Worth so much more

What if I told you that 2 years ago I wasn't afraid to die? You stop looking before you cross the street, when you take pills you take how ever many come out of the bottle, you're so care free that you'll do anything and if it puts you in danger that's still okay to you.

It's sad how depression can

take over... your mind, your appearance, Everything.

You become quiet and lonely.You even become afraid of your own reflection because you can tell that there's monsters living inside of you that you yourself has created.

That moment you have no more

tears left because you've cried so much. What if I told you this was me and absolutely no body knew? No one could tell, and if they could it didn't matter because I figured they wouldn't even care. It's pretty amazing how some little words daily can make such an impact on you and who you are.

At one point or another in our childhood lives, we were told to be ourselves; to stand out and people will like you for who YOU are.

I'm not so sure if I believe that anymore.. Isn't it kind of funny how there are lives being lost daily because of bullying but yet the bullying is increasing as quickly as suicide. Isn't it funny how AFTER the person is dead everyone turns around and blames "society" but yet they ARE society? And isn't funny how once a person is gone, people start to recognize them, or care, or miss them... But while they are here and hanging on by a thread no one cared to speak up or lend out a hand or be a friend or to simply ask then if they're okay?

We were all innocent until 6th grade as I remember, now a days I see 3rd graders unhappy with themselves and other kids. My own 5 year old niece puts on my makeup because she believes she is "ugly".. It brings me to tears thinking how young kids like her and others are brought to understand those words and more importantly call themselves and others that.

It's really not fair. For someone so young as 5 years old to already become so sad at their own reflection. For me that was an age for princesses and fairy tales, with magic that I believed existed and animals that would talk to me. I would admire how beautiful the world was, but yet she is sitting there wondering if she looks like a princess because if not, then that's apperently not okay.

Why does it matter where people shop? Why does it matter how people act? Why do you treat them so much less then you just because they don't live in a 2 story house, or wear the stuff you like? Stores are stores. Houses are houses. People are people.

7th grade to 9th grade I was bullied.

Why? The guys I liked, the clothes I wore, the people I was friends with, every little detail about me was either wrong or a mistake. People treated me like shit daily. I put up with it and I took it. Rumors spread. People would talk. I'd get dirty looks. I was living in a night mare. I have had countless nights that I would cry myself to sleep. I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel cared for. I felt worthless, ugly, fat, friendless, lonely, tired, sad, depressed... And so much more. 8th grade was the first year I had ever brought a blade to my wrist. 9th grade was the first year I had ever brought those same blades to my legs... And ankles and shoulders. Why? They were way to noticeable on my arms, the girl who bullied me has seen those angry red lines on my arms and continued to do it. Like I said in the beginning, I was fearless. I wasn't afraid to die. One night I began to write my goodbye letters as tears streamed down my face. To this day I still have them. I still look back and wonder how I could ever do that; how anyone could do that. I don't know what kept me here to be honest, because at one point in my life, I wanted to die and I didn't care where I was going or especially how I was even going to get there.

Do you know how much your words hurt?

And I know you're probably not a bully, but honestly we've all bullied someone at one point or another with out even realizing it. We've all lied to someone and called them fat or ugly or talked crap behind their back. Weather they found out or not, at that very second you were bullying them. As sad as it is to say, I know I've done it too. I think it's important for people to think before they speak.. And I mean truely think..

People ask me today, if I knew I would get bullied that badly would I take it back?or go back in time to fix it? I always say no.. For two reasons

1) I'm still here arn't I? It might have been sad but if I'm still here I know I'm stronger then before it happened.

2) It's made me a better person today, it brought my attention to who I judge and now I don't even judge at all. I have been told over 80 times I'm an inspiration, over 20 that I stopped them from cutting. I've saved 4 lives and stopped two abusive families.. Do you know how thankful I am that I am 15 years old and already helped that much?

If you're bullied now you need to speak up or go talk to someone. If your cutting or have ever cut it's time to learn that, that isn't going to make it better. Yes I know for a fact it helps for at most 10 minutes, but those scars you create hit you 10x harder in the long run.

I'm happy now. I'm 99% different and changed. I'm a better person and in love. I have a sister who knows about my past. I have a cousin and 3 other people I can always always go to. And most importantly I have a boyfriend, who wipes my tears and is there when I fall. He's always there to give me a hug, always there to talk to. Always there to remind me I'm important and beautiful and worth more then I can even imagine.

If you're being bullied or you're in a bad mood, yes cry about it because letting it out is so much better then cutting. But surround yourself with happy pictures and talkative and friendly people. Stop thinking daily that you're ugly, stop believing others because it's all lies!

You are beautiful. You are worth it. You're amazing in every way. You're loved. And even if you feel that you have no friends, I'm here, I'm your friend. Yes I'm talking to you. Yes you have someone who cares. You have me who cares you have family who cares you have a world who CARES! Look in a mirror every morning and start telling yourself positive things, what helped me was I would write with a white board marker on my mirror 1 positive word about my self each day. Before you tie that rope, before you take those pills, before you pull that trigger, or before you jump. I want you to think about how much you really do mean to me and others. You are here for a reason! And for all you know, you've probably made a huge impact on someone's life. You have probably changed someone's life. If you can prove to people that you came from rock bottom, to 100% happy again, you WILL be an inspiration too. You can help others who are bullied. You will begin to feel reason in your life again. Every second of your life will count. When you grow up you'll have a family and a home and you'll look back to this day and begin to cry tears of happiness because YOU did it. Cheer up(: it's not over yet. I love you!! And I'm ALWAYS here to talk.