a/n: The person that has a quotation means it was his/her POV(Point of View) thanks.. Enjoy
"Life is a gift, I wanted to return." - Katie
A normal people go to school, partied all night, get a life through learning, smile, laugh, fall in love, get a reward from the parents when they did good deeds, plan for the future, enjoy living life to the fullest, dream big and stuff like that. But as for me I'm here all alone in my dark room, staring at the ceiling and thinking about how to end my life. I've been trying a lot these days, but death is playing a trick on me. I was chasing death for about a year now and luckily I've never encountered that yet.
6 months ago I tried to kill myself by the usual blade style, everyone does, but my mom just caught me off guard before any blood flows down my pulse. I was rescued immediately and that becomes my 3rd failure attempt.
Earlier than that 8 months ago, I drove under the influence of alcohol; I drove to the maximum speed my BMW can go. That was close I bumped on a tree and I'm still alive, I just got my head hit on the steering wheel, got some bruises cause by the shuttered front glass, admitted 3 days in a hospital and that was my 2nd failure attempt.
Well if you're eager to know the first then it goes like this, I took all the medicine in our medicine cabinet, I tried to drink all those to get over dozed, after drinking it all, I felt my world spinning, my sight darkening and everything went black. The next day when I woke up, everything was white and I knew it was not heaven, because heaven will not forbid me for ending my own life, so I guess this was hospital and that made me think I'm still alive and that was my first failure attempt.
If you're thinking how many failures I have committed, countless but those I've said was the major thing that I know. I tried to get hit by the car, to jump on the bridge, to go to club and find someone who can kill me, walk late at night hoping that someone bad will go on my way and end my life. I even drink poison, hang myself on the ceiling, but death is not showing around, it made me feel sick to think of what can I do until I talked to my closest friend Lily about this problem.
"Come on Lily, I've been asking you a serious question and all you can say are these things that I already did already. Think of another." I was bugging her all day with this problem of mine.
"Why do you want to end your life by the way?" this is the question I don't want to answer.
"If I'm going to remember the reason then that makes me wanna go find ways to kill myself in an instance."
"Katie, whatever your reasons may be, I just want you to know that, everyone of us will die soon, that's the end, why not just wait for your turn to claim your right for death. You will never know it might knock on your door sooner or later." I can't wait too long.
"Yeah but the sooner the better,"
"Can you just wait, for quite some time, it will come to you, coz' you know what? Even if you try harder to kill yourself, you will not be granted unless it is your time already, you will just get tired and lose control but nothing will ever happen. And Katie God will not forbid you, if you will continue that"
From what she said, Lily has a point, if it's my time already then maybe 10 months ago I'm dead by now and with all the attempts that became a failure. I think God is up there seeing me frustrated because I'm changing his plan.
"Then what I'm going to do now that I can't do that killing myself??"
"You have to live your life; the normal people ways does, and go on,"
"Live, like a normal people?, How am I supposed to start?? I messed up, remember?" I messed up big time.
"Hey pretty chick ass, you know right that you messed up and what you gonna do is to create a new, and start all over, it's not as if your late, it's about time, don't you think??"
"About time? To what? To wonder what life could give me? Or what life can I give to myself?, It's not like opening a book, and start reading and that's it." It's hard to think of ways on how to end life and it's too hard to find ways on how to begin it.
"I know, but somehow you have to begin somewhere in order for you to start again, I mean there are ways Katie, you start schooling and whatever comes your way then go with it, just a start up phase will do."
The idea of schooling sucks! But I don't want to disappoint Lily for she had used many words and I don't want her to feel bad about giving advices which I can hardly do.
"Schooling?? And deal with brats, cool pathetic students, bully, geeks and weirdoes well not a bad idea." It's just a very bad idea.
"Look who's talking about weirdo, your one doesn't you? Well tell your mom that you wanted a life and you wanted to start with schooling."
"Yeah, maybe she will throw up a party because for the first time I'm doing something good about myself. Good bye Lily, thanks for the advice by the way."
"That's cool, don't forget to invite me anyways." She winked at me.
That's the conversation that made all the difference in my life. Today I'm thinking of how to kill myself, yeah but I also think about how to start. I already told my mom about the schooling and guess what she's just happy with tears. Why are moms very emotional? I just don't get it. Maybe schooling can kill me in some ways.
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*AN: I hope it goes along fine.. vote if you want, comment of you want, follow if you want.. =)
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