Dedicated to Shayne/Alex/Dylan/Cody/Wormtail Rat Beaver Face. Whatever your name is, I regret not talking to you, so here are the words I never said.
“Hey Alex!” One of the grade tens said. I turned around, who’s Alex? I thought. Then I recognized him. He was the boy I’d be watching since the beginning of first term. He turned towards me so I slammed my locker shut and headed down the hall in the opposite direction.
Everyone had a different story; one person said he went to juvie and was here to do community service. Others said he had dropped out of college because he wanted to go into the music industry and then he was just volunteering at our school because he wanted to. Based on his appearance and love of skateboarding, I believed the latter. Though, no matter what his story, I’d probably still love him.
“I thought you said his name was Cody,” My friend whispered, catching up with me. I shrugged.
The rest of the day went by in a flash; everyone but me was freaking out about our report cards. We were getting them later on in the week. I didn’t even care; I was too busy thinking of a way to get Alex to notice me. Hopefully whatever I thought of would be worth it.
XXX
I blinked and then stepped back a bit, making me bump into a ninth grader. I mumbled an apology and looked through the window of one of the grade twelve English teacher’s rooms. Alex wasn’t in the corner; it was he regular spot, since it was out of the way- it also didn’t hurt that it was fully visible from the window. I frowned, it was a Tuesday. He was always there on Tuesdays. I hoped he wasn’t sick.
I walked into my next class and took my seat in the corner. A while later I started to randomly think about the first time I saw Alex.
I was standing inside the building, leaning on one of the doors in the main entrance. I was reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies so obviously I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings. I had just turned the 100th page when I heard someone clear their throat on the other side of the door. The glass is really thin; it makes me scared when thinking about having someone with a gun break in.
I looked up and saw him. He had brown hair that covered one of his eyes, and his eyes were this beautiful blue-green colour with a hint of grey. He had his skateboard tucked under his arm.
Speak! A voice in the back of my head commanded. I didn’t (except for a small ‘oh’); I just opened the door for him. He nodded and then walked away.
I had turned back to my book after he disappeared, not able to fully concentrate.
XXX
The next day I passed by the English room again, when I looked in he still wasn’t there. I was surprised at how much it bugged me.
It was my free period then, I decided to go to the library. When I got there, I thought of another run-in with Alex.
I was sitting with my friend at one of the tables in study hall working on some history project. Then Alex walked in with this grade twelve girl. There were quite a few empty seats at our table so they sat down across from us. I looked up quickly and saw that he was explaining Romeo & Juliet to her.
I looked at my friend and rolled my eyes. She had noticed too. She just smirked.
A while later the girl got bored and was rolling her pencil back and forth on the table. What a ditz, I thought. Then her pencil ended up next to my binder. I looked up and saw her looking at me expectantly.
“See, Sara? Wherefore does not mean where- speaking of where, where’s my pencil gone?” Alex asked, looking up. Then he saw it.
Speak! The voice in my head came back. I tried to fight it. NOW! It ordered me. My friend noticed my issues and rolled them the pencil back with a smile.
I guess I’ll just have to forever hold my peace. I thought, looking down at my history work.
XXX
A week later I still hadn’t seen him. I was tempted to ask someone about it, but I didn’t want to seem so obvious. For heaven’s sake, the guy didn’t even know my name!
I slumped into my seat, as per usual, and gazed out the window. I thought back to the time when I used to see Alex pass by that very window on his skateboard every day. It was always at exactly 2:37, and I waited for it every time.
I remember the first few times it had happened. I used to gaze longingly out the window after he had disappeared from view. I thought about what it would be like to dramatically jump out of my seat and run after him. Then telling him about how amazing I think he is and having him take me to his house to watch his band practice in his garage.
Yeah right. That stupid voice had told me.
I looked at my watch. 2.35. I knew he probably wouldn’t show up, but I didn’t care. It was just another bad habit. I glanced at my watch again. 2:40. He wasn’t coming back.
Though I knew it’d happen one day, the realization shocked me. I took out my notebook, thinking that maybe writing something would take my mind off of it. It didn’t work.
I stared at the blank paper before me, blinking back tears. I would never find out if Alex was my happily-ever-after, or if he was just another boy, or if we would have ended up being best friends. I mentally smacked myself. Why hadn’t I listened to the voice?
The only reason I could find was: I couldn’t.
I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, and I didn’t speak now. And I would never get the chance to again.
XXX
I opened my locked and reached for my biology textbook on the top shelf. As I pulled it down a piece of paper that was underneath fell on the floor.
"What the?" I muttered, while reaching for it. I looked at it, "The skater boy, or Cody," it said at the top. I smiled. My friend had drawn it for me after she found out about my crush on Alex. I had totally forgotten about it.
Then the bell rang. I shut my locker door and went to science. I met up with my friend on the way.
"How are you?" She asked. She had heard about Alex leaving, and had noticed how sad I was.
"I'm fine," I told her, walking into class. She glanced down at my hand. I was still holding the drawing.
"What's that?" She asked.
I looked at the paper and then crumpled it up. Throwing it into the garbage I looked at her and smiled.
"It's nothing,"
