Illusive

Chapter One Beginnings

"I'm sorry, I let me fall for you. I can erase you and forget you but I can't undo you. You're the hand I can't hold, the words I'm not told when I'm lonely and I don't, I really don't want you back. I just want to have what you took from me- all of the kisses, the caresses, the smiles and the laughs. My innocence, vulnerability. To everyone else they may be abstract nouns that are nothing more than 9 and 13 letters escaping my mouth, but to me. They're so much more."

I scanned their faces, desperately trying to hide my anxiety. I felt my cheeks flush as they applauded, the majority, the forced, bluntly rhythmic bashing together of hands. I sat back down and felt my cheeks develop into a darker crimson.
The rest of the lecture was a blur in my mind, Dr Gillespie was desperately trying to keep us all engaged. I often sat and studied her during her lectures, I wondered if at home she had a husband who was as boring as she was. She wore a wedding band on her finger occasionally, I noticed she wore it only on Tuesday and Thursday. I assumed her husband worked away and she only wore her wedding band as a sign of reassurance to him. As they both grew older they fell out of love, she's 46 but looks at least 50. I wondered if Mr Gillespie was a long distance driver, although I imagined he'd be something a lot more interesting, for her standards anyway.

"Uh, Marleigh? Marleigh isn't it? Sorry, I can't believe I don't even know if it's your name.."
I snapped out of my imaginary world and looked at the person in front of me.
"Yes, it's Marleigh.. I'm sorry who.. Who are you?" I laughed awkwardly.
"Braxton, Bradley." He smiled at me.
"Oh, hi Braxton" I frowned slightly, confused as to why he was approaching me.
"No no! Oh god no it's Bradley, Bradley Braxton!" He laughed. "Sorry, I didn't make it very clear"

The awkwardness between us both was so thick I could cut it with my nail.

"Bradley, right.." I laugh again.
Stop laughing.
"I just wanted to uh, your piece.. For the assignment this week, it was really good" Bradley was smiling now.
Naturally, I smiled back. Shyly of course.
"Thank you Bradley. It was nothing special though, I rushed it last night"

As he began talking, I studied his face. His eyes were a dark blue that moulded into a green as the sun reflected, he had perfect teeth and I found myself directing my gaze at his mouth as he spoke. He told me about how he had just transferred from Australia, he didn't really know his way around campus. I knew from the moment he began talking to me that he was new, the way he desperately tried to hold up the conversation. Nobody ever made conversation with me.
"So, whereabouts in Australia are you from?" I asked, I sounded like I was patronising him but I was genuinely interested.
"The Gold Coast! Surfer's Paradise."
I laughed, a little too much.
"And let me guess, you love surfing and you have a barbecue for every meal too?"
Bradley shook his head as he sat down, leaning back against the tree.
"Yes, I love surfing but no, in fact I don't remember the last time I had a barbecue."
I sat down next to him, leaving a gap between us. I placed my bag down over my knees and looked up at the leaves and then back at him.
"What brought you to England? I mean, the weather is absolutely awful and there's definitely no where to surf a decent sized wave unless you travel down south, which will take a --" I stopped, embarrassed. "Sorry, I'm rambling again."
He frowned and looked at me. "Why are you saying sorry for taking an interest in me?"
I looked back up at the leaves, feeling myself blush.
"My family moved here and I didn't want to stay in Australia on my own, which I guess makes me sound like a massive coward but.."
"I think that's really sweet!" I interjected. "There's nothing wrong with being family orientated, in fact it's so much better."
"Thank you Marleigh." He smiled widely, like I'd just baked him a cake and offered him the biggest slice.
We sat in silence for a while. Bradley made an odd comment about how cold it was, though I was wearing a skirt and off the shoulder top, with sun cream on.

"What do you think of Dr Gillespie?" He asked me.
I shrugged. "She's okay, she gets a bit boring though"
"As soon as I saw her, she reminded me of Meryl Streep, she has those kind of eyes."
"Oh my god that's it! That's exactly who she looks like, I've spent the past two years trying to figure it out!"
He grinned at me, a childish, cheeky grin.
"You just needed some Australian wisdom you see."
I rolled my eyes and stood up, grabbing my bag. "Whatever you say, Braxton."
He stood up too and frowned.
"Hey did I offend you? I was kidding.."
I looked at him, trying not to laugh.
"That was sarcasm, I wasn't being serious."
"Oh..." Bradley scratched the back of his neck, smiling a half smile. "I need to learn the British ways."

I couldn't help but smile, he was so goofy and innocent, so strange but cute. We began to walk back to the student village. I watched him as he smiled and made an effort with everyone we walked past, literally everyone. It was nice, almost like a breath of fresh air. He was concerned as to why I hadn't greeted anyone or vice versa.

"Marleigh? You found a friend." Jason smirked at me, standing in front of me.
Bradley looked at Jason and smiled.
"I'm Bradley"
I couldn't quite believe that he could be so open with everybody.
Jason laughed and walked in between us, placing a hand on Bradley's shoulder.
"Good luck mate, you'll need it."

I started to walk quicker, Bradley put in a little jog to catch up with me.
"Was that another British sarcasm thing?"
"No Bradley, he's just an asshole."
"Oh, really? He didn't seem like he--"
"Well this is my block" I tried to smile, interrupting him again. "Thanks for walking me back, that was really sweet."
"I'll see you tonight right?" He looked hopeful.
"Tonight?"
"Yeah! The Redwood Ball." Bradley, the new guy, stared at me as if it was obvious.
I shook my head and laughed awkwardly again.
"It's not really my scene, I'll see you tomorrow though." I smiled a forced smile.
"Oh, well.. It was nice meeting you, Marleigh." He smiled once more. Those teeth.

I shut the door and frowned at myself, shaking out of it. I walked over to my bed and slumped down on it, yawning. I couldn't help but think he genuinely seemed disappointed I had turned him down. Although it's probably because he's desperate to make friends.. New kid and all. I looked out of the window and watched the lake, sighing to myself. My phone beeped, reminding me to take my medication. I walked over to my drug cabinet and looked at the wall, smiling to myself.

531 days.