Killing Edward Cullen

"Say it. Out loud."

I vomited in my mouth. I can see that stupid human twitching as she turns around. 

"Vampire," she says. Twitching. Sometimes I don't know why I try to protect humans. I also don't understand why he's so angsty if he's a hundred years old. Shouldn't the awkward teen phase be over by now? I'll have to report this to my superiors. 

Suddenly, the pale, bouffanted vampire grabs the equally pale human and disappears up the mountain. I trudge after them, muttering under my breath about how stupidly he runs. I lift my binoculars to my eyes half-way up the mountain, panting. Krudnucks. They're up in a tree for God's sake. Edward suddenly jumps out and throws a tree then runs around yelling like a madman.

My superiors told me nothing about a bipolar vampire. Ah, well. Now he has her pinned against a redwood. I raise my badass crossbow expectantly, taking aim at Edward's lumpy neck. I wait for him to try to sink his fangs into her supple flesh, but he doesn't. He moves away. Dammit. I'm close enough to hear them now.

"-fell in love with the lamp," he says. Lamp? What kind of vampire is this? I think in horror. I inch closer.

"What a stupid lamb." Oh, lamb! AH HA HA HA HA HA, silly me!

"What a sick, masochistic lion." God, these animal analogies are pathetic. This vampire is as crazy as a Cajun coon. Oh well, if the horse throws you off get right back on. When I look back, after thinking up awesome animal analogies, they're gone. Whoops!

I decide to head back to the local Indian Reservation, where I'm staying while I'm on this mission. I'm 1/8 Indian. I got headrights.

-+-+-+-

I stand outside my teepee, silently observing the simple life of the indigenous people. Just as I reach in my badass trench coat pocket to retrieve an ear of corn to snack on, a group of steroid-filled young men approach me. 

"Here to take our land once again, White Man?" one of the boys yell.

"Hey! I hate the White Man as much as you do! I'm an albino Indian! Thanks for rubbing it in!" I sob, running back in to my teepee. I hear someone enter my home and look up. It's one of THEM.

"Jeez, man, I'm sorry," he says. "Let me make it up to you. You can come and participate in the annual tribal dance tonight to hear the stories of my ancestors."

"What do I wear?"

"Here," he says, handing me a piece of fabric. "I have an extra one with me."

It's a loincloth.

I thank him and he leaves with a friendly smirk. I hear some laughter outside. I shove my face into the pile of stinking animal skins on the floor of my teepee and drift off to sleep.

I wake up just in time for the tribal dance and quickly put on the loincloth. Looking at myself in my pocket mirror, I must say that I look good. I can hear drums and chanting as I draw closer to the fire they have built. The boy that I had talked to earlier came to greet me, wearing a t-shirt with an american flag on it and jeans, like everyone else. Everyone turns to look at me and laughs. I see one other boy wearing a loincloth sitting with his head down, looking slighly starved of steroids.

"Guess me and that kid are the only ones that try to honour our ancestors, huh?" I say. Everyone quickly looks away and resumes what they were doing. I sit next to my fellow loincloth-wearing attendee of the pow-wow. 

"Hau," I say, holding up a right hand. He glares at me and continues to drink from a can of soda. 

"My name's Buff," I push on. He sighs and detatches the soda from his lips. I notice he has a very strange nose.

"Jacob," He says. I nod and stare into the orange glow of the fire. 

"Why so glum?" He asks. 

"It's just that I'm on my first mission with the (insert clever vampire hunting association acronym here.)  I've been tracking this real arrogant prick of a blood-sucker for more than a week now. Edward Cullen?"

The kid suddenly looks at me with interest. 

"Oh, you're that vampire hunter staying here. Yeah, that guy's the worst," he says.

"You know him?"

"Yeah," he says. " he's trying to steal my bitch."

"The twitching white girl?" I ask in shock. I can't imagine anyone wanting her, much less two guys. At least it wasn't four.

"Don't talk about her like that. I love her."

"Well, I can tell you right now that this guy is a total douche, so I don't think they'll last long."

He seems encouraged by this and we continue our conversation about our mutual hate of vampires long into the night. I eventually retire to my teepee to get some rest for the long day ahead. When I enroll in Forks High School. 

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Tune in next week to find out what happens when our hero, Buff, must deal with both breeds of teenager in their natural habitat: The vampire kind and the... not vampire kind. 

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