Start again (a spencer reid fanfic)

Ten: Earth shattering silence

KATRINS P.O.V

"When I close my eyes its like a dark Paradise" ~ Unknown

*DREAM*

I trip, nearly falling flat on my face as I follow the man who refers to himself as
"Chief Jordan Michaels" and is quite possibly the most pissed off looking person on the planet.
"Hunter!" We reach the opening of a tent and Michaels calls to a group of men sitting at a makeshift table in the corner dealing out a deck of cards.
None of them look up, oblivious to the fact we're standing there and oblivious to the fact I'm lugging a heavy bag around, being a personal pack mule.
"Hunter!" Again no one looks up, someone even blows a plume of smoke from a cigar in the tent and I resist the urge to cough my lings out.
"Benson!" One guy, the one farthest away, glances up at us and quirks an eyebrow .
Michaels beckons him over with a finger and he sets his cards down before walking over to us.
"Yes sir?" He runs a hand through his dark blond hair and looks from Michaels to me with eyes the color of emeralds. He has an English accent that makes laughter bubble up inside me for no particular reason.
"This is Katrina-"
"Katrin" I mutter through a clenched jaw
"Katrin Coleman, she arrived an hour ago" Michaels tells the guy- Hunter?- who's face seems to show recognition at my name.
"Oh, my second in command" he extends a hand for me to shake before taking my bag from me and shouldering it.
"Benson when you informed me you'd chosen someone to be your second in command I was under the impression you meant a man not a 22 year old girl" Michaels says with a short burst of cold laughter.
We both glare up at him and I go to speak, only to have Hunter interject and say
"She outshone all the men".
I look across, confused and find myself staring at a khaki clad shoulder, discovering I am considerably shorter than him.
"We'll see" is all Michaels says before walking off, presumably to go make someone else's day miserable.
"What crawled up his ass and died?" I mumble and Hunter snorts
"Something from Hell" he turns to me, looking down "I'm Hunter Benson"
I smile
"Katrin Coleman, not to be confused with Katrina"
He chuckles
"I'll remember that"
"Hey Hunter!" A man at the table calls and we both turn to face him "are you gonna come join us again!?"
"Be there in a mo" Hunter says before dumping my stuff in a corner
"Have you ever played poker?" He asks, almost sheepishly.
I grin like a fiend .
"Of course, I grew up playing poker"
He smiles
"I made a good choice with you... Care to join us?" He nods to the small gathering and I shrug
"Why not?"
And so, because back then I was optimistic as to how my future would turn out and believed it might somehow turn out good I followed him to the table.
"This is Jude, Jasper, Harry-" he began introducing me to who would become practically my brothers over the next half year, introducing me to the people I'd lose during the next half year. And yet I was naive enough to think I could keep them...

*END OF DREAM*

The heart monitor is racing when I wake with a start, pushing my hair from my face and letting out a breath I wasn't even previously aware I'd been holding.
For a moment I believe I'm in my bed at home, until I realize the walls are white, there's a heart monitor beside me and I have an IV protruding from my arm.
Not home. Then I remember what happened and bury my face in my hands.
My skin begins to itch uncontrollably as if the ash is still clinging to me and, deciding I've had enough I yank myself free of the heart monitor and propel myself out of bed.
Waves of dizziness immediately roll over me but I just shake my head and walk down the corridor, pulling on my sleeves to make sure they cover the scars on the insides of both my arms.
I should've just died that night...

I feel something deep inside me pang and twist as I pass a girl with ash blond hair and ocean blue eyes that reminds me of my sister.
"Coleman?" I turn and the world spins a little before coming to a stop and revealing Hotch standing a few meters away with two cups of coffee in his hands.
"Who are they for?" I ask bleakly, nodding toward the cups in his hand and he holds one out to me
"Believe it or not I was coming for an early morning visit and I  guessed you'd be up"
I close a shaky hand around my cup and the world tilts again, making me shut my eyes.
"Sit down" Hotch leads me to a row of chairs against the wall and we both sit down, me with my head in my hands as I attempt to block out the pain stabbing at every inch of my body.
"H-how did you know I'd be awake?" I ask, looking over at him and he gives me a look of..... What is it? I can't quite place it.
Knowing?...
"I know a lot"
"Like what?" I say, sipping at the warm beverage in my hands.
"I know that you lost someone very close to you when you were young and the way you lost them made you want to do the job you do, then you lost every friend you've had the confidence to make and I know you lost the only family you still possessed, how I don't know, I just know you lost them. And as a result you're now a too scared to get close to people"
I blink once, twice
"And when you do feel yourself crossing that line, drifting towards someone you run for the hills because no matter how alive that person makes you feel you know there's still that chance you'll lose them".
I stare down at my shoes, knowing what he's saying, while true, is nothing compared to some things.
"That's nothing" I mumble
"I know you've attempted suicide every year since the bombing that killed 23 of your friends, I know you know have severe P.T.S.D that is, somewhat getting better now and I know how worried you are about everything you've just started to build up again crashing back down" he shrugs "I know things. Even if they aren't in the database".
He looks at me with eyes filled with kindness that shatter every defense, every wall I've built up over the years of isolation I've become so accustomed to.
"You're profiling me" I say, scrambling for my composure
"No, I'm telling you what you're too scared to tell yourself" with that he stands and walks off down the hall toward my room, presumably to go see Reid.
And in my own time, I follow, stacking up my defenses one by one on the way. But they've been broken. And broken things go one of two ways.
They either end up stronger than they were before- or they never function the same.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"So my lovlies, what would you like for breakfast?" Garcia chirps, positioning the giant teddy the team has bought for us on the windowsill.
"Jello!" Spencer says cheerfully.
The lights are off, the curtains shut and no light is allowed within ten feet or Garcia vows to hack into the system and cut the power.
"K?" I continue staring off at nothing, Hotch's words echoing in my mind.
"Katrin?" Spencer's voice snaps me back to reality and I turn to him
"Yeah?"
"Do you want breakfast?" He asks and I shake my head
"No I-I'm not hungry".
Everyone gives me worried looks and JJ comes to sit near me
"You need to eat" she slips a hand into mine and I let her, the warmth sending waves through my body
"I will. In a bit"
She rubs my shoulder comfortingly and Emily gives me a weak smile.

"I don't mean to be the Debbie downer" Rossi says as he enters the room bearing Jello and numerous beverages for the team "but Coleman just had her house blown up. Where is she going to stay?".
I suddenly feel like being violently sick and swallow hard, curling onto my side.
"With me" Spencer mumbles "she can stay with me"
"Reid are you-" Morgan begins and Reid nods
"Positive".
The team share questioning glances before nodding
"Okay" Hotch concedes.
I let out a sigh.
"Hey um, we found some boxes of stuff in your car yesterday" JJ says, looking up at me from her chair "we could just eave it outside Reid's apartment or..."
"Just leave it in the car" I tell them and no one speaks a word.

After breakfast, which is a drink of water for me, a nurse comes and tells us we've both been discharged.
Hotch drives us to Reid's apartment with JJ sitting between us in the back and Emily with Hotch up front.
And the whole trip.
No one ever even.
Speaks a word.                                                                                                                                                               Not one. . . .

A/N: It's my birthday tomorrow!!!!! YAAAAYYYY

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~ Spencer-the-kat