Through Grey Eyes: Fifty Shades of Fatherhood

The Longest Night

"Push, Ana!" I say, her fingers crushing mine as she labors to bear our son.

"I can't. I'm too tired." She tosses her head back in defeat against the pillow. Her chestnut locks spilling around and framing her tear stained face. Even in the throes of agonizing childbirth, she's a goddess.

"No, Ana!" I lift her back up, dabbing sweat from her brow with a cool rag. She feels like she's on fire."You can't give up! Not my strong girl."

The monitors sound. Something's wrong.

"She's in distress," Dr. Greene yells. "We're losing her." The whole place becomes a fury of panicked activity.

"No!" I cry out, lifting Ana and holding her to my heart. "You can't leave me! You said you'd never leave me!"

Suddenly we're swept out the door by the medical team and led down a dark path.

"Chose Blip," she says, gasping for air and fighting to get the words out, like they're her last.

Her monitor flatlines.

"No, Ana!" I grab her shoulders, trying to shake life back into her. The fire gone from her flesh and replaced with ice. It's a cold I've only felt once before; the kind that invades your bones and never leaves you. "I can't live without you. I won't live without you." My words echo, rolling on and on in a hollow void down the endless hallway in front of us that ends in a choice between two doors.

"You have to choose now," Dr. Greene yells at me. "We can only save one- the baby or Ana."

We're barreling toward the hallway's end so fast, everything around me blurs. The shadowy images on the walls surrounding me loom large. I hold tight to Ana's hand, not willing to let her go.

"Which door do we go through, Mr. Grey?"

I don't know which door to choose. I'm afraid that whatever decision I make, I'll have to live with it.

"Mr. Grey, we're going to lose them both!"

Everything goes black. I can't see the doors anymore. I can't see my Ana. Her hand has left mine. I try to call for her, but when I open my mouth, I can't speak. My tongue won't move. I'm helpless.

"Ana!" I wake with a jolt, gasping for breath. I've fallen asleep in my chair of vigil with my head resting on the edge of her mattress; my hand holding hers. I scramble to my feet and see that she's asleep, and well, in the little hospital bed. Relief blankets the chill that's found nest in me. I crawl in beside her, needing to feel her warmth. Knowing Ana, I've discovered that making love doesn't always involve sex. Sometimes, all I need to do is hold her close. I nuzzle her hair, inhaling the scent that is only hers and only mine. She stirs.

"What is it?" she asks, her eyes full of sleep as she turns to look up at me. Clear blue sparkling through her lashes as the dim light of early morning breaks through the blinds.

"I love you." And, I say it like no truer words have ever been said, because they haven't. I wrap my arms around her and squeeze tightly, never wanting to let her go again.

"I love you, too." She takes my hand and moves it beneath hers on top of her belly. I can feel my son dancing inside of her or maybe growing claustrophobic and kicking to get out. I sigh in relief; they're both okay.

"No, you don't understand the way that I love you." I bury my face in her hair, hiding the emotion welling in my eyes. You're such a sap. Don't let her see you crying, Grey.

"Yes, I do, because I love you back the same." My son kicks enthusiastically beneath our intertwined fingers. "We both do." She turns back to me and wipes my eye with a soft stroke of her thumb. She knows me and my sappiness so well.