan to hurt him) when I feel uneasy. Like someone was watching me. I stop and follow the uneasiness to a girl with tears streaming down her face. A girl that used to be my best friend.

"I have to do something," I say to Mason and he nods. I grab my bag and walk towards Alisha and push her in my direction, all the way to the field. I take my seat on a bench and Alisha steadies herself.

"Now, why are you avoiding me?" Alisha asks.

"Because...because I don't feel like I can talk to you without wanting to throw jabs at your stomach. And, honestly, I don't want to get suspended or have any trouble launched on me for beating up someone. Like, right now, I want to hit you and make you keel over in pain but I'm restraining myself. Usually Mai and Mason are her so I'm actually quite proud of myself."

I look at Alisha and she's looking at me wide-eyed. Like, don't you know it's rude to stare?

"You really hate me that much?" She asks.

"I don't think hate begins to cover it. Hate, betrayal, hurt and what do you call that feeling when you want to rip out someone's guts?"

"Despise. You despise me."

"Look, what hurts me the most is that you didn't even think to tell me that first time. Maybe you could have lessened the hurt and hate I have right now. But you didn't. You chose to hide it from me and make me think that you were okay with me and Mason. You were my best friend but now it think of you as someone I don't even know anymore."

Alisha nods in understanding.

"I get that I hurt you and made you hate me but you can't control who you have feelings for. I like Mason and I still do. I have this thing of hope that makes me think that you two would break up so I could be happy. This is thee first time I've ever felt so unhappy," Alisha says. I've never felt so angry. What the fuck is this? She's here, telling me she wishes that I would break up with Mason so she could have him. Telling me she's unhappy. Fuck that. It's a shit!

"Alisha, what you're saying to me is the equivalent of shit to me. You're telling me that you're so fucking unhappy. But let me tell you something. I suffer from panic attacks, had my heart broken three times, lived with a mother that showed me utter hate for five years, been treated as nothing, had a fake nude picture posted of me and so much more shit. So, compared to you're time on temporary unhappiness, my life sucks asshole's shit. You're being so fucking selfish-"

I don't get to finish because I'm shivering. Another panic attack. And I let it take over me.

***

"What the fuck is wrong with you bitch!" I hear Mai scream as I open my eyes. Alisha's just there, saying nothing and taking the abuse from Mai.

"Stop shouting, I have a headache," I say as I get up. With a throbbing head.

"Come here," Mason says while holding out his arms and I walk into them. He wraps his arms around me and I feel okay. I hear Alisha cringe and I turn around and glare at her. She put me here after I hadn't been here for almost six months and now here I am. So yeah, I kinda hate her right now.

"Why?" I say. "Every time I do something to Mason it's just cringe left and right. And I know it's hard to keep your fucking feelings under control but I'm sick of it. I just can't deal with this. Deal with you."

I walk out with my backpack, tears present in my eyes.

I just lost my best friend.