Random Thoughts of a Teenage Girl

Idek mmmmkay

I feel like SCREAMING
I can't say anything because people I know read this and I don't want to hurt them but seriously my mind is just screaming and I know it's going to find its way out my lips sometime
And tears roll down my emotionless face
Cold dead eyes closed
Set on nothingness
And if I reach forward for what I really really am aiming for I'll hurt so many people by doing the unspeakable
But it's mostly just one person
One person who keeps things better than this
This
Object
I'll call and EXCUSE for NOTHING
But so much stress is set on me
I just really want to do this okay
I mean one isn't much
But I know that if I do one
I'll want to do more
And I will unconsciously
As in without my exact knowing
On the 30th I did once on an accident then caused 3 more and then while I was saying I wouldn't do another I realized I was literally about to touch my skin with the deathly object once again.
But
I stopped myself

And now it's a very appropriate moment to do so again but if I do he would
Unless I didn't tell him
But I tell him everything there's absolutely no. way. I could just NOT tell him. I mean he keeps all my secrets and loves me more than anybody and then what do I do in return? Turn behind his back and do exactly what he told me specifically NOT to do
Even though I promised right to his face that I would. not. Do. It. And here I am THINKING about doing it.

What the hell???
Stop it.

I know I know your life sucks but it'll suck 127x more if you went behind his back and did that. And then he finds out and you hadn't told him and it's been like 4 months idk but he finds out and is absolutely BEYOND PISSED AT YOU FOR KEEPING IT A SECRET FOR SO LONG
AND THEN HE GOES
AND DOES IT IN FRONT OF YOU
EVEN THOUGH YOU FALL ON THE GROUND BECAUSE YOUR LEGS GAVE OUT FROM CRYING SO HARD HE WOULD PROBABLY HELP YOU UP BUT STILL CONTINUE TO BE ABSOLUTELY BEYOND PISSED AT YOU
I MEAN
SERIOUSLY
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING
THANK
GOD
LORD
BABY
JESUS
THAT YOU DIDNT AND YOU LEFT THE FUCKING THINGS ALONE EVEN THOUGH YOU CUT THEM OUT AT LEAST THEYRE NOT CAUSING DAMAGE
I MEAN
SERIOUSLY?! Don't you have ANY common sense.
Yes
You do
Use it
Try not unconsciously do random shit that you know will hurt people
Stop being a selfish
Greedy
BITCH
Like your
Sadly to say
Sister
That's making you and his life a living hell.
She's like fucking psychotic for God's sake!
She threatened to kill him
She is one HELL of a horrible mistake by the fucking CREATOR OF EARTH HIMSELF.

Okay I need to calm my ass
Seriously though
Calm.