The Amazing Story of Betty's Life- Stoopid Stories #1

The Quest For The Golden Applesauce- Stoopid Stories #2

I awoke with a eerie sensation, and I knew...

I MUST BEGIN MY QUEST FOR THE GOLDEN APPLESAUCE!

Right then and there, at four 'o clock in the morning, head to toe in my jim-jams, I embarked on my journey. It was going to be a long trip ahead of me. The Golden Applesauce's temple was all the way at the end of the street! And I lived almost ten houses down! I prepared myself for the worse, and began my agonizing walk.

By the time I got to the end of my fifteen foot driveway, I was out of breath, and my feet were killing me. This adventure of mine was not going to be fun. Too late to turn back now though. I must continue on! It is my destiny!

I rounded the corner and stepped onto the street, and I started to hear soft padded footsteps behind me. There stood...

THE BIG BAD WOLF!

He asked for my lunch money, and i asked him why. He said he wanted it.

I asked why. He said cause he just wanted it.

I asked why. He said because I want your freaking money!

I asked why he wanted my lunch money instead of my breakfast money, because breakfast came first and he wouldn't be able to spend my lunch money on breakfast because then he wouldn't have any money for lunch. He said well then give me your breakfast money!

I asked what he'd do about lunch then. He said JUST GIVE ME YOUR BREAKFAST AND LUNCH MONEY THEN!

I replied, but I don't have any money with me. Why don't you go and ask him if he has any money. I say, pointing to Harry Potter, who stood behind the Wolf. He looks loaded. He's got to be hiding some money under that ugly black robe. And the wand and glasses makes him look real easy to beat up! And what's up with that lightning scar?! Ya, go beat him up, cause if you don't I will for ya!

The Big Bad Wolf walked over to Harry Potter and asked him for his lunch money. When Harry said no, the Big Bad Wolf punched Harry in his bifocals, and then Harry shouted EXPERLLIARMUS! and the Big Bad Wolf disappeared. Harry then turns to Voldemort, who was standing there watching the whole shin-dig take place, and shouts YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME!? Voldey shakes his head, fear in his eyes. Harry nods, Good, he says. Oh, and here's your nose back. He hands Voldemort's nose back to him, and they happily skip away.

Putting that whole episode behind me, I continued my journey to the Golden Applesauce's temple. Not ten feet from where I left the Big Bad Wolf-Harry Potter duel, out from the bushes popped some...

GIANT ROGUE SOUR PATCH KIDS!

Not these little punks! First they're sour, then they're sweet. These ones had ninja stars and huge blades and baseball bats. One of them even had a flame-thrower! I was really not excited about this sour to sweet moment. I had a strong feeling that this was going to be a lot worse than the commercial says. I closed my eyes, and waited for the pain, and when it never came I opened my eyes to discover...

THAT ARETHA FRANKLIN WAS THERE WITH HER GIANT BOW SHEILDING ME FROM THE SOUR PATCH KIDS!

I was saved once again, by Aretha and her huge bow! She came and went after the sour patch kids left, just like Spiderman. She shot some webs out of her wrists and swung away into the night.

Back to my quest I went.

Getting bored, I started to whistle some NSYNC song, and suddenly beside me on the road there came...

A PIRATES SHIP! They abducted me, and held me hostage for about three seconds, and then they made me walk the plank. Which I thought was odd because we weren't out in the ocean, I would just land on cement. I didn't object, they were pirates, they knew what they were doing better than I did. So I jumped. And I landed on...

THE BACK OF A FLYING ELEPHANT!

I shall name him...

KEVIN!

We flew around for a little bit, until I noticed that....

KEVIN WAS EATING A GIRAFFE!

I dove off Kevin's back as fast as I could! Disgusting canibals these days.

I was almost to the temple now! I could see it stretching higher above the other buildings around it! My quest was almost complete! I began to run, and after a few yards, I tripped over something in the road that I didn't see before.

Ow! Hey watch where you're going! The thing yelled at me.

Sorry! I didn't see you there! I said, feeling bad, I bent over to pick it up. When I held it up to the light of the setting moon I realized...

IT WAS A TALKING FOOT!

I screamed AH and threw it as far and hard as I could. So, basically it landed about four feet away. I bolted towards the temple and before I knew it, I was at its front doors.

I gave the handle a firm tug, to find...

IT WAS LOCKED!

I tried the other door and...

THAT ONE WAS LOCKED TOO!

No! No! No! I shouted at the doors. You can't be locked! It's my destiny!

Then I saw the sign on the door. It said...

STORE HOURS: 8:00am TO 10:00pm EVERY DAY.

I looked at my watch, it said 4:18. I shouted to the sky. DAMMIT!