The Journal [ ON HOLD]

The Journal

Dean

I began walking a different way home. I didn't have any plans for today and I just didn't feel like coming straight home. Besides, Pine Springs was beautiful and I need this serenity right now. Being the star quarter backs has its pros and cons. Sure, the popularity is great, but I don't really have any true friends. Sure, I know plenty of people, but to me they just seem to like me for all the publicity and not for truly me. Except for Kayla. She's the only one who truly knows who I am. I don't care of people thought she was a loser. She makes me happy and I am completely in love with her.  My peers and dad can just go to hell for all I care because I'm going to be with her no matter what. I knew that my father was going to go off on me when I tell her that I haven't and will not break up with her. I do love her, but just haven't told her yet.

I shook my head and just tried to focus on the nature. There was a pond coming up and I sat down on the bench next to it. I just looked out at the view and didn't think. Just me, myself, and I. I stretched my arms on the bench and felt something. It was a small, worned out book. It didn't have a cover title page, so I opened it.

Property of Chase Micheals

It's someone's journal.

I closed it and tried to decide if I should read it or not. I'm a curious human, so I decided to just read it.

If you are reading this then you are a nosey motherfucker....

I chuckled.

and you should know that I am dead.

I gasped. What? I thought. I am definately reading  on.

If you are a stupid person, let me write this out for you. No, I'm not a ghost, I was alive. I just commited suicide. Yes, I killed myself. Now, read on for the tales of my crappy life. 

I remember meeting Jayla like it was yesterday. It was on a Tuesday, January the 6th. She was quiet and shy, but amazingly smart and funny. The first words I ever said to her was, " How do you spell your name?" Pretty lame huh? Mr. Coldski assigned us partners for this History project we were to work on. I thought it was fate when he put us together because even though we've gone to the same school for 4 years, we have never spoken to one another. I just couldn't bring myself to muster up the courage to speak to a girl like her. Anyways, back to the story.

We were told to put our names on the same piece of paper and she put mine and hers on her paper. I wanted to say something so bad so of course I made a complete dumbass of myself. I asked her how do you fucking spell her name. Like really? What the fuck. Of course I knew how to spell her name. Who couldn't? It was easy as shit. J-A-Y-D-A. I inwardly smacked myself for looking like a complete fool. But her being the nice person she was, smiled and told me anyways. 

After a while we finally felt comforatable around each other. or was it just me? I dont fucking care. We talked and shit. We had a nice long conversation and exchanged numbers.Ya know, to work on the project. I was beyond happy anyway. The class soon ended and it was time to go home. History was my last class and I actually went home happy. The happiness stopped as soon as I walked through the door.

My dad greeted me with a punch to the face. He yelled at me for being late. I wasn't even late. I arrived home on time. He didn't care though. He never cares. He's just one factor in my life for my pain. I don't know if you noticed this by now, but I have no friends.At all. I'm so fucking serious. Jayda was the only contact in my phone. Yeah, yeah I know. I'm a lame. I'm a loser. You don't have to tell me. I've been told that pretty much my entire life. I was always a loner and teased for it. Being bullied by the kids at school and the society for telling me I have to be perfect. Like, I need to have a chisled chest and a great head of hair with a smile girls swoon for. I was striving to be that because obviously I'm not.

I struggle with my weight. I don't eat uch, well actually I eat very little. I also deal with self harm like cutting and brusing and such. Scars cover my stomach, wrists, and thighs. The reason I don't show much skin. I also wear alot of black so if I bleed then you won't really be able to tell. ANYWAYS, after getting countless beatings I crawled up to my room and just layed on the bed. Doing absolute nothing. Oh yeah, if whoever you are is a bully then FUCK YOU!  I layed there for about an hour and took a shower, afterwards I took a blade to my skin. I don't have to go into the graphics. You know where it went. 

Now that day, was the best day of my life. I didn't care about my father. That was normal.

Over the months of talking and doing a bomb ass project, we finally got together. When I asked her to be my girlfriend she replied with, "I thought I already was. " She was just perfect. I was in love and couldn't ask for anything or anyone else. I still struggled with my life, but she made it absolutely better. With her, I am truly myself and feel safe. We dated for 7 months, 7 amazing ass months. 

One day, I texted her and I didn't get a reply back. I wasn't really worried, but then hours passed and I was starting to become nervous. I decided to call her and when I got a voicemail, I knew something was wrong. She always answers my calls, no matter what. I guess my presumptions were correct because the next day, I found out she was raped then murdered. She was walking home from the library and some fucking bastard raped her, then he killed her. Of course I was crushed. When I heard the news, I couldn't take it. I began dizzy and passed out. I had an anxiety attack. Jayda Morris was the only person I woke up for. Not for me, but for her. To see her smile, to have her kisses, to just BE with her. But she was gone now. Some fucker took her life. 

After her funeral, I couldn't do anything anymore. I ddn't have a purpose to. I became more and more depressed. Finally, one day I just couldn't take it anymore and thats today. Well, it's today for me. I am sitting on this bench writing on my last words. I don't know why, I just want to. Somebody has to remember me for something than just the guy who commited suicide. Remember me as the shy guy who finally found some purpose for going on. I hope that you found your one true love. If you do then NEVER let that person. Make every moment count. Don;t ever stop showering them with your love

So today,I''m going to commit suicide. In that beautiful lake is where I'll reside. Drowning of course. This lake was when Jayda first told me she was in love with me. It's our favourite place to go. Or was. Whatever. I'm dying. The police has probably already took me out the water by now. I'm finally going to be happy. Finally going to be my Jayda once again. It's truly going to be Chase Micheals & Jayda Morris forever. Forever and always.

So now I'll be saying goodbye to my, my dear nosey friend. I hope you have a great fucking life and remember to be yourself, always, and no matter what, do NOT give up on the one you love. Peace out and all that other shit. 

"Wow." I said out loud. That was deep. I'm pretty sure there was more to the story, but I'm guessing that's the jist of it. I know if I went through all those things Chase went through. As I started to close his Journal a picture fell out. It was of a guy and girl. They both looked really happy together. On the back it said, "Chase + Jayda. Forever and Always." I smiled and slid it back in the book. I wanted to leave it for other people to see, but what if it rained? The weather here is pretty unpredictable. I chose to take it with me. I'm not going home right away. I took the path to Kayla's house. There is something I need to tell her.