Forever Missing Him ⊳ Marran

Forever missing him

"Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle; it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.
And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong"

- Youth by Daughter.

The warm sun on my face is a comforting sensation for me, the only thing that seems to show happiness anymore. I see him with a silver arrow sticking out of his chest with blood dripping out of the wound and surrounding him like a puddle of dark red liquid. Screaming... someone is screaming but I don't know who... it's not until I open my eyes, I find out it's me.

Waking up screaming isn't something new for me, it's been happening since this started and it's only gotten worse. I'd give anything to have my mum come back to give me a hug and tell me everything was just a dream but she's gone for good, just like him. It's been at least six months since that day and it still feels like yesterday that I lost him, the pain never stops and if anything, it's gotten worse and it doesn't show any signs of stopping.

There's so much I wanted to say, to tell him but now it's too late. He's gone and he's never coming back. I had told myself those seven words over and over but somehow, my brain refused to believe it. There was still a glimmer of hope of seeing him again inside my head. To see his smile, the way his eyes shone when he laughed, the way he'd always step in to protect his friends... then the way his eyes looked into mine as the life left his body and he went limp in my arms.

Those thoughts always come back but he never does. And I hope to god I don't have to live with these thoughts for much longer – they'll end up killing me if I'm not careful enough.

I pulled my dirty and well worn-in Hello Kitty blanket over me – yes, a little childish, I do admit but it kept me warm and was comfortable – and tried to go back to sleep since I guessed it was around two or three in the morning and it was still dark so that meant I had a few more hours left to sleep and get some proper rest before the day properly started.

I was back in the sunlight but something was different, I could feel it. The dirty world I lived in suddenly felt clean and fresh. My clothes that I had grown used to being covered in mud and dirt and blood were now as clean as they were after I put them on after they had been in the washing machine.

I seemed to be in some sort of park, but I was surrounded by thick fog so I couldn't exactly tell where I was since I could barely see twenty feet in front of me. The grass was damp between my feet and everything was quiet; too quiet for my liking.

Then I heard someone's feet come towards me and I turned around to look and see the one person I had been wishing to see for months. Arran. He still looked the same way I remember him, although he wasn't bitten nor as war torn as he was when he died.

Once we were facing each other, I couldn't help but place my hands on his cheeks, bringing his face closer to mine. I could feel his hot breath on my face, warming me instantly. Everything in that moment just didn't matter. The grown-ups, the infection, the fighting... everything just didn't matter and all that did matter was him and me.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally decided to speak up. "I've missed you, and there's just so much I want to say I don't know how to tell you or say it in a way you can understand." I take a deep breath before I continue. "I guess what I really wanted to say was; I'm sorry, I wish I could've helped you."

If that was happening in real life, I would have been crying but in this dream, I seemed to have a heart of steel that never seemed to bend or get broken easily. If only I was like that in real life then I would be able to let Arran go and move on from him. But life is never that easy.

Arran simply smiled, a hand cupping my cheek as his thumb caressed it. "Don't beat yourself up over this. What happened wasn't your fault, it could have happened to any one of us. I'm just sorry we didn't get enough time together and to actually talk like normal teenagers rather than discuss how we're going to kill the latest group of grown-ups."

I laughed at that, my head resting on his shoulder for a moment before be brought my head back up to his and pressed his lips to mine. His lips were soft and warm and seemed to fit with mine perfectly, like they were made for each other. The perfect first kiss.

And that was when I woke up, and all traces of my dream were gone. Although, my lips did remember that sensation of Arran's lips on mine, which lead me to firmly convince myself that it was just a dream and nothing more. Although it was a perfect dream about the words I never got to say to the boy who stole my heart.