Not-so happy endings (Troyler one-shots)

He doesn't know

Warning: The following content will have mention and thoughts about suicide and self hatred. But the ending isn't bad. x

//Troye//

I held the sharp pair of scissors in my right hand, my left arm already exposed.

I haven't done this in months.. because I promised Tyler I wouldn't. But that doesn't matter right now, all that matters is how much I want to die right this moment.

My eyes water and my hand shakes, the scissors fall to the floor and I curse aloud.

I'm such a fucking wimp. I can't even slit my fucking wrist open..

This is all my dads fault. He triggered my suicidal thoughts again. He called me fat the other day, he scolded me for forgetting to wash the dishes after dinner just twenty minutes ago. He looked sorry after each incident, but that doesn't mean shit to me.

He doesn't know that I've struggled with anorexia on and off for the past three years.

He doesn't know that I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts daily.

He doesn't know that I have monthly -- sometimes weekly-- panic attacks whilst alone in my bedroom.

He doesn't know that I feel triggered every single fucking time we drive past a bridge.

He doesn't realize how much his words hurt me. Whether its unintentional or not, he makes me feel like shit. I'am shit. I don't deserve this life. I don't deserve to live.

But how will Sage, Tyde, Steele, Mom, and Tyler feel if I left them?.. God, I feel like such a selfish bastard, only thinking about myself and not my family or friends. But would they really care?.. Do they actually love me?

What about all of those times Tyler has went out with his friends and not bothered to even ask me if I'd like to accompany him? He doesn't care about me. Nobody does. And nobody should, either.

I set the scissors down on my bathroom sink, staring into the mirror above. The ugly, anorexic freak stares right back into my soul, making me want to kill myself that much more.

Maybe I should just wait seven minutes and see if I still want to do it then.. Maybe.

"Troye, what are you doing in there? Don't you wanna watch pretty little liars with me?" Sage's voice startled me, making me gasp and knock the scissors onto the floor. They landed with a loud clink sound. She's gonna know.

"Uh, no thank you. I'm just.. Playing angry birds." I panicked, trying to play it cool. Hopefully she can't hear the tears in my pained voice.

"Are you sure? It's the season finale.."

"Y-Yeah.. I'm sure." Her feet padded across my bedroom then door closed behind her.

Maybe I shouldn't kill myself today. I should wait until I'm alone tomorrow, when I've thought through my decision.

I pull out my phone, googling what to do if I'm feeling suicidal. A ton of things came up, but one really caught my attention.

If you're reading this then that most likely means that you're having thoughts about attempting suicide. I wish I could be there with you right now to comfort you, but sadly, that's impossible.

Before I start, I just wan to let you know that I'am not a professional with this kind of crisis, I'am merely a boy trying to help out a few people.

Well, you've gotten this far already, so please just take five minutes to read this and reconsider your thoughts about attempting suicide.

I know someone who used to self harm.. They're very near and dear to my heart. They're my best friend and I love them. I'am in love with them, actually. Long ago they made a promise to me that they'd stop cutting, I'm not quite sure if they've kept their promise, but I have to trust them. Cause without trust we'd have nothing to hold onto.