A Review of "The Magician's Tongue" by @Califia

I wish all parables involved oral sex...

LM: I don't remember how I found The Magician's Tongue: A Parable, except for the fact that I am always looking for "mature" tagged work to read on Wattpad. But once I found it, I was so excited, I immediately sent it to @maxinedonner because it needed to be reviewed here, and like, now.

MD: And I'm so glad she did, because holyhell is this just up my alley. It's smart - no scratch that, it's awash with erudition, because that's how she talks - and yet it's about oral sex, but no, it's about so much more. I mean, come on! It's a fucking parable, people!!!

So it meets our rules by immediately starting with sex. Mid-sex. Mid-oral sex, which may be the best kind of, well, never mind. But it caught our attention. The next paragraph, however, discusses that the MC, Stuart, is a magician. And that's how we knew this was not a regular story.

Every time I think of a magician, I think of this guy I discovered on youtube called Keith Barry. He's got this amazing Irish accent, so in my mind, Stuart did too, to go along with his amazing tongue...

We need to discuss the tongue.

And the words that she uses to describe the tongue, "Unusually devilish lingual protuberance."

Exactly. "Oral articulation apparatus."

This is what is so compelling to me about this story. It's not just that it's about oral sex, which is super hot. It's how she crafts the story with such animus and such verbosity. I'm totally making words up here because that's how impressed I was with her command of English. Like she was a ringmaster and nouns and adjectives are just jumping through hoops at her command.

Nice metaphor, Dear. But yes, she's fucking creative and the story feels wholesale, wholeheartedly, whole-whatever original, even if it is a parable and is, perhaps, based on some sort of classical mythology of which I know not.

I was worried that we would reach the part about this being a parable. Because I'm not sure I know what a parable is. The truth probably lies in the third chapter where (spoiler alert) Stuart becomes dissatisfied with being used for his oral performance, and essentially wants to return to a life of obscurity.

Per Oxford Dictionary online just now, definition of parable is: "A simple story used to illustrate a moral or spiritual lesson, as told by Jesus in the Gospels."

Well I'm fucked then, because I'm a devout atheist.

LOL. But I think the idea of it being just a simple story -- guy has gift and is unsatisfied with it -- does have some morality to it. Aren't we supposed to use our gifts? And this does help others so doesn't he have the moral obligation to use his gift? Sorry, got too deep. Let's talk about his tongue.

Ok back to the tongue in just a second. One last thought on the parable. So, wattpaders, if you haven't figured it out, Leslie and I are good friends, and we chat a lot outside of wattpad. We also like to exchange suggestions for authors to read outside of wattpad and she has turned me on to two men writing erotica: Jake Fucking Malden and JD Fucking Hawkins. And yes, those are their middle names.

Must interrupt that you got their middle names right.

So anyway, the other day, wait, no, it was this morning, she sends me this pic of JD Hawkins and it is this absolutely GORGEOUS guy with a full sleeve tattoo on his right arm, six pack abs and this amazing hair and I've been thinking about him a lot and thinking about the impossible standards that we hold people to. And I think that maybe that's what this is a parable for. You know that sometimes we just want to be loved for who we are, and not what we can do for people, not for what we can deliver. Stuart grows dissatisfied with his life of pleasuring women because none of them are seeing him for who he really is and what his needs are. And that really stuck with me.

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE TO BE SO ERUDITE AND DEEP WHILE TALKING ABOUT HOTTIE JD HAWKINS and okay, I won't yell, but, um, good point.

I also thought it was really fucking clever that to get rid of his curse he needs to go down on a goddess. I did not see that.. uh.. cumming. But back to the tongue... in chapter 2 we learn that Stuart "discovered" his penchant for oropharyngeal prowess while in a trailer with Sabrina. He makes love to her pussy with his lingual manipulations such that, and I'm quoting here, "...the entire trailer she resided in vibrated off its cement foundations. Sabrina's unabashed shrieks of bliss eventually summoned to the mobile home park a police car to investigate the unusual disturbance."

Um. That's some fucking cunnilingus, my friends.

Oropharyngeal. Show off. Said lovingly, of course.

<bats her eyes? what little old me? Try this on: idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura or keratosis pilaris rubra atrophicans facies>

Do I want to Google this shit?

Absolutely not. But back to his tongue...

Ha!

The Magician's Tongue: A Parable is a short story, and a quick read, but it stays with you and frankly, I found myself rereading it because of the beauty of the language and the unique way that the author expressed herself.

Me too. I've read it three times now and it keeps getting better. I can't wait to read more of her stuff, because I'm sure it is equally as thoughtful and sexy and clever as this one is.

Agreed. We hope we turn you on to a Wattpad gem. Or just turn you on.

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

So, with that, we send you to The Magician's Tongue: A Parable, by @califia, and give it two magical vibrators up.