"Elle hey how are you?"
"Kori, I'm great just started a new semester at school."
"And how's the diet, you're looking better."
"Thank-you I was just about to head to the gym actually."
"Well we should have lunch some time ok?"
"Sure."
Rule #1: You're always on a diet even when you're not.
2008
When you wake up and realize you are 'Really' fat it can be pretty shocking. For me it was trying on jeans at the store with my friends in grade 7, when the largest size in the store could hardly make it pass my knees.
As time passed other people really started to notice my weight gain. They couldn't see that I had lost my step dad, watched as my beautiful mother decayed from grief, or fell into a dark hole of depression and grief myself. All they could see was the tire stomach, the back fat, and the jiggle of my thighs as I walked, and their disgusted glares and rude jokes, caused me to avoid any social interactions.
"Hi Elle, it is good to see you today, the nurse was saying you have a chough."
"Yeah. Mom was worried because it hasn't gone away yet." I replied as my doctor sat down. As she started typing on the computer I reread the 'quit smoking' poster. I'm too young to smoke but it was better then just sitting there.
"Well you haven't visited us in a while lets take some standard test first, sounds good?"
I skipping math class to be here I might as well drag the appointment out as long as I can, so I just nod my head.
She quickly wrapped my arm in the blood pressure wrap, and turned it on. I hate this machine I always find it hurts life a b#tch. My blood pressure was a mystery to me, they never tell me if it is bad or good, I just have to assume it is fine or they would have told me other wise.
Next was my weight and height and I don't even bother looking because I know what it will say, I am too big for a 16 year old.
"Elle we really need to get your weight under control. I'm going to give you a prescription for Curves ok that way you can save some money on a gym pass."
"Ok."
"Are you currently dieting by any chance?"
Instantly with out thinking I respond. "Oh of course, but all I have been doing was walking and eating well. I am sure the gym pass will really make all the difference."
"Perfect then."
++++
"Should your really be eating that?"
"A granola bar? Yeah, why?"
"I thought you were on a diet?"
Becky, my best friend since elementary school; asked. Our friendship had always been rocky even from the start. She made comments about my weight and I would get her back by saying the guy she liked was gay. Which was true, I have an excellent 'gaydar'.
"A granola bar isn't going to kill my diet Becky."
"It's chocolate."
"It's 200 calories and the only thing I have eaten so far today."
"I just thought you wanted to be skinny for graduation, if you keep indulging like that it is not going to happen."
"Fine." Giving up the fight I drop the rest of the granola bar in the trash bin. "Whatever."
"Trust me you will thank me later."
The down side to everyone you know thinking you are on a diet is that they all seem to think they have to tell you what to do. Becky a girl, whom can eat like a horse and remain stick thin, would be the last person I would ask for diet tips. But then again I never ask, it is always shoved down my throat regardless.
The upside though is people at least think you are trying to change. Eating salads and walking around in jogging clothes implies you don't just sit on your butt all day eating junk food. And although I am pretty active, when people see me all they really see is the stereotype fat girl. So dieting makes people nicer to me, well most of the time.
"So anyways you know Randy, was so flirting with me in class! He noticed my new hair cut and said it really 'framed' my face well. He is the best."
"But he is gay."
"You think you have such a good gaydar but I am telling you he is not."
"We have been friends since elementary school if he was straight he would have asked you out by now."
"Well your opinion isn't a fact. And your experience around guys is very limit, so sorry but I won't be trusting your judgment."
"Whatever."
"Oh did you want me to walk with you tonight?"
"No I just updated the music on my mp3 so I'll be fine."
"Ok. Well lunch is almost over see you at 3."
Heading to my locker I grab my textbooks and head over to my next class, science with dread. I am hungry, tired, and embarrassed. Becky had been so loud when she told me not to eat the granola bar, that people had been looking over watching to see what the fat girl did.
Living in my small town I should be use to the negative attention, since I have had plenty of it since I moved here 10 years ago, being the only plus sized person in the town. But every time someone's attention is on me I just want to run and hide. School is a nightmare, kids would make fun of me and I would brush it off until I was alone. I would go home and act like everything was fine, and then in the dead of night safely under my covers I would cry and sometimes punch my stomach till
I fell asleep. I couldn't tell anyone about my hurt and depression, that sometimes when things got really bad, my thoughts would creep into the suicidal category. It would kill my mom to hear that, my friends would call me a drama queen and probably make a joke out of it.
Besides that was rule #2: Don't show your emotions, your weight makes you weak enough.
----
Sorry about any errors it is late and I suck at proof reading at night but I wanted to get this up tonight. Once again this is a true story, but it is just too weird for me to write my own name down I just used my middle name instead.
P.S. the boy I said was gay has come out of the closet now, and we still chat over face book sometimes.
