A/N: this book is based of all the feelings I bottle up inside and some of my favorite songs.
In The Beginning...
I started to notice the world in a different light since I was 13. Thirteen I truly hate that number, the age were my whole life quickly elapsed into a world of darkness. The age were I finally understood how cruel the world is and how bad it fucks you over. The world didn't care how young I was, how innocent I seemed, I still ended up in this never ending rabbit hole of sadness.
When this feelings first started I thought it was all in my head and I was making things up but I wasn't every time I felt that dull ache in my chest, every time I felt empty it was real. I didn't want to be this sad I wanted to be happy so everyday I go to school I put on that fake smile, tell jokes and laugh along with my friends.
Never once did they hear the emptiness in my laughs the sadness in my eyes this pain I carried in my chest, it's like they turned a blind eye. Or maybe emotions are to hard for the human eyes to see. I never want to tell them how I feel because, I don't want to be a burden or maybe they won't care at all.
I'd like to think that everything will get better but there's always the possibility
That it doesn't, and I'll be doomed to a eternity of sadness. Suffering in silence is what I've been doing since I was thirteen. I could never tell how bad I wish I could tell someone but I'm scared. Fear has always seemed to trump everything that I do.
I have these long sleepless nights staring at the celling thinking these dark thoughts, I try to stop, but I can't. My anxiety keeps me up with all the things I have to do tomorrow or weeks from now. Sleep has never come easy to me and I don't it ever will.
My family. They contribute this undying sadness I feel. The small comments they say about me affect me so much but they don't notice. They think I take it as I joke but really it's a stab to the chest and a knife to the head. They don't seem to understand how much it hurts me
I'm tired of being the one that makes everyone else happy instead of myself. I'll always cheer people up when their down, but who's going to help me when I'm sad, when I feel like I've had enough of this life? Will there be anyone to save me? Or do I have to save myself?
Will all my scars heal as time goes by or will they scars run deeper? I sometimes pray someone finds out how I feel so, they can help me get help. But what if the judge me and make fun of me. Too many conflicting thoughts in my head, I wish my brain would come to simple agreement. It's hard being strong alone, I need someone to lean on. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I'm slipping away as the minutes pass even the seconds.
I try to imagine my life if I were happy and not sad and depressed. I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy all I know is the sadness in my chest. The sadness has become my best friend and the one I know will always be there for me.
As I lay here on my bed the loneliness engulfs me, with tired and blank eyes I stare at the calling wishing this was all a dream, a terrible nightmare that I'll wake up from. No matter how much I wish it I know it's not true this is just my cold real reality, and there's no escaping it.
"Why did this have to be my life" I whispered. "Why could can't I be happy" I cried. These are the questions I ask myself with tears streaming down my face. Why do I have to be so afraid to open up to someone.
Surviving is what I've been doing all these years, I want to be able to one day say it survived and I beat this sadness. I want to be able to live my life to the fullest and have fun.
The calling has become the only thing that knows about these dark thoughts that haunt my mind. The callings knows about everything I've ever thought and all the times of thought of suicide. The celling is the one that knows about the real me. The celling stares back into my tired blank eyes and tells me "I'll always listen to you and never tell a soul."
I sit up on my lonely bed and stare at the walls and all the ghost inside them, the walls know the secrets I keep hidden inside. They also promised not to tell a living soul.
"Ring, ring" it's my alarm clock telling me it's time to get ready for school. School is waste. Half the things we learn things we don't need in life. School makes everyone miserable.
Everyone in the school system just assumes that kids/teens are lazy instead of thinking, that maybe there's flaws in the system that they should fix. They make everything our fault instead of looking to themselves.
Kelly Clarkson once said in her song what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I think she's wrong. Bring Me The Horizon is right when they sang what doesn't kill you leaves you broken instead.
