A Ryden Fic

        They met when they were only children. They had both just turned 5 years old, and they were in the same kindergarten class. Brendon was the super happy, hyper kid that was everyone’s best friend. Ryan was the quiet, grumpy child that did not like to play with the other children or share toys. They were polar opposites.
        One day, towards the end of kindergarten, Brendon decided he was going to become Ryan’s best friend. He didn’t know what made him want to befriend the quiet boy, but he just knew it was the right thing. He approached Ryan and tapped his shoulder. “You’re my new best friend, okay? That means we have to stick together forever, okay?” Ryan didn’t know what to say. No one had ever wanted to be his friend before, let alone his best friend. Suddenly shy, he mumbled, “Okay, I guess.” Brendon sat down next to him, grinning. For the rest of the day, they built a castle out of blocks. This was the beginning of a long, long relationship.
        For the rest of that year, Brendon and Ryan were inseparable. If Ryan went somewhere, Brendon was right behind him. Then, the summer came. Thankfully Ryan lived only a few blocks from Brendon, so they spent the entire break at Brendon’s house, building castles with his Legos. They both prayed that they would get put in the same class again so that they could continue to be best friends.
        Miraculously, every year for the next 5 years, Ryan and Brendon were placed in the same class. And for those 5 years, they were still inseparable. Then, it was time for Middle School. Both Brendon and Ryan knew that they weren’t going to see each other as much at school, but they promised to stay as close as they always had been. Ryan broke that promise in the 8th grade. He stopped talking to Brendon, and started ignoring him whenever he saw him. Brendon was heartbroken, and spent his last year of Middle School spiraling into depression. He had lost his only friend, and, in the absence of Ryan, began to realize he wished Ryan was more than just his friend.
        Ryan, on the other hand, had broken off his friendship with Brendon because he was afraid of falling in love with him. He had started having feelings for Brendon at the beginning of 6th grade. He didn’t want to fall any more in love with him, because he didn’t think Brendon liked him like that. He didn’t want to lose Brendon, but he didn’t want to hurt him, either. Being away from Brendon was killing him, and he could see how hurt Brendon was, too.
        The summer before high school came and went, and Ryan was still missing Brendon. While picking up his schedule the day before school, he ran right into Brendon. Brendon looked up and saw who he bumped into, and almost burst into tears. “I miss you…” He mumbled. Ryan whispered, “I miss you too…” Brendon started crying, and Ryan looked about ready to sob.  “Why did we ever stop talking?” Brendon asked. “I don’t wanna talk about it at school,” Ryan mumbled. “Let’s go to my place, and I’ll explain.”
      By the time they got to Ryan’s place, Brendon was so happy, he was shaking. He had gotten his best friend back. They sat down on Ryan’s couch, a couch Brendon had sat on countless times. This time, however, felt different. They had barely sat down before Brendon was talking. “So, why’d you stop talking to me?” He asked hurriedly. Ryan frowned and said, “This is really hard for me to talk about, but I’m going to do it. I stopped talking to you because I was falling in love with you. I didn’t want to hurt our friendship. So I stopped talking to you.”  Brendon stared at him for a moment, and then suddenly kissed Ryan. Taken by surprise, Ryan sat there stiff with shock for a second, and Brendon pulled back from the kiss. “Ryan Ross, I’ve loved you since I met you. You stupid idiot, I love you. All this time, I thought you stopped talking to me because you hated me.” Brendon looked close to tears. Ryan moved closer and pulled Brendon into a tight hug. “I thought I was protecting you. If I had known you felt the same way…” Ryan trailed off, seeing that Brendon was now crying. “Bren. I am so sorry. I love you. I really thought I was protecting you. I promise, I will never ever let you go, no matter what happens, okay?” Brendon nodded and buried his head in Ryan’s neck, shaking with sobs. Ryan rubbed his back, mumbling, “It’s okay, I’m here. I’m not leaving you.”
        Finally Brendon calmed down and lifted his head off of Ryan’s shoulder. He looked down at Ryan’s tear stained shirt. “I think I kind of ruined your shirt…” He mumbled. Ryan looked at the shirt, shrugged, and said, “It’s only a shirt. You mean a lot more to me than some stupid shirt.” He kissed Brendon lightly on the cheek, blushing. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that for.” Brendon kissed his cheek back and said, “I think I do.”
        This was the beginning of a relationship that would last many years. As they got older, they became closer, and by the end of their senior year they were completely in love. They made plans to go to their local community college together, and share an apartment.
        After graduating, as planned, they both took the same classes in college and shared an apartment. They were as happy as two people can be. Then, out of nowhere, they started to grow apart again. But, this time, it wasn’t intentional. Ryan got busy with schoolwork, and Brendon was busy with sports. Then, one day, Ryan realized what was happening. He realized that he barely ever talked to Brendon anymore, and when he did, it was about schoolwork. He immediately went to find Brendon, and tell him what was happening. Checking the time, he realized Brendon was in the middle of a soccer game right now. He knew that after that, he would come home and be too tired to talk about anything. He’d have to catch him during halftime.
      He rushed to the game and got there just in time to see an ambulance pull up.  Please don’t be Bren, please God… He rushed to the field, frantically searching the crowd for Brendon’s face. When he didn’t see him anywhere in the crowd, he ran over to the ambulance to find Brendon on a stretcher, his face pale. He pushed past the paramedics, crying. Brendon saw him and tried to sit up. “R-ryan…” He mumbled. Ryan rushed to Brendon’s side and took his hand. Turning to one of the paramedics, he said, “What happened?” The paramedic shook his head. “We don’t know. He just collapsed during the game, that’s all we were told.” He turned to Brendon’s teammates. “Is this true? He collapsed during the game?” They all nodded, and Ryan turned back to Brendon. He squeezed his hand and pushed his hair out of his pale face. “It’s gonna be okay Bren, I promise. Look, I’m here now, everything is alright.” He tried to keep calm, not cry in front of Brendon, but he was shaking all over, trying to hold in the sobs. The paramedics lifted Brendon’s stretcher into the ambulance, and Ryan climbed in with him, never letting go of his hand.
        When they got to the emergency room, Ryan was told he wasn’t allowed to go with Brendon while they tried to figure out what was wrong with him. He sat in the waiting room, shaking with sobs, for 45 minutes before they finally let him in. When he walked into the room, he saw various machines hooked up to his body. The sight of tubes and wires coming out of him made his stomach flop. Still, he went to Brendon’s side and held his hand. Brendon stirred slightly and it sounded like he was trying to talk. “Shhh…” Ryan whispered. “I’m here. It’s alright. I’m here, everything is fine now.” He wanted to cry, seeing Brendon like this, so pale, so weak.
        The doctor came in after about five minutes, clipboard in hand. Ryan jumped up. “What’s wrong with him?” He blurted out. The doctor looked at him for a second and then said, “He passed out on the field and hit his head pretty hard, he might have a concussion. Did you know that Brendon hasn’t eaten barely anything in over a month?” Ryan just stared at the doctor. "No. I didn't know. Is that why he, you know, passed out?" He asked. The doctor nodded and left the room. Ryan sat on the bed next to Brendon. He mumbled, "Jesus Christ, Bren! A month... How did I not notice? This is all my fault, if I hadn't been so busy with schoolwork..." Brendon stirred again, and then opened his eyes. He saw Ryan on the bed, crying, and started to cry, too. “Ryan…” He mumbled, his voice weak. “I’m so sorry…” Ryan nodded. “I know, Bren, I know. Go back to sleep, you need rest. We’ll talk when you’re better.”
        The next day, when Brendon awoke, he saw Ryan sitting on the bed next to him, shaking. For a moment he forgot what had happened yesterday, and began to sit up. When he lifted his head, pain shot through his skull, and he cried out. Ryan jumped up and turned to Brendon, and slowly pushed him back down. “You can’t sit up, Bren. Not yet. You’re still really weak. Does your head hurt now that you’ve laid back down?” Ryan touched Brendon’s forehead lightly. Brendon smiled slightly and said, “No. It only hurts if I move.” He sounded a lot better, but that didn’t make Ryan feel any better. The doctor said he would be hospitalized for at least the rest of the week. “Bren,” Ryan began, “Do you feel up to talking?” Brendon nodded very slowly. “Okay, then tell me, why did you stop eating?” Ryan’s voice broke as he asked the question. Brendon was silent for a minute, then he sighed. “Ry, I just wasn’t hungry. Whenever I ate, I felt sick. Whenever I would skip a meal, I felt strong and powerful; something I’ve never felt before. When I would eat something, I felt weak and stupid.” Ryan just shook his head. “Bren, you can’t just not eat. You could’ve died. Why didn’t you tell me?” There were tears in Ryan’ eyes. Brendon shook his head. “I just couldn’t tell you. I knew you would get mad and upset, and I thought you already were mad at me, and I didn’t want to make it worse…” He trailed off. “Brendon, I was never mad at you. We just kind of got busy with our own things. If I was mad at you, I would have told you. I just wish you would have told me…” Brendon looked down and mumbled something. “What?” Ryan asked. He looked up and shook his head. “Nothing..” Ryan frowned. “Brendon Urie. Tell me what you said. Now.” Brendon shook his head, and turned away from Ryan. “I can’t. I just can’t right now okay?” His voice broke, and Ryan could hear his quiet sobs. “I’m sorry, okay? I really am. I know it’s killing you to see me like this. I wish I could go back and undo this…I just…I don’t know…I was just so upset…I thought I was going to lose you again…I can’t lose you, Ryan…” Ryan just nodded, and then got up to leave Brendon alone.
     Ryan had just fallen asleep when the beeping started. He jumped up and tried to figure out where it was coming from. Then he realized it was Brendon’s heart monitor. “Oh God, no…please no…” he moaned as he watched the line almost go flat. The nurses rushed in and started doing something to Brendon. Ryan’s view was blocked by one of the nurses, and when he tried to move in to see what was going on, a different nurse pulled him out of the room. “I’m sorry honey, but you’re going to have to leave the room for a while, we can’t have any distractions.” Ryan sank to the floor, shaking. “What’s happening to him?” The nurse just shook her head. “I don’t know honey. He was fine up until tonight. Did anything happen that could have upset him? Sometimes when people are this weak, stress can be harmful to them.” Ryan looked at the nurse and moaned, “It’s all my fault then…I tried to make him talk about why he stopped eating…I caused him stress…all my fault…” He began to babble incoherently.
      The nurse helped him back to the waiting room and then left to help with Brendon. Ryan curled into a ball on one of the couches and began to sob. He stayed like that for hours, waiting for a doctor or nurse to come out and tell him that Brendon was okay. The doctor never came. Two hours passed, then four, still nothing. At this point Ryan had begun pacing back and forth in the hospital lobby, mumbling to himself.
    Finally, six hours later, a nurse came down and motioned for Ryan to follow her. Ryan eagerly went with the nurse, happy that they had finally gotten Brendon back to normal. Then the nurse started walking towards the ICU. “Oh god…” Ryan mumbled. The nurse looked at him sympathetically. “I’m so sorry, Hun. We don’t know if he’s going to make it…”
     Ryan slumped against the wall. “But, he has to make it. He just has to. He’s all I’ve got… I can’t lose him… I just can’t.” He turned to the nurse. “You have to help him. What’s wrong with him?” The nurse looked at Ryan solemnly. “We think his heart is failing.”  .”  Ryan stared at the nurse. “I’m so sorry. There’s really nothing we can do…too late for a heart transplant…” Ryan was at a loss for words.
    The nurse pushed open the door to Brendon’s room, and a shaking Ryan stumbled in. Brendon weakly turned his head, saw Ryan, and smiled. Ryan couldn’t help but smile back. “Hey…” He mumbled. Brendon nodded, too weak to speak. “Did they tell you…you know, um, about what’s wrong with you?” Ryan looked at his feet while he asked the question, afraid to look at Brendon. Brendon cleared his throat and weakly said, “Yeah, Ry, they told me. Please don’t think it’s your fault. It would have happened anyway…I caused it, not you.” Ryan shook his head and stepped closer to Brendon. “But, it is my fault. I caused the stress that’s making your heart fail. If I hadn’t stressed you out, you wouldn’t have a failing heart…” His voice broke, and tears welled in his eyes. “No,” Brendon mumbled. “It’s not your fault. I don’t care what you think, it’s not your fault Ryan.” He shook his head and closed his eyes, breathing heavily. “I love you, Ryan…” He mumbled. Then, his monitor started beeping again.
    The nurse pulled Ryan out of the hospital room and led him to the ICU waiting room. Ryan sat down in one of the couches and cried himself to sleep. He woke up a few hours later, got up, and went to check on Brendon. He found him sleeping, and decided not to wake him up. Instead he went for a walk down the other hallways. When he passed the nurse’s station, he heard them talking in a low whisper. “…don’t know if he has much longer, maybe a day or so…” “…feel so sorry for his boyfriend…” “…might not make it through the night…” Ryan quickly walked away, tears blurring in his eyes.
When he returned to Brendon’s room, he still hadn’t woken up. Ryan walked into the room anyways, and sat down on the side of Brendon’s bed. “Hey Bren. I know you’re sleeping, but I wanted to talk to you. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back and change everything. I would be a much better boyfriend, and a better person altogether. I would never get mad at you, and I would never have stopped talking to you. I wish I could go back and make things all better. But I can’t, Bren, I just can’t. And because of that, you’re dying. I hate myself for the pain I’ve caused you. Sometimes I actually wish we had never met. I still remember the day we met. You came up to me like we had been best friends for all of our lives. I was too confused to argue with you, and I remember thinking that maybe if I had one friend, I would be different. Well, I was right. You have been my one and only friend, and you have changed my life in so many ways. You will always be my one and only love. I love you, you frigging idiot, Bren…” Ryan wiped a few tears off his cheek and kissed Brendon on the cheek. Brendon stirred a little but did not wake. Ryan walked out of the room, tears streaming down his face.
      Ryan felt like he had only been asleep a few minutes when a nurse started shaking him. “W-what?” He mumbled, half asleep. The nurse looked close to tears. “I’m sorry hun, but Brendon just died.” Ryan’s eyes flashed open and he stared at the nurse. “No…” He mumbled, and jumped up, heading to Brendon’s room. “It’s not true, it can’t be. It just can’t…” He looked around his boyfriend’s empty room. The nurse took Ryan’s hand and led him out of the room. Ryan went with the nurse, too upset to fight.
    There wasn’t a funeral. Ryan couldn’t stand to see his dead boyfriend in the ground. He was cremated, and his ashes were put into the ocean. Ryan wasn’t the same for the next week. He went to his college classes, but he didn’t really pay attention. Every night he cried himself to sleep, missing the warmth of Brendon next to him.
    Finally, after a month or so, Ryan got up the courage to go through Brendon’s stuff. He started with his closet, pulling out his clothes and folding them. The smell of Brendon lingered on some of his shirts, and it brought tears to his eyes.
     Next was Brendon’s dresser. It was mostly filled with socks, but when he got close to the bottom, he found something that made Ryan begin to sob. It was a picture drawn by Brendon when he was probably seven or eight years old. It showed Ryan and Brendon sitting side by side, smiling and holding hands. Brendon had written at the bottom, ‘Together Forever. Then, in handwriting that looked like it had been done recently, there was a small note. “Ryan. If you’re reading this, then something must have happened. I want you to know that no matter what happened, it wasn’t your fault. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life regretting what we had. Instead, cherish every moment we shared. I loved every second I spent with you. Never forget that I have and always will love you. I will be with you forever, no matter what.” Ryan put down the drawing and laid down on his bed. He cried himself to sleep, but had happy dreams. He dreamt of the day he met Brendon, except in this dream, Ryan was the one to approach Brendon.  He woke up smiling for the first time in weeks.