My Love Life As An American Loser

"Hi. My name is Elias Swiston. I'm 17 and in senior year. Uh. Well, My friend's kind of put me up to this. I don't really know what to say. Uhm. Well, I have a Ferret named Gypsy. And, uh, I'm nice I guess. I'm going to Yale. I , uh, I'm majoring in criminal psychology. I have a 5.0 GPA. My all-time hero is Superman. Because he can pretty much do it all. I mean he can do the invisible thing, and the x-ray vision. He's freaking awesome. My favorite movies are the Transformer series. What I look for in a girl? Well I like long, natural blonds. I like size 2. I would want someone who's nice. Someone with a personality." I push up my glasses.

"That will be all Mr. Swiston." I exit the room in the drama center of our school.

"How was it." My only friend asked me. He was waiting outside the door. He was an outcast, as was I. Except he was on the other end of the scale. He chose to be an outcast, he was a bad-ass. I was doomed to outcastness because I was a geek.

"Trey, you promised all I had to do was fill out a paper. What the hell was that!?" He laughs.

"Look at you saying hell. I'm so proud." he holds his hands over his heart, pretending to be endeared.

"Let's just get to the truck." He nods and walks to the student parking lot. His truck is the biggest, and brightest. it's covered in a deep black then airbrushed on are purple skulls. Very Trey.

He throws his pack into the bed. I open the back door and place my back pack on the seat. Then I climb into the passengers seat and buckle up. Trey starts the car and revs the engine. I grasp the door handle and hold on tightly.

"Where to Eli?" He asks me. I shrug but don't want him to pick. For all I know he's going to take me to a strip club.

"Let's go to Flavios'." I tell him. It's an arcade/comic/Bar.

"Flavios' it is then." there isn't many places the Trey will go. Flavios' is one he can tolerate. It's dark. It's somewhat devoid of other people. It's what I'd imagine his paradise being.

"Do you know when I'm supposed to get the results?" I ask him.

"Like you have results." He smirks. That leaves the score; Trey- 7,000,000,000,000 Me- 0 

"It's not like you would either." I say.

"Are you kidding? Girl's love guy's their parent's are afraid of. If I just said the word I could have girls lined up. At least i can get laid whenever I want." I look out the window. He's right. I haven't so much as even kissed a girl other than my own mother. Never even had a girlfriend.

"Whatever." I sigh.

"What did I make the little girl cry?" He asks. I turn and glare at him. He's just being normal Trey. I know he can't help it. But I still didn't like it.

We pull up outside Flavios'. The parking lot is almost all the way empty. I suspect that the three crappy cars that are parked out front belong to the few guys working today. We take our usual seat. A back booth in the farthest corner of the room. Trey likes the dark exclusiveness. I like the girl who waits on us on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Unfortunately today was a Wednesday and my 16-year-old brother was working today.

"What do ya want today?" He came by.

"Take a guess pee-wee." Trey tells him.

"Two orders of the usual it is." He walks away. I can't help but think that it's my dad's fault I am gameless. My brother seems to have gotten most of the looks. As well as the girls. We're complete opposites. I'm thin and dark. I take after my mother and inherited her olive skin. I have brown hair, whereas my brother has blond hair. His eyes are brown; mine are blue. Currently he has 4 girlfriends. Currently I have none. I want to kill him. End-of-story.

"So have you gotten your gown yet?" I ask. My brother, Kelin, brings us our drinks. One diet Coke, and a Dr. Pepper.

"I don't think I'm going to graduation. I think I'm just going to have my diploma mailed." he takes a sip of his Dr. Pepper.

"What do you mean you're not going to graduation? Doesn't your mom want to see you graduate?"

"When she has five other kids to take care of, I don't think she has the time." He takes another sip.

"My brother might be able to babysit for her." I glance over at him where he is rolling his eyes. Kelin hates kids. With a passion.

"It's ok. I don't wanna go anyway. It's not that big of a deal anyway."

"Dammit. How am i gonna get a ride now?" He shrugs. Kelin brings over a tray of hot wings. Trey takes a bite out of one.

"Thanks sweetheart." He grins at Kelin. Kelin gets to the kitchen as fast as he can.

"I'm gonna go look at the comic books. Maybe play a few games." Trey nods and continues satisfying his love for hot wings. I get to the section that sells my drug. Comics. I go strait to the DC comics and  search for my man. Superman. I already have everything they are selling. That's ok though. I just loving being in the section. Sometimes a curious girl even wanders through. Fingering the softness of the pages and skimming the words. These aren't the kind I'm really interested in. But a vagina is a vagina. 

No one is here but Trey and I now. So I go to the arcade. Classics are here. Like pac-man. That's the game I love. But then you can come here to play Rock Band too. Flavios' is like an all-purpose place. My favorite really.  

"Elias! Come here." Trey calls out as I'm about to put a coin in the machine. I rush over to where he has pretty much inhaled the wings.

"What?" I sit down in my seat.

"I just figured out what we're gonna do before you leave for college.

"What?"

"Become a man." I look at him, confused.

"You'll see." He says. Now, I am scared shitless.