The Last Time

"Ask me again." Jerry told the young man beside him.

"Ask me again." A look of incredulity sprang onto his companion's face.

"Really? Will you marry me?"

Again, hesitation flooded his mind. What was he thinking? Daring to be true. Daring to be happy. But this time he quelled his doubts and uttered the word he'd wanted to say but couldn't before.

"Yes." Yes.

Happiness came and fear with came with it; happy to be wed but fearful of the storm that would brew when the world knew of his happiness. But Chris was worth it. They'd known each other for five years. It was with Chris that he'd first been true. But even five years later, the truth was still hidden in the dark.

"Take me to church. I'll worship...." The sharp ring of his cell phone sliced his thoughts.

"Hello."

"Hey, Jerry." The warm, soothing voice of his wife almost brought him to tears. She'd loved him better than life itself and here he was betraying her.

"Could you bring home some ice cream? I think Leila wants something sweet to eat tonight."

Leila was their three year old adorable daughter. One of the sweetest children he'd ever had the pleasure of being called Daddy by, not that there were any other people who called him Dad. Well Chris did sometimes but not in the way that Leila did.

"Sure, honey." Again, he felt like poison. Caustic, God he was ugly! It reminded him of the night Leila had been born; the very first night that he and Chris consummated their love. He felt like a dark angel, gratified by the fulfillment of his darkest desire. And Maria had been in labour. Three years later and he still couldn't assuage the guilt nor unburden his heavy heart.

His confessions were silent; known only to himself. The selection of Hozier's "Take me to Church" as his ringtone, that was one; the burial of his Bible that was another. Confessions of the heart.

Sometimes he wondered if she knew. How could she not? It was impossible not to know....wasn't it.....for her not to know? There were times when the words almost came out. I'm gay. Maria, I'm gay. But his tongue became like lead and refused to function. Laden with guilt.

"You okay?" The question brought him back to reality. Chris. Or was he fantasy.

"I've got to buy ice-cream for Leila." As always whenever he mentioned his daughter, he saw the flicker of pity in Chris' eyes before his gentle smile.

"Need help?" The question carried more meaning than it should have. They had never been in public together. Ever. That was something he'd made sure of. But when he'd said yes, he'd accepted all the struggles.

"Yes, I would need your help."

Three hours later, found both he and Chris at his home in New Amsterdam, Berbice. He could hear the shrill giggle of his daughter and the soft, gentle voice of his wife. He could do this. It was time to be true.

"Maria, I'm home."

"Jerry, did you bring the ice-cream?....Wait...who's this?" My lover. My boyfriend. The bearer of my heart.

"This is Chris."

"Nice to meet you Chris. Are you a new colleague of Jerry's?"

"No. I'm his boyfriend."

"What! What!" Maria whirled to him. "Jerry what is he saying?"

"The truth."

Leila came running to him. "Daddy! Daddy!" Almost like a snake, Maria snapped up her daughter.

"Leave. Leave now!"

"Daddy! Daddy!" Jerry looked at his daughter, flailing with outstretched arms toward him. Taking one final look at the first love of his life, he took Chris' hand and made his way toward the door. He looked up at Chris' face, searching his eyes, should I, or should I not. He did. He slammed the door behind him. He knew it would be for the last time.