Hazardous To Your Health

I got a letter from my best friend Mark the other day. Mark is in the Navy, so the letters I got from him every other week or so were something I looked forward to, as I usually only got bills and advertisements.

Mark led off with his usual tasteless joke, followed by his request for me to send him some cassettes, and asking me to say "hello" to some friends on his behalf.

Then I got to the last line, where he usually leaves me with something that gives me a good laugh. But this time, I got a surprise:

"I'm going to be home on leave much earlier than expected. Forget late January, I'll be back on Friday, December 13th. Two whole weeks for Christmas. BE READY TO PARTY."

Since my last day of classes was Friday, December 13th, I definitely planned on being ready. I couldn't think of anything better than spending my Christmas break soaked in an alcoholic haze with my friends. The last few weeks of classes sped by, and I actually did pretty well, despite the fact that I did most of my work at the last minute.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13th: At about 6:30pm, the phone rang. I answered, and heard the caller utter two words:

"Ten minutes."

The phone clicked, leaving only the dialtone. I immediately called my girlfriend Lisa, and told her and Liz (Mark's girlfriend) to be ready in about 30 minutes. Liz and Lisa live next door to each other.

After the ritual of last-minute running around looking for my cigars and lighter, I found them sitting on the kitchen counter. My mother was preparing dinner, and saw me pick them up. "You know, smoking is hazardous to your health, and it's gonna kill you one of these days," she lectured. I nodded and pretty ignored her, thinking what every normal kid my age thinks – that he or she is gonna live forever.

I walked out onto the porch as my mother warned me to be careful. I pulled an old lawn chair out of the corner, sat down, lit a cigar, and put on my gloves. It was snowing very hard, but what was coming down looked like big chunks of white confetti, and there was a slight chill in the air. All in all, it was a very nice night, the kind every kid wanted to see at Christmas.

As I got about halfway thru my cigar, I saw a snow-white Grand Prix turn the corner and come down my street. While it slowed to a stop in front of my house, I tossed the remains of my cigar, and carefully made my way down the now-slippery steps. I scuffled through the powdery stuff, and opened the car door, only to be greeted with a snowball in the face.

"Merry Christmas, asshole!!"

"Yeah, and Happy Fuckin' New Year to you too, ya piece of shit," I replied, wiping snow off my glasses.

"Quit draggin', and get in the car. It's party time!" Mark whooped.

I got in the car.

Mark didn't stop laughing until we turned the corner, and crossed the railroad tracks. He reached into his floor console and pulled out a cigarette. Taking advantage of the moment, I took out my silver lighter and lit up another cigar.

"Hey, man, that's a nice lighter. Where did you pick that up at?"

"It belonged to my dad. When he died, it sorta became mine. It's the only thing I have to remember him by."

"So, when did you start smoking again? I thought you quit a while back..."

"Stress. School. It'll do it every time," I replied sharply, and changed the subject. "So, how's the Navy been treating you, pal?"

"Well, the food sucks, but that's the Navy for you. Anyway, it's not as bad as it seems. I do miss all my friends, though... especially Liz."

"So, when are you and Liz finally gonna get married?" I teased, knowing he didn't like to hear that question.