I Wish You Were Here

To River...

Dear River,

The first time I saw you, I was 5. My father got me to sit with him and watch the movie Stand By Me, the first 80s movie that I ever had the privilege to see and I'm so glad that it was one of your movies. I never understood what the movie was showing me. I didn't understand the storyline, the characters, the meaning of it,  All I remember was comments being made by my father as he pointed his finger towards your face on the screen, "He's dead now". Not the best thing to say to a 5 year old who still believed in 'living forever'.

All I ever got from that movie at such a young age, was that you were my favourite. I always referred to you as 'The boy in the white shirt', for I was never told your characters name due to my father being too invested in the movie, to hear me asking questions.

I watched Stand By Me constantly, your beauty caught me and drew me in, even at such a young age. For I didn't understand a word or a rhyme that you were saying, but I did understand that you were beautiful.

When I was 11, I finally started to understand what was happening. I understood the meaning of the movie, the meanings of what was being said, the connections to the characters and the references... I got it all.

Once I understood it all, I didn't watch it anymore. For reasons unknown to myself, I drifted. Maybe it was because I was too caught up in my own personal problems? Maybe I was having a hard time at school? I'm not entirely sure, but when I was 13, I came back.

Even though I understood the movie properly at 11, I seemed to see it in a different perspective when I was 13. I was looking at it from more of a mature point of view, I cried when Chris and Gordie cried, when you all laughed, I laughed... Not much about life makes sense to me. I'm almost 15 and I still get confused over life, it will always be a mystery to me. Why did this happen to me? Why do people treat people like this? Why did that have to happen?

Why did you have to die? ...

When I was 14, I decided I should do some more research about you. I found out what you died from, where you were born, when your birthday was. I read quotes, watched interviews, anything that I could find out about the boy that I have been idolizing over since I was 5.

I never knew a biography was released about you until August 2014, I asked my mum if we could go to the library in hopes of finding it, and we did! I was thrilled at my luck of finding it. I had my nephew who is also my best mate, Conner with me at the time and he wasn't too interested in watching his Aunty fan girl over finding it. He will never admit it, but he was more than happy to sit with me and read more about you.

The second I found out your were a vegan from the book, I didn't even give it a second thought and I have been a vegetarian ever since. I always wanted to become a vegetarian, I was never too fond on the idea of eating a poor innocent animal but it was hard.

 My father worked at a slaughter house and then has worked at a butchery for years. All the red meat that we got was from him. My brother Brenden worked at that same butchery for a while too and is nice when he wants to be, but can be quite mean too, he hated the thought of me not being a 'meat eater'. My other brother Scott has worked with my father for years as well, basically everyone but my mother is a big meat eater.

My mother was the only one to support me when it came to being a vegan. She was the only one to check the labels, pay for the foods, take me to a doctor to see how much of certain things I will need to keep me as healthy as I can be. She was the only one who cared about what I wanted.

I've been through quite a bit over the years, I'm sure you, having the front row seat to all of your fans, would have seen it. I was struggling to go to school. I didn't have any friends, I was having constant panic attacks, I was late almost everyday because I refused to get out of my mums car. The thought of walking into that classroom and having everyone look at me, paralysed me.

I never thought I would be good enough to become friends with certain people, because I wasn't as pretty as them girls, I wasn't as skinny, as tall, as rich... I'm so proud of myself that even though I cried over it, I never changed myself to be something I wasn't, something that I knew you would never do as well.

I used to throw myself into reading, listening to music, anything I could do to get my mind off of what was affecting me at that certain point in time. I used to listen to the Stand By Me Soundtrack over and over, I loved it so much because it not only made me feel better, but reminded me of you.

Some nights I would cry myself to sleep because I missed you so much, it wasn't every night, just some. I would get to thinking about all the things you could have achieved... you had the potential to conquer the world River. You had the potential to change other peoples life for the better, help those with voices that people refuse to listen to, you could have achieved anything that you wanted to.

I know you could have.

I would wonder about if you would be happily married, living on a farm maybe? Have beautiful children, lots of animals that you would have taken amazing care of...

If you were still alive today, I would hope that you would have found someone, who could make your days a little bit brighter, make you happy on the darkest of days, would make you feel like you mattered when you thought you didn't.

The thought of you suffering kills me. What you went through as a child, having to go through those terrible things...

Having to be the main income for your parents, seeing your father drink, constantly covering for him and laughing it off...

You were always there for everyone else, but no one was REALLY there for you.

You deserved the world River, I just wished someone could have given it to you... You mattered! You were worth everything good in this world and the fact that you didn't get the life that you deserved...

I know your in a better place now. A place away from the hurt, the pain, the wrong-doings in this harsh world... You can finally be happy. You are free to soar the skies, lay on clouds, laugh, cry happy tears! Your unstoppable now River... Your free.

I know that you have missed 22 birthdays and only got to celebrate 23... but if you got to see all the support that your fans offered you today... you would be so proud.

You have helped so many people become the person that they desired to be, and you don't even get to be here to see it...

I love you to the ends of the earth and over and I know that I will miss you forever.

Happy 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30th ,31st, 32nd, 33rd, 34th, 35th, 36th, 37th, 38th, 39th, 40th, 41st, 42nd, 43rd, 44th and of course... 45th Birthday!

Save me a seat up there Rio!

"We're all worth it, man. We're all worth millions of planets and stars and galaxies and universes"                   - River Phoenix