It's 3:52 am yet I'm still awake. Thinking a lot of things. I dunno how or where
should start to explain what's on my thoughts.
How does people define love? is it based on what's their point of view
in life? thru their experiences? or based on what their fantacy talks about?
Does loving should be painful? Should it be prideless? Should it be shameless?
should it be perfect? I've got lots of questions that confused me.
So let start here. I fell in love twice. Most of my past relationship are all
jokes for me, like if they intend to have a relationship with me, they should
able to understand and accept my dose and don't..my likes and dislikes.
I don't give a Damn bout their feelings. Yes, I am self-centered, 'Coz I know
they don't deserve what should I give. I always put rules. I control the game.
But every relationship I had, it never stop me from thinking............What is love?
for them, this boys, what is love for them? is it mix with lust? pleasure? enjoyment?
I really dunno. And I guess I'm a coward not to know the answers even if I'm asking
it even to myself.
I met alot of people. People who seek needs. People who look for a affection.
a neediness of care. They party all night, mingle with different person
they barely know. Looking for a mistake, a love they thought it was.
I've been there..but every morning you woke up, you have to face reality again
that what infront of you is what we called LIFE.
I'm good when giving advices to my friends, telling them all the right things to do.
Are you like me? But, when you are in trouble, your heart is in the battle mode..
None of any advices for yourself may come in.Like you are stuck there, waiting for
some miracle to happen in able for you to understand and surpass the situation.
Telling yourself you can manage, but deep inside you are already dying.
Saying you are brave, but your knees are about to bend. When we were hurt, we become
indenial with our pains, comforting ourselves and making believe soon you'll be fine.
but too bad no one knows when.
When I first fell in love, I thought it was my moment to shine, like it is my infinite love.
but when our relationship was gettin far, I felt unsecured, i felt anytime..
something might go wrong. that any moment by now this things I called LOVE will
eventually wreck. Then I'm starting to ask, does love should be like this?
Scary, doubtfull, painful, sorrowful..like you feel you are always blue.
When he told me there is someone else, like thru out the relationship I thought
will last forever was been a joke after all. I kept all the pain, the hatred, the cry for myself.
alone in my room, inside the cold walls with the silent night. I cried hard.
I blame my stupidity, I blame my heart...I blame all the things that makes me
feel like I am no one, I am worthless, I am nothing.
When I'm done crying a river, I get up. Start dressing myself. Start seeing the world again.
I learned how to fake my smile perfectly, to show them I am so strong, but I'm not...
Yet, I have to be brave, for myself. Coz in times of sorrow, God will only be the one whose going
to provide you your strength, the battle is between your brain and heart.
I enjoyed myself, start fixing my own self... my medication is music, my bestfriend is my bible,
my shock absorber is my pen and paper.
I said. Life goes on, even how many failed Love you have, life keeps on going.
Life won't stop just bcoz you cried, just becoz you weep.No..Life is a bitch.
it cares no one.
When I am able regain myself again, when I already enjoyed having my own company. No hassle, no one to text goodmorning nor goodnight. No one to ask any permission to go here and there. That's when my second Love came in. It was normal day for me though, until I saw her again. Like..its been a year. my childhood first love, my puppy love.
When we start dating each other and I felt something, I wrote I song for her....
a song I never sang, even to her. But things was complicated. There are past that need to be settle.
heart needs to decide. And like I was between on the two mountains, waiting for each one's decision. Like yeah! If this thing fail, gonna start walking away again, walk, walk,walk until
I reach what's for me. But she stays with me, it surprise me. I know her, but I don't knew her.
and until now we are still together. Until now I am still able to fight for both of us, I am able to endure the pain, I am able to stay with her even how many misunderstanding we had.....I am able to smile genuinely after the rain.
Thru the experiences I had.. I could say Love is not a noun, its not even a verb. It not a thing to be seen. Love is Love. Simple but amazing. Anyone may define Love, but all the words that describe it, all come back to one word. LOVE. No need to explain or elaborate, no need to argue nor debate, no need to confuse ourself. When you know it is Love, you'll able to underatand it. No words are required.
Spread Love, Keep smiling.. Oneday, someday it might not toay..but soon enough..
someone will come to your way, and all of the sadness you had, will be history.
There might be storm sometimes, but when you know you'll spend it with the right one
you know a rainbow will follow. Relationship will never be perfect, human have weakness,
but it will always up to you how to protect the home you build of Love, a home you can call your own
happiness. ^_^
