If You Could See What I See (Anorexia Nervosa)

"A poor self-image. A low self-esteem. A loss of control. That was me." If you could see what i see would it change anything? Probably not. I'd still be teased and taunted but, taunting turns to haunting and i can't stand this. You joke and you kid about it but, it's not a laughing matter. The only thing you're doing is tearing down my self-esteem. It all started with a doubt and a diet and eventually led to a disorder. And all of the little whispers just made my problem worse. I'm so gross. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror, let alone walk down the halls and have everybody staring at me like i have a major sign on my back with big bold letters revealing my insecurities.

My mom said once that there not staring at me any longer than everyone else that they pass by and that i am just over thinking it but, I’m not. That's how it is. I am 120 pounds of pure disgusting-ness. It just sickens me. My P.E. teacher said that I’m right about where i should be for my age group and height during fitness testing but, i know he's lying because these thunder thighs keep building, i want to be like the girls in the magazines’ and movies, and the girls at schools that are popular and skinny. I hate how flabby i feel and I’m ready to change it, starting now. I'm going to try to lose a few pounds just enough to look like all the others.

So far things are going great so far it's been a little over 2 months and I’ve lost about 7 pounds. But, i don't look very different. I still look fat. I'm going to keep my diet up and see if i can lose some more, especially with summer coming up, i don't want to look like a cow next to all of my carbon copie Barbie friends. Don't get me wrong i love them but, I’m jealous of them. Most of them eat lunch every day and still look skinny and beautiful, while i just sit there, hungry, still fat and ugly. That's all going to change, just watch, you'll see.

I decided if I’m going to do this diet and succeed in looking beautiful like all the others, I’m going to have to try harder. Way harder. I'm cutting all snacks, all fast food, and all deserts, and then we'll see whose winning, the calories or me. I'm going to be looking great. But, first I’m going to learn the caloric content in everything. Do vitamins have calories? I need to find out so, i know how much i could lose by cutting them out and by walking my dog a couple more times a week. I hope it works though, i looked in the mirror today and looked more fat than when i started my diet. It better just be water weight.

I'm slowly losing some pounds although it's still not showing and I’m thinking it's my families fault. They practically stuffed the food in my mouth during my little sisters birthday dinner last week. They said that i have to eat more to make sure my body stays healthy but, what are they thinking? That's the last thing i need to do to keep a healthy body, to get a healthy body, i really need to buckle down, i need to do more. But, it's going to be a lot harder now that my parents are trying to make me eat. I'm taking charge of this situation now though. My mom has been putting more food in my lunch and a lot of it has extraordinarily large amounts of calories in them. I can't believe her! She's trying to make me feel worse about myself.... well, she's not getting that advantage over me because now when i get to school, i throw away my lunch. I'm going to show her that i am in charge of my body and how I’m going to look.

I need to try harder because the scale keeps saying that I'm losing pounds and pounds, which sounds great but, it must be broken because every time that i look into the mirror i look like I’m gaining and I’m getting more overweight and people are still looking at me constantly and it's getting overwhelming. It's definitely time to bump things up a bit. I'm trying to get a tan during spring so then in a couple months not only will i be skinny but, I’ll have a beautiful tan but, I’ve been really cold lately and i just can't warm up, even in the sun. it was 90 degrees outside and i was shivering, i must be getting a cold. I hope so, when I’m sick, i don't ever want to eat, and that will help me fight the desire to eat too.