Undecided

The Beginning of the End.

I began thinking about it, death I mean, about a few days ago. I have everything I could ever want: a loving fiance, a high paying job that I love, and a gorgeous house. But my outside family could have spawned from the Devil himself.

I guess they treated me as normal as they would treat a family member. I was highly intelligent so my mother had bragging rights with her family. About 5 years ago, at 15, I came out as  nonreligious . It was just about the worst thing I could have done. My family was a hypocritical Christian family known for telling you to "be yourself" but then "no, not like that". I was immediately outed whenever I could be, it's not like I wanted to be around them anyway. Then to make things worse later that year I came out as queer. I now know that I am polysexual but back then I thought it was just lesbian, bisexual, and gay but oh boy,  was I wrong.

This family showed pure hatred towards me EVEN my own mother. They said "I went wrong because I didn't have a father figure"  and the constantly tormented me with it. Now at age 20 I have cut all my ties from them. It was best for all of us if I was gone.

The thoughts of death occurred when my mother tried to reenter my life. Based on her past activities I gave her a strong, firm no. It was then she told me she wished she aborted me or that she killed me when I was young. I tried time and time again to block her or move my location but I couldn't without letting Jamie know and I didn't want to get them involved in this, so I kept it to myself. I began to wonder if everyone would be better off if I wasn't alive and didn't exist or
if I just went into a constant hiding. It wasn't helping my relationship at all, I mean I was never there.

In the following weeks it got worse and I grew increasingly anxious. I'd jump at every sound I never left my house. This particular morning I'm coming out of the bathroom only to see my fiance exhausted, spread out naked on our bed. My legs invite me to the chair next to them, time is stalled. "Baby, I-I've wanted you from the moment I saw you," I  stuttered," all the way from high school when your hazel eyes fled to mine across the courtyard. I slowly made advances on you, you completely oblivious to my plan. You were in love with another, so was I. You became the topic of my mental, with your bright smile and full laugh. I never thought for a minute you'd ever want me, and now you're my special one. We're getting married soon, " a tear slips out," You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm about to ruin it all."