What A Song Could Do

August 2009

August 2009

I wanted to say it.

I wanted to see him so badly.

Maybe at this point I wanted him to get the hint already. But I was too scared to be straightforward.

And then it was strange when we saw each other again at Warped Tour. Everything I wanted to say was caught up in my throat. Everytime I talked to him, everytime I had the chance to say it I would blow shit up. Maybe the small talks were the only saving grace I had. But who the hell would ask how the weather was when it was obviously fine?

I thought it was clearly over, but then Jacob, Will, and Joe helped me.

Jacob invited some of us to stay at his friend's house overnight because he wanted to party. I didn't trust myself with alcohol hundred percent. And I was extra nervous because Matthew was here.

He stood in a few corners of the room from time to time. I would catch his eyes and then I would wave shyly.

I should just really tell him.

Maybe the rest of the night wasn't really productive. Except for a few drinks and smokes and jams, I think we were all doing okay. And then we were all tucked under the beds and sofas after a couple of hours, and I kept wondering if this was alright.

I found myself finding fresh air on the balcony. No one was there except for Matthew. Of course.

He was hanging by himself on the corner, leaning against the post, gazing across the lawn with an expression. Maybe he wanted fresh air too.

"You're still awake," I said.

He glanced at me. "Yeah."

I went closer to him. "You should be getting some sleep."

"Well you're here."

"Well, I can't really sleep."

He nodded. "Me too."

And then we didn't really say anything else. He stood beside me enjoying the moment, and I did the same. Probably better. I asked him if he wanted a beer and he said he didn't want any. I did the same.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

He shook his head. "It's nothing."

I nod because I didn't want to push him.

We tried to talk about anything else. We ended up talking about Doctor Who, and Sherlock and then bands. I started to talk about my family—my brother, my mother who was battling cancer, my dad. I mostly did the talking and he just listened. He would nod his head and give me a broken expression. Like he wanted to cry.

And then all this time I was beside him, I was thinking maybe I couldn't to this. I couldn't keep it up anymore. I didn't care if I did ruin everything. I was this close to something.

"Matthew, I need to tell you something."

"Me too. I have something to say."

I held my breath and I think my stomach was in knots. And I hated that I was feeling anxious and nervous and worried at the same time. I know it wasn't easy. I know there were still a lot of things I had to worry about other than this, but I knew I had to do this, so I waited for him to say something.

And in return he looked at me and said; "I'm quitting the band."

I sat there unfazed. Too quite stunned to say something.