Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 22: I Fucked Up Again, It's All My Fault

*~(The title of this chapter is from Jinx by Green Day.)~*

I only opened the door a tiny bit so he couldn't see inside. "Wh-what are you doing here?" I asked nervously.

"I came to check on you. You didn't wait for me to walk you home today," Pete said.

"Oh. Shit, sorry. I just have a lot on my mind. Lots of drama," I said, which wasn't technically a lie.

"Oh, then that's okay. I hope you feel better, hun."

"Y-yeah. Thanks."

"Why aren't you opening the door? Are you hiding something?" he asked. He was joking, but I was still paranoid.

"N-no. F-Frank and I are just redecorating," I lied again.

"Are you sure everything's okay? You're not acting like yourself. You're acting like a drunk lady," he joked. I still got scared.

"What? N-no! I'm not drunk! I'm j-just redecorating!"

"Okay. Have fun, then. I'll leave you to it, baby," Pete said. He leaned forward and kissed my lips, but I hardly kissed back.

"Bye," I said. He waved, then I shut the door.

I turned back around and looked at Gerard. He was still in his same spot on the couch. Fuck, why must his spot be the one with the better view of the door?

"So... That's your boyfriend, huh?" Gerard asked awkwardly. He looked sad and uncomfortable.

"Y-yeah."

"Are you sure you love him? I'm not even saying this to get you to come back to me. I'm serious. Are you sure? You seem kind of uncomfortable around him."

"I... It's just new to me. He's a great guy, I'm just not quite used to the relationship yet. Of course I have some mixed feelings and trust issues after what you did. It's going to take time to get serious about a relationship again but Pete is definitely the man I want to be with when I'm ready to be serious again. He treats me well. He respects me. He'd be faithful to me, unlike you."

"If you have mixed feelings for him, you probably shouldn't be with him. You should probably tell him. He has a right to know his relationship is purely one-sided."

I paused. Gerard definitely had a point.

Suddenly I started crying. It was probably the alcohol still clouding my judgement, but I decided to let everything out and be honest with Gerard. I cried into my hands as I spoke. "I don't know what to do, Gerard! I don't love Pete! I don't love anybody! I can't trust anybody! I hate myself so much! I got so wasted today, and it made me realize how fucked everything is! I have mixed feelings for my current boyfriend, and I have mixed feelings for you! When you kissed me, I expected to be fucking repulsed, but I wasn't! It fucking felt right! When Pete kisses me it feels so wrong. Everything has gone to shit! It's fucked, Gerard! It's completely fucked!" I bawled.

"Sky, did you really get drunk today?"

I nodded. "Y-yeah," I gulped. "Everything is so fucked!"

I was pretty sure he started crying too. "And I caused everything to be fucked because I was too stupid to stay faithful to the best girl I'll ever have. Everything is my fault. I hate seeing you so broken, especially knowing I caused it. That innocent, happy girl I fell in love with is gone, and it's all my fault."

He held me and we both bawled without saying a word for while. He grabbed my hand and gently rubbed it with his thumb to soothe me.

Although, his hand slipped and the silence became filled with tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

*~Possible trigger warning~*

When his hand slipped he had accidentally bumped my sleeve, which revealed just enough of my arm to display some of the newer scars I had created.

"I thought you stopped this shit," he said.

I cried even harder now. "I'm sorry! I let everybody down! I told everybody I'd stop! It... It was just too much for me to handle! My parents died, then, not too long after that, I found out you cheated on me! It was too much for me to handle. I-I needed some way to ease the pain. I didn't know how else to do it."

*~End possible trigger warning~*

"This is all my fucking fault. I'm so sorry, Sky."

"It's not your fault. It's completely mine. If I wouldn't have gotten hospitalized, my parents wouldn't have come home, so they'd still be alive. They died on their way back from visiting me. If I hadn't gotten hospitalized that day, I wouldn't have forgotten about you, and you never would have cheated on me. It's all my fault."

"None of that is your fault. It's not your fault you got hospitalized. It's not your fault your parents died, and it's definitely not your fault I cheated. There's no excuse for my cheating. I was depressed and drunk and angry and lonely, so I made a really stupid decision that I will probably regret every single day for the rest of my life. I hurt the girl I love. There's nothing worse than that. It will never be your fault, honey."

"It is my fault. I'd still be happy if I never got hospitalized. Plus, I wasn't good enough for you. I didn't keep you satisfied. You had urges that I couldn't satisfy. I wanted romance and you wanted sex. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I thought sex wasn't always needed to be in a relationship. I guess I was wrong. I get it. I get why you cheated. I'm sorry I couldn't satisfy your needs."

"Please don't blame yourself, Sky. It was all my fault. I needed to learn to control my urges. I was drunk and depressed and wrongfully angry that you didn't remember me, so I decided to sleep with Eliza for some stupid reason. I was wasted and depressed. My judgement was so clouded. Not that that's an excuse. There's really no excuse, but I'm so sorry. If there was any way I could make life better for you, I would."

He held me close as we both shook with sobs. He wrapped his arms around me and held me to his chest so I could cry into it. This was nice. It was nice to be held by him again, even if it was just to get me to stop crying. He soothingly hushed me and gently rubbed my back. I felt at peace in his arms.