Wedding Dress

It came in the mail today.

It was a pretty little thing; red, pink and beige with thin, curling cursive.

You are hereby invited to the marriage of Alexander White and...

The ripped half fluttered slowly to the ground. It was soon followed by the rest of the invitation. All that was left in my hands was a small note that had been tucked carefully into the invitation.

Dear Jessica,

I don’t know why I’m sending you this. I just wanted you to know, I guess. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. I’d understand. If you decide not to come, I want you to remember something. I am happy with her. I will always be happy with her. Don’t worry over me, don’t even think about me anymore if it causes you pain. I’ll be fine, and you’ll be better off without me and our past getting in the way of your life. Let me go, Jess. Please.

Sincerely, and with all my love,

Alexander

He’d signed his name with flourished letters, as though he’d written the note with a light and unburdened heart. Which, judging from what he had written, he had. My heart burned in my chest as I sat staring at the note, no tears spilling from my eyes. Yet.

He was happy. He’d found a wife. He didn’t need me anymore.

The truth slowly sunk into my brain and I let out a long breath that I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. I looked for a second at the invitation. Tomorrow. He was getting married tomorrow.

Hysteria overcame me at that moment as I began sobbing and screaming his name, my head in my hands, his last note twisted in my grip. Soon, the letter was ruined, stained with my tears and my heart. All that was left was his signature, “Sincerely, and with all my love, Alexander.”

It’d been just three months. Three months since he’d finally cracked under pressure and left me, repeating words that the nation had been whispering to him for years, words that he’d tried to ignore. Words that broke down the mighty, fearless Alexander White.

“This is wrong, Jess. We’re wrong. I can’t be with someone like you. I’m sorry I ever told you otherwise.”

I’d waited. I would have waited for far longer. I’d wait until he finally realized the truth and came back to me saying “I love you.”

He was never coming back.

I went to bed that night knowing that I couldn’t give up my last chance to keep him. The dress that he’d bought me, a beautiful, plunging red dress, before he’d broken up with me hung in my closet, ready to make its first and final appearance.

I arrived at the church with minutes to spare. I tugged at my dress, it had gotten very baggy since three months ago, and I’d lost a lot of weight. I exchanged nods with people whom I recognized, people who gave me sympathetic glances and too kind words. I avoided the eyes of those who were glaring at me, whispering nasty words that they had no courage to say to my face. These people were the reason why we’d split up in the first place.

I took my seat in the very back, the last pew, the seat in the farthest corner from the spotlight center. I looked around the familiar chapel, recognizing the altar that I’d obsessed over when I’d been planning our wedding...

The room was decorated in white and filled with flowers. It was nothing like JiYong’s style; it must’ve been hers, his fiancée. I still hadn’t bothered to figure out her name. I looked over the people; I saw Alex’s family up front; his mother looking happy for the first time in years, his father stood up front, next to his son. It was a funny sight because the last time I’d seen him, he’d threatened to disown JiYong for seeing a “gold-digger”.

Last, but certainly not least, my eyes settled on him, the groom-to-be. He looked...unbelievable. He looked more beautiful that I’d ever seen him in his perfectly tailored suit, cut gracefully and lined with red. Now that was the Alex I knew. The one who was unafraid of what others had to say about him, the one who did all he could to stand out.

That Alex was lost to me.

He stood up at the front, looking vaguely uncomfortable as his head swivelled round and round, searching for something. I didn’t bother hoping that it was me that he was looking for.

It was time. As the music began to play, all the guests turned around simultaneously to see the bride-to-be in her wedding dress. Everyone except me, that is. I kept my eyes locked on the man in front that didn’t glow or beam at the sight of his fiancée. He stood there emotionlessly, watching her as if he were dreading each step that she took.

When she came into my line of vision, all I saw was her back. She was tall; not model tall, but above average tall. She had long, black hair that fell in soft curls down her back. She wore a traditional lacy wedding dress with a long train. She walked arm in arm with her middle-aged father. Even from behind she looked beautiful.

At that moment, I felt someone’s eyes on me. When I looked back at Alex, it was his eyes that were trained on me. His expression had changed from emotionless to grief-stricken. We locked eyes like that until his fiancée took his hand embarrassedly when he didn’t reach out for her. Only then did his eyes flicker back to her, his expression changed visibly. He put on a brave smile that looked twisted and horribly forced.

The couple began their vows, Alex sweating and stuttering and the audience starting to whisper. With each vow, I shrunk back into my seat. I closed my eyes halfway through, trying to pretend that he didn’t mean them, that he was saving those words for me. Pitifully, my brain was not tricked and I ended up stabbing myself in the heart over and over again.

“... speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Silence rung in the room, as JiYong shot a quick glance at me. I looked away from him, remaining silent.

“Do you, Sarah McCarthy, take this man, Alexander White, as your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“Do you, Alexander White, take this woman, Sarah McCarthy, as your lawfully wedded wife?”

Instead of looking at her, Sarah McCarthy, he looked instead at me. His eyes bored into mine, and even from this far away, I could see desperation, fear, regret, sadness, love, pain, and exhaustion in his eyes as he tried to share one last moment with me.

Suddenly, I was whisked into my own thoughts.

What am I doing here? What was I even thinking? How could I ruin this for him? For my Alexander White? How could I rob him of his chance at a normal, and possibly happy, future? How could I thrust him back into the world of hatred and scorn? How could I be so selfish as to think that I could make everything better?

I couldn’t.

I focused back on him. Anxious whispers that were steadily getting louder filled the room as Sarah looked at him in horror and embarrassment and his parents gazed at him in anger. I looked into his eyes one last time. This time, I didn’t see that mix of emotions that I’d seen before. Instead, I saw determination and love only. From the grim set of his mouth, I knew that he was a moment away from throwing everything away and saying, hell no. This was my last chance.

Just as Alexander White opened his mouth, I stood up. All eyes turned to me. Before Alex could make the choice, I made it for him. I turned and quickly walked out of the doors, never looking back.

I don’t know what happened after I left. I didn’t stay in California long enough to hear about it on the news. And when the news went global, I didn’t listen. It’s been 5 years since the incident. It’s been 5 years since I’ve made any contact with him or anyone that I’d left behind, and I don’t plan on ever doing so.

All I hope is that Alexander White, wherever he is, made the right decision and saved himself. That Alexander White is living at least a somewhat content life. That Alexander White has let me go.