Don't be the lion

Cub Part 1

To be honest i am a coward. From the moment i learned about animals , i liked the tiger . When i watched Disney i liked the Mulan story .. and soo on . I always liked brave people ... because you see , they have something i dont have ... that tiny thing known by name as COURAGE . I am so coward that when i was in pain i was thinking about suicide but i was to scared to do it . I dont even have courage to go to a store alone, i struggle by the door and hardly open it after tons of worries . Don't take me wrong im not a good person , actually am bad ... because you see , i dont care . No really , people say , if you worry it means u care , nope , it isnt like this ... i just don't like people , or maybe who knows i don't like myself.

You know what's strange , in life i have meet all kind of people . I mean good people , bad people , fake people , true people , caring people , mean people and i was hurt and loved by lots of them ... but if o draw a line and look back ... to be honest i cant remember the love ... it feels like a dream ... and the pain , oh the pain feels so real ... and im still hurt . You know , someone say that people dont remember what you say , but how you made them feel ... so that means love is weak in front of pain ?

If i think back now , truth is love was pain too. For me loving hurts like hell. Hurts so much that i cant breath. I always thought love is that pink bubble that surrounds you with warm feelings ... and yeah its a pink bubble ... that was true ... but warm feelings last for a second ... pain last forever .

I read what i write and laugh you may think i'm a player or something , to be honest im just a virgin ghost ... hahaha, no kidding i really am . Did u ever noticed that people who don't know love , talk so well about it , and people who know love dont tell anything ... so that means love is a secret ? Or maybe a secret organization like CIA hahah you know that ting , if i'll tell you , i need to kill you ... maybe thats it . Once you find out whats love about , you keep it for yourself afraid that if you tell someone about it you will loose it . I am so twisted , i like love but i dont want to love . All my life i was the one that was loved , not the one that loves. And every time i was close to the edge of falling in love i ran away. I ran away from the moment i was born. And you know whats worse ... to know that you need to stop running but you dont want to. I'd like to find my destination soon , you know ... i've been running for so long that it became a habit.

I'm a crybaby. Literally i cry at commercials, but the real crying goes inside , flooding my soul and drowning it ... killing it . But then again , i have the power to stop my crying but i dont do it ... is like smoking ... you know is killing you but you dont want to stop . You say i wont die if i smoke one , or 2 or tomorrow , or next year ... so it become a habit. And later you die , yea just because you smoke that one cigar .... so i wonder when the time will come ... will i run for last time or i will stop ?