History Of Myself (#1)

Well!!!!

This one is going to be a little bit of history for me because why would you read any of my things unless you know what I went through!

My life!

Well, I started growing up in a really wonderfully horrific family with a lot of violence, drugs, insanity, and love. Which kind of works in an extremely weird way! I was raised by my mother and sister at this point, and was subject to seeing a lot of violence between the two. I watched countless nights of fighting, both verbal and physical. I was (in a nutshell) locked away inside the basement with a crappy old TV and a PS1 gaming console. This is where my love affair for gaming began. Anyways, violence and drugs galore in my early childhood! Yay!!! I was, in laments terms, neglected to an extreme degree. Not only was I ignored almost 24/7/365, but I also got to eavesdrop on my mother and sister basically beating the crap out of each other and tearing each other down. At the time I thought this was totally normal, so I basically beat the crap out of anyone I didn't like as a small child, and because of such, I didn't have any friends. I made my own friends; imaginary friends. How I survived is quite a miracle, but luckily I was a tall and an intelligent kid and could make just about anything in the microwave! My imaginary friends were my real friends until I was about 7, which is when I moved in with my father. I could go into more detail about all the neglect and what-not, but it mostly just repeats itself.

Living with my father is literally the definition of a hellish nightmare. He is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I still live with my father, but I will explain why I do later. Anyways, so I basically got beaten everyday for a couple of years. My father is a drunk, and not very intelligent to boot, so dealing with him is quite complicated. I had literally no one to talk to, and I was scared to use my imagination in fear of him. This gave me quite a lot of time to reflect on my own thoughts, and to this day, it is because of that time, that I consider myself a profound thinker. Regardless of his ignorance, I thank him for that time, because without it I would be just as ignorant and stupid as most of the people in my generation are. I am blessed to have that time. Anyways, so after dealing with abuse he sent me to my grandparents house, where I was psychologically tortured by my grandfather. He use to make these horrifying noises that would terrify me and cause me to crawl into a corner and want to cry for quite some time. Speaking of crying, the first time I ever cried myself to sleep (not as a baby of course) would have been when I was 5. Which is unbearable to think about, let alone go through. Back to what I was saying, I was psychologically tortured by a man who claims to be a genius, but can't see love. Only a true genius can see love. At this stage I was probably about 8.

Then the worst of it all happened. I met my psycho step-mother who used to beat my unmercifully and call me the worst names and cut me down into a pile of nothing. She used to beat me with a belt and than make me run up-n-down the stairs and she would always try to push my down. My father always sided with her because he was oblivious and ignorant. However, I had some good come out of this, I met my step-sister, Taylor. She is probably the only reason I am alive. I first attempted to kill myself at age 8. I had a knife in my hand, and I was hysterical, trying to fathom the question of life and death, when she came in the door. I ran to her, and she thought I was going to kill her, so she ran away...seems logical. She still doesn't know I wanted her to save me, and I don't think she ever will. Anyways, so I met a few friends and had a really good talk with this kid named Nick...Nick Marzluaf, or something like that. I remember crying hysterically and talking to him and he calmed me down. Something about that kid...maybe it was his confidence in the way he spoke, I don't know and I probably never will. He is an angel that is upon this Earth, and I will never forget him. When I turned 9, we moved out.

We moved into a nice house across Hilliard and I still live there. The physical abuse and verbal abuse got worse from my father. He used to tell me I was nothing. Luckily, when I was like...13 or something, I met some of my best friends who I know will never leave my life. Colin, Sydney, and Connor. Colin is literally my brother and I would do just about anything for him. Connor is also my brother and his family has basically adopted me, they know what I go through. My friend that I bestow the highest honor upon though, is Sydney. She is my rock when I am broken, she is my light when I wander aimlessly through the dark. She has made me so strong and I don't think she will ever realize it. Without her, I probaby wouldn't be alive either. I can't believe how blessed I am to have her in my life. She makes me feel like I have no problems with me, and she is my best friend in the entire world. She is my sister, not through blood or marriage or anything, but she is my soul sister. With her at my side, I can tackle anything, face any fear, overcome any obstacle, and fight any battle.  She is the epitome of an angel, and she is my guardian on this Earth, I believe. I would do anything for her, and I would lay my life down for her, I would never betray her, and I will always support her. I hope she reads this! Anyways, I have found my family in this world, my soul family. That is what really matters to me.

As I grow older, the physical abuse has lightened but the verbal abuse is evident. I am only 17 right now, as I write this. I am still called nothing, and to be quite honest thoughts of death still cloud my mind, but I have learned one of the most valuable lessons in life.

"The monsters aren't out there, but they are inside us. All of us"I have learned that I can overcome any abuse that is thrown at me, and that the only thing waiting for me is death, and I shall die with a warm smile on my face, friends at my side, and most importantly, a lifetime worth of memories I can relive on the other side. I have fought many battles within my life, and though I have come close to defeat, I have won. I can beat this world and all it's challenges, and I will die a winner, and a man who lived one hell of a life!

For all the people out there that deal with abuse, it gets better, I promise. If you ever need to talk to someone, and maybe just admit something stupid you have done in your life, just tell someone. You can even tell me, you barely know me and I barely know you but that doesn't mean we can't be life long friends in the end, right?