Forbidden Love

My name is Matthew, and this is my story. Me and my boyfriend, Shaine, have been together for almost a year. It's March 27, 2014. Shaine is moving away tomorrow. It's the last day I will be able to see Shaine. I'm a freshman in college. He's a sophomore. We fell in love in high school and have been dating ever since. Shaine is moving a state away and its breaks my heart knowing I won't see him for a while. Lately I've been having thoughts, about us, our family, our pets... We we're supposed to be adopting a baby boy. We planned on naming him Clark, because we both love superman. With only a day left, we got stuck at school. At the end of the day our friends said bye. I was the last one to say bye. I held him so tight and didn't want to let him go. I held back tears and as we released each other's embrace he gave me one last kiss. I ran to Gretchen and hugged her. She's my rock, without her, I may have already been gone. Suicidal thoughts have been going through my mind. I had a relapse and cut my wrists but I tried so hard not to. Knowing he's leaving shattered my heart, my hope for existence. I'm starting to give up. Before today I gave up on class work and I'm starting to fail my classes. Knowing he's leaving is all I've been focused on. What will I do once he's gone? Will I end it all? I can't... right? What would my family do, my friends? Would they be sad or would they understand? I can't take this pain anymore. I need you back. I know you'll be back from Mississippi, but when? How long will I have to wait until I can hold you again? I'm lost. I know I'll have to endure this pain in hopes of him coming back sooner or later. I know I said that Gretchen is my rock but honestly, Shaine held me down tighter. He was my world. Now its like I'm lost at sea with waves crashing down over me pushing me deeper and deeper. Like I'm falling to the core of the earth through Marinas trench. He isn't that far, I understand he will come back to visit but, not being able to see him, touch him, hold him, smell him, and love him every day is going to eat away at me. This is the strongest pain I've felt in a long time if not ever. Hearing him tell us good bye almost brought me to my knees. He hasn't called me all day... I'm worried about him. He usually updates me on how he's been and how school is going for him. Now he's at UOM. What do I do now? It's been a week and 4 days since he left and it feels like it's been forever already. I wish I could go see you at school but I don't want to tease him or myself. On the bright side I got myself a new car, the car we were going to get together, a yellow Camaro with a black pinstripe... just like bumblebee. Not seeing you has been hell but I've been watching every Disney movie possible, remembering how you'd hold me and sing the songs to me, making myself think you were here. I have our song on repeat in the car. I haven't written in a while because I didn't want to miss you more, but I had class and decided to continue this log-thing. I really don't know what I'm going to do without you. Like I said, it's only been a WEEK but feels like forever. I keep telling myself you'll be back soon but how do I know that. I need you here... when are you coming back...?

I heard from your mom the other day... This can't possibly be real. Did you honestly die...? Did you leave me here alone to attend stupid UOM by myself? I love you forever and always and you know that but I know now that one day soon I'll be seeing you once again. I don't know how much longer I can go without you... I love you Shaine.