Showdown at West Road

The sun was high.. it was 6 o'clock in the morning in the small western town known as West Road.

And 2 not so dangerous outlaws were having a showdown.

They really wanted to have it at high noon, but but they were idiots and thought, because the sun was high, it was high noon.

Even when they heard a rooster crow they thought it was the evening rooster.

Honestly, if either of them got any thicker you could bake a cake with them.

Their names were Ham and Geoffrey. Geoffrey, now that's a pretty normal name, Ham though not so much.

My guess is, his parents were either drunk, hungry or both when they thought of it.

What was even weirder was the reason they were here. They were here to have a shootout to the death.

You see, the whole reason they wanted to kill each other started when ham was looking for gold in George Canyon. The word 'bout that place was that it had no gold in it at all.

But Ham thought that this was the perfect reason to go looking for some gold there. He thought that if there was no one there then the gold would grow back quicker.

Yep.. that dumb sack of shit thought that gold grows like apples grow on trees.

So he takes his horse Bessie up the hill to that canyon and starts looking for a spot to mine.

And for being a dumb little sack of shit he is, it's pretty amazing that he thought about bringing 12 sticks of T.N.T as well as a shovel and a pickaxe up there.

So he looks for the perfect spot to mine and goes too high. So, to get down he tries to make Bessie jump down a cliff that would kill her.

Now Bessie being much smarter than old ham is, throws him off and sends him down the cliff.

He lives. But he does this by landing crotch first on a cactus. Best way I can describe that kind of pain is by tellin' you to stick your pinkie down the spout of a hot kettle.

Don't do that by the way.. it'll be a nasty burn for weeks.

So anyway, Ham now spiked on the ouchies, hobbles over in pain to Geoffrey's shack near the old White Horse Express.

He then grabs one of the milk cans Geoffrey had ordered earlier, to tip down his pants to relieve some of the pain.

Only... Geoffrey comes home on his horse Butter Stick.. err, don't ask me why he called it that.. and gets irrationally mad about his stolen milk.

He gets off butter stick and tries to kill Ham there and then with his shotgun.

Ham ducks and weaves until he gets close enough to Butter Stick to ride her.

Only problem is, there's still some cactus stuck on him. So when he sits on the horse he pokes both himself and Butter Stick something shocking. Naturally Butter Stick runs off with Ham still on her.

Ham gets way further away then he needed to. So now you know why they want to kill each other:

Geoffrey for the spiking of his horse and theft of his milk.

And Ham because the other tried to kill him on first sight.

So.. here they are. Both idiots facing each other to the death over what was basically spilled milk..

"Oh you have had it coming ham! I'm going to grab this here stick of dynamite and ram it so hard up your ass it will blow your head off!"

"Heh.. I'd like to see you try you wasted old coot. I bet you can't even do that. Besides, I'm going to do so much better. I'm going to rob a bank, blame it on you, then save you from being executed by hanging, just so I can throw you off a cliff foot first!"

"That doesn't make a lick of sense!"

"just like that tattoo you have on your ass, raving about how beavers stole your pants."

"I don't have a tattoo!"

"EXACTLY MY POINT!"

Yeah.. this sort of stupid conversation went on for at least 10 minutes while they both circled each other like drunk crabs.

 They were supposed to slowly draw their guns and fire at each other. Instead they bumped into each other and tripped over again and again.

Then they drew their guns. Only, instead of firing right away they still talked.

"You know what gets you the upper hand in a battle like this?" asked Ham with a crazy twitch in his eye.

Geoffrey didn't answer so Ham answered the question anyway.

"THE UNEXPECTED!!" And with that one line Ham pulled out his gun and shot himself right in the ribs.

"Heh.. bet ya didn't expect that one.. DIDJAAAH!!" Then he coughed up a bit of blood and died.

Geoffrey stood there ,astounded at the sheer stupidity of his foe. When the surprise wore off he started to loot hams body.

"You're dumb as a box of bricks aren't you?"

He said giving him a few kicks.

"Heh, I bet you didn't even load the gun with any more bullets did you? Hehehe! Look I won't even shoot myself!"

Poor Geoffrey.. he never realized he was wrong because when he pulled the trigger he shot himself in the head.

So there they lay. Both rivals of the shootout and both dead by their own stupidity.

And they would have lain there all morning if the sheriff's deputy Demings didn't come running out of the office holding his waist.

"Now hold on there, people! Don't anybody go shooting each other today!
I needed a moment to tie on the faulty strap so my pants don't fall down, but I will have you know that I am the... law..."

He said, slowly looking down at the bodies.

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?"

As he shouted this to no one in particular, the faulty strap holding his pants up broke, letting them fall down.

Before he could pull them up sheriff Dawson came ridding into town.

"Sorry I'm late Demings. I got a report of a crazed gunman ready to murder someone over a glass of milk and his - holy fish sticks! You killed him! And with your pants fallen off as well!

Just you stay there and I'll get the reporter and his camera. You a hero Demings , a god dam hero!"

"But I-not.. umm EH?!" Said Deming's confused as heck while the reporter was fetched.

So... now you know the story of the showdown. It's a pretty funny tale if I was told right.

And the moral of the story?.. for your mother's sake, please don't ever be as dumb as either of the 2 fools who shot themselves at West Road!

THE END.