Disconnected

It's My Fault

It's been three days since I graduated, three days since I got the news about my brother. I haven't left my room once, except for the funeral that was yesterday.

*at the funeral*

It was an open casket and it took everything I had to walk up to my brother. When I got up to him, I put my hand on his head and looked at him. He looked so peaceful. A sad smile made its way onto my face as I remembered all the good times we had together. I had to turn away before I started crying again. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I took one last look at him and walked away to my seat.

*present*

After my mom called me that night I couldn't function. I was like a zombie. I was in denial and wouldn't listen to anyone. Sam somehow calmed me down enough to get me into her vehicle and drive me home. Ever since she took me up to my room and placed me into my bed, I haven't left it since. The only thing I got up for was to change out of my dress the next day and to use the bathroom which I conveniently had one in my room so I didn't have to make contact with anyone.

After three days of not eating or drinking anything besides water I started feeling extremely sick. I decided it was time to get out of bed and start taking care of myself. I knew Drew, my brother, would not want me to keep living this way. I sighed heaving myself off of my bed and made my way over to the bathroom. I washed up and brushed through my hair, which looked like a birds nest, and made my way downstairs. I walked into the kitchen to find my mom drinking coffee and working on her laptop. She looked up from her screen and watched me as I made my way over to the cupboard grabbing a bowl for cereal. After I poured myself some cereal and milk, I took a seat beside my mom.

"Afternoon sweetie," my mom half smiled to me as I sat down. Her voice was raspy and you could tell she had been crying a lot. I lost my brother and she lost a son. She looked broken and I hated seeing her like this. And to top it all off my dad showed up at the funeral with another women whom he was having an affair with and filed a divorce with my mom in front of everyone. She was strong though and just took the papers and walked away. I admired her strength but that night when she got home she was a mess. I was a mess myself so I couldn't help her. We just held each other and cried before I went and locked myself in my room again. "How are you doing?" She asked softy, breaking me away from my thoughts.

"I'm hanging on," I told her truthfully, not in the mood to fake emotions. She gave me a smile and pulled me into a hug. It was nice being held by someone who cared. It was as if her hug to piece me back together. We pulled out from the hug and she went back to her work while I ate my cereal. We both weren't in the mood for a conversation so it was a comfortable silence. I decided to look through my phone and maybe text Sam that I was still alive. I was looking through all my messages, most of them just people sending their condolences about Drew, when one specific text caught my eye. I clicked on it and tried not to cry as I read the message:

Unknown Number:
This is all your fault. Because of you Drew is dead. If it wasn't for your stupid graduation and him having to be there he would still be alive right now. It's all your fault that I'll never see him again. You ruined my fucking life.

I stared at the text not knowing what to do. Thoughts immediately filled my head. Who was this person? And why were they saying this all of the sudden? But the worst of all was that they were right. If it wasn't for him wanting to surprise me at my graduation he would still be alive. I killed my brother.

***

Hey sorry for the late update. I go camping every weekend so I don't have wifi. Anyways I hope this is okay and feedback would be amazing. I have a few more parts that I wrote over the weekend that I'll upload this week and hopefully I can continuously write. I love you all and I hope you had an amazing weekend! If you start school tomorrow, or have already started, I wish you luck and remember, you can do this! :)
~Laryssa