Taming Life

Note

I stayed in the toilets for the rest of break. I managed to stop crying eventually, but I was sad. How stupid could I have been? Of course nothing would change. Just because Alex and I were together, supposedly, of course she wouldn't change the way she treated me in public. I was stupid to think that she would. Could I even be with her when she said things like that? I wasn't even sure. I headed out of the toilets when the bell went and started walking to my lesson. I walked past Alex and I wanted to burst out crying again. I didn't, and she was on her own. She smiled at me, and I just gave her a blank look. She looked like she was about to stop me, but I rushed past her. Plus of course she couldn't be seen talking to a "weirdo" like me in public. Don't cry Hazel, don't cry, don't cry...

I made it through chemistry without crying, it was a double period and I just focused the entire time to try and let myself forget everything, to stop myself from getting distracted and ending up spending the lesson upsetting myself. It got to the point where I was finishing my work incredibly slowly, writing as neatly as I could and taking my time, just so that I wasn't sat there with nothing to do at any point. Any work I didn't do now I could do in the library at lunch and that would stop me thinking about everything then as well. I rushed out of the classroom when the bell went, heading straight to the library. I didn't want to run in to Alex as I was walking. I kept my head down and even beat the librarian there, she had been photocopying something in a different room. As soon as she let me in I went to a table to finish my chemistry work, and then went to the bookshelf and picked up the first interesting book I saw. It was a book that I knew I'd be reading if I did English literature next year, which I was likely to do. It was the Great Gatsby, and I was finding it very interesting. I was just starting the second chapter when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I walked over to the nearest bathrooms and went into one of the stalls to look at my phone. It was a message from Alex.

Is something wrong? You totally blanked me earlier, do we need to talk?x –Alex

I sighed. I wasn't even sure if she'd noticed that I'd blanked her like that.

I'll be at yours after school.-Hazel

I hated this whole thing. I already knew that I was going to spend the entire afternoon thinking about meeting Alex. Trying to think of every way to stop myself getting upset in front of Alex. Even though it would be inevitable. I knew that I would rehearse and re-rehearse what I was going to say to her in my head a million and one times. And at the time probably mess it up anyway.

When it got to French later I knew that I would have to copy up notes from someone later on. But it wasn't my priority right now at all. I kept thinking of Alex laughing at me, or telling me that she didn't care, or that I was being pathetic. Or what if all of this had been some kind of joke to her? Kissing, cuddles, everything she said to me? I was upsetting myself, but I couldn't help it. The more I realised that I should stop thinking like this, the more I kept thinking about it. When did I even start liking Alex this much? I didn't have a clue.

French finished all too quickly. I tried to take my time walking home, so that I didn't have to see Alex too soon. But then I realised that maybe it was just best if I got this out of the way. I could have gone back to my house first and changed my clothes and dropped my bag off there, but I didn't see the point. I walked straight over to Alex', and waited outside the door. She answered surprisingly quickly, and as soon as I saw her my heart skipped a beat, and I felt incredibly nervous. More nervous than I'd felt thinking about this all afternoon.

"Hey Hazel...do you want to come up to my room?" Alex asked quietly. She seemed different, kind of nervous too.

"Yeah, I guess." I sighed, not giving her any kind of expression. I didn't smile at her at all, even though she'd given me a little smile when she'd opened the door. I wanted to feel bad, before I realised that I'd done nothing wrong. I gulped as we climbed the stairs to her room. Every step I took felt like my heart was beating faster, and faster. When Alex opened the door to her bedroom it felt like the butterflies in my stomach had been multiplied by a million. I hated being this kind of person, to get so ridiculously nervous about this kind of thing. She sat down on her bed, and I sat relatively close to her, awkwardly perching on the edge. There was silence for a few seconds, I looked at the carpet. I could feel Alex' eyes boring into me like a laser.