Killing Edward Cullen

Chapter Two - In Which Buff Attends School

I walk into the office a few minutes after the first bell rings, wearing my newly washed letterman jacket. Jocks are always fashionably late. Winking at the middle-aged woman at the front desk to complete the effect, I stroll past her to enter the school.

Before the door closes behind me I hear, "Why does that kid smell like garlic?" I spin around lightning fast and pull open the door. 

"I'M ONE-EIGHTH ITALIAN!!" I scream into the office. I go back out and look for my first class, AP Trigonometry. I find it quickly and enter, sliding into a seat in the back before the teacher notices me. I open my notebook to a page of doodles consisting of cartoon vampires in various forms of steel bear traps. This trig class is merely a cover. I chose it because it's an ideal time to plot the downfall of the Cullens. I stop at this thought and briefly wonder if my time could be used more wisely as I stare down at my doodlies. Nay. I continue my thoughts until class is over.

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The cafeteria is already filled by the time I walk in. I start to walk to the food line, but the goth kids are there, so I think I'll wait. When I first came to Forks, I had targeted the goths as the vampires after watching them drink from a slaughtered rabbit in the woods. I had just raised my bow to shoot when one of them saw me and yelled at me. I think it might be a bit awkward now.

I work my way to a table that's close to Edward and Bella's table and sit. Bella is twitching like there's no tomorrow while Edward stares deeply into her eyes. I know he can read minds from his files, but he seems too enthralled with Bella's poop-coloured eyes.

I suddenly jump and try to keep my thoughts off of the twitching girl's name. By now, Edward probably picks up on it like he's got super mind-reading bat sonar. I have to think up a code-name for her. Mmmmm, Twitchy? No, too obvious. Edward would know I was thinking about her. I consider several code-names, mostly revolving around her irritating features, when the perfect name finally occurs to me.

Then I forgot it. Oh, well. I'll remember it later.

I look at the lunch line and see that the goths are gone, so I get up and get my lunch. I go back to my seat and listen to Edward and Bella's conversation. It's rather boring.

"Oh, Edward, I love you so much. You're so perfect." She says with her eyes fluttering. Gag.

"You are my life now." He replies simply. She sighs and blushes. "Will you come to my house this Saturday and meet my parents?"

"Oh, yes!" She practically yells this.

This is good. She'll lead me to the nest. Now I'm excited for Saturday.

The lunch bell finally rings and I finish out the day.

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Back at my teepee, I write all my notes and call the (insert clever vampire hunting association acronym here.)

I'm just hanging up when I hear someone clearing their throat outside. I move aside the rawhide flap and see Jacob there. He has his hair up in a ponytail, wearing shorts and no shirt. Gay.

"Hey," he says, making a hole in the dirt with one of his feet. "I was wondering how your first day was."

"Erm, it was fine."

"Was he there?" He asks.

"Yeah, so was she. They made plans for Saturday. She's going to his house."

"What?!" He barks at me.

"Yep, it's a date."

"What are you going to do? You can't let her go there. They'll eat her!"

"I'll be close. I'm going to monkey-up a tree and watch."

"Just make sure nothing happens."

"Yes, sir." I salute. "I have to get back to work, Jacob. Bella will be fine. My stakes are super sharp!"

"Alright." He looks doubtfully at me. I guess the fact that that I barely weigh 120 pounds doesn't give him confidence in my skills. What a dweeb.

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Next chapter: In Which Bella Leads Buff To the Nest.