The way he was

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Short Story, by Rachael Johnston

I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw this boy, he was gorgeous, Brown hair, blue eyes and he played guitar. I added him and he quickly accepted my friend request, he seemed eager to talk to me because 10 minutes later I had received an inbox from him, I was ecstatic that someone that was that attractive was even talking to me. We talked for hours, we had realised an hour into the conversation that we had gone to the same school and were in the same classes. I remembered him the moment he told me he went to the same school as me, I had a crush on him in science class when I first moved to that school, he moved to another school 2 weeks later and I never thought I would talk to him ever again. We got along so well, we talked that whole night and we just kept speaking to each other every day for 2 weeks straight. It was the start of January so it was school holidays, we decided to meet each other and then from there it blossomed; 3 weeks after knowing each other we decided to start dating. We spoke to each other every day and saw each other every single weekend.

Although I wasn't a virgin, he was. We decided to have sex only 2 months into the relationship and things were quite awkward for the first 3 months but after that they started to become normal. About 6 months into the relationship I brought out the L word, I told him I loved him for the first time and he was so quick to say it back, he had been waiting months to tell me but was waiting for me to say it first. And for the second time in my life I had meant it, I had fallen in love again and this time it was for real. He was my longest relationship by this point, I had never wanted to be with someone as much as I wanted to be with him, Nathan had stolen my heart. 7 months we were starting to talk about our futures together, I was only 16 at the time and I was so sure on him, I was so sure that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and so was he.

After a whole year of dating we had both already left school, I was having troubles at home with my mum and her boyfriend, I was only 17 and I had run away from home to live in Newcastle. I spoke to him every single day and every day that I was there he would tell me how much he missed me. After 2 weeks of living in Newcastle with my friend his mother had asked me to move in with them because they couldn't cope with me not being there anymore and they missed me so much, I was so happy because I got to be close to him again. I had moved in with him and everything was perfect, I cooked him dinner every night, we arranged the room so that it was suited for both of us and I got to wake up to him every morning and sleep next to him every night. It was so blissful for the first month, until I started to feel like Cinderella. I cooked him dinner every single night, I cleaned the house while his mother was at work, I washed his clothes, I washed the dishes, I cleaned our bedroom and he would just sit and play his xbox without lifting a finger to help.

Around 6 months of living there (1 year and 9 months into the relationship) his sister had decided to move back home with her 1 year old son. His sister was the worst to live with, she was dirty, manipulative, nosey, controlling and worst of all she was 2 faced. After only a month of living with her I was already at a low point and my relationship was starting to look bad, he had started to hit me when we mucked around, I had no idea that it was abusive, I thought he was mucking around... because he would tell me that I was the love of his life. He had started to shut me out, when I was telling him how crappy I felt he would only tell me to stop my whinging and to get over it, he had stopped caring about how I felt. Things had gotten worse with the verbal and emotional abuse around 1 year and 11 months, I was very depressed and I had an argument with him one night. I was so angry that I left the house and walked all the way to the train station, I was standing on the bridge waiting for a train to come by so that I could just jump and let everything go. Nathan had scared me sometimes, whenever I had wanted to leave him and I had my suitcase packed ready to call my mother to leave he would only take my phone from me, stand in front of the door and tell me that I wasn't allowed to leave him.

2 Years into the relationship and I had expressed how much I wanted to have a baby with him, at first he was really annoyed and told me that it was a stupid idea. 2 years and 3 months into the relationship we talked about it again, we had decided that once we moved into our own house, both had full time jobs, we both had our P's and a car that we would try for a baby. He knew how much it meant to me and he had come around to the idea of being a father, we had started choosing baby names for both girls and boys. He had told me that he wanted 3 children but I only wanted 2, he was happy with the idea of 2 boys and a girl, he wanted our daughter to look exactly like me. But once it was 2 years and 6 months he decided he wasn't ready to be a father, he wanted to wait until we were married. We had already that on our 4 year anniversary he would propose to me, we'd be engaged for 2 years and then get married. We were waiting 2 years after marriage to have our first child and then 2 years after our first child to try again for a second baby.

It was hard living with Nathan, one minute he would control and manipulate me, the next he would tell me how much he loved me. 3 years into the relationship the physical abuse was a little more frequent, he would hit me hard once a month or 2. By 3 years and 2 months he had made me feel so fat, so ugly and so useless, I was at my lowest point I had been in a long time. I remember a week before the last physical attack he had made on me, he told me that I would never find anyone else because no one else would ever want me. My own boyfriend of 3 years, the guy I thought was the love of my life, told me that I wasn't good enough.

The last attack 3 years, 2 months and 2 weeks into the relationship he had hit me after an argument. The argument started because I wouldn't eat something, he threw his hat at me so I threw it back at him, he had thrown it back at me and I just threw it on the floor. I was ready to give up on the argument but something just went off in his mind and he was angry. I could see the look in his eyes, he looked me in the eyes as he came at me and hit me really hard in my arm, making a bruise appear where he had lashed out at me. I was crying because I was so scared, he came closer to me, realised what he had done and left the room. I had rushed and put all of my things in a suit case and called my mother. She had picked me up and as soon as we were the next street away I had told her what had happened as tears streamed down my face. I had tried to make it work for 2 weeks after the incident, I was living at my mothers and I spent 1 of the weekends with him before I had ended things, I didn't know what to do because I thought he was the love of my life. I had spent so many years and so much effort on this one person who I had given literally everything I could give to. My feelings had just diminished, they had started to fade probably a year before what happened had happened but I had still loved him. I loved him until I couldn't love him anymore. I will never forget what had happened and how I had felt about him, but I would never go back, mainly because I have no desire to anymore. There are times where I do miss him, he was my best friend for so long and he understood me more than anyone else could, that will always be my biggest regret with him. I regret being romantically involved with him, because he was someone I cared deeply for and the romance only killed everything. It hurt losing him, not only because I had loved him, but because I lost my best friend and I can never get that back.

I have only ever told the people who matter the most to me what had actually happened and it feels weird to open up about this.

I don't feel like a victim because we were so in love at the time, but I can't help feel like a victim as well because I was not in a good place because of his mental and verbal abuse. Physical abuse may not have been a big issue in my relationship with him, but mental and verbal abuse had me on the verge of suicide. I forgive him for his mistakes but I don't think I can ever forget what he put me through within those 2 years and I will never let a man or woman treat me the way he had treated me. I wish my ex boyfriend all the best in life, but I will not go out of my way to speak to him unless I absolutely need to. I have found an amazing boyfriend since and it's still new, but he's definitely something special and he cherishes all of me and always wants to know if I'm doing okay. It's hard to adjust to someone so amazing, but I'm definitely trying (:

(graphic details were left out because I didn't want to be too specific with things and this is as brief as i could make it)