Outcast

Walking down the narrow road, pitch black, headphones in, singing to myself as crossing the road, heading towards what some people would call a dump, but that was my home, it wasn't first class, but wasn't downgraded either, it was my domain, it had windows, door, a bedroom, bathroom and a toilet, all the basic things a house needed, just because it wasn't in good shape on the outside that didnt mean it wasn't a welcoming home on the inside, coming up to the front door, I noticed the window had been smashed in and the frame of the door has been hit a few times too, what has happened?

I stood there hopelessly thinking to myself, this couldn’t happen to me again, could it? Why won't people leave me alone? Carefully I entered my house without stepping on any glass shards or sharp debris which was difficult in this dark area although it wasn't impossible. I stood dejectedly looking around the rooms; I screamed out loud 'why do people feel the need to graffiti in my property, what have I done to deserve this?' The graffiti stated 'you’re not welcome around here, why don't you go back where you came from!!' I felt sick to the stomach that people could have so much hate just because of my cultural background.

All this started when my dad passed away and my mum had to move because she didn't want all the bad memories  about my dad when he became ill, so we had to leave our original country Spain and we moved to the southern  part of England, we had no money and no food, my mum stayed at home whilst I went to school , I met a friend called 'Gemma' she was sweet and was always kind to me, she'd invite me round to her house  and I told her about the situation with my family and she was very sympathetic, her mum would make me tea and she would give me goodies to take home to my mum because we were short of money and barely able to put  food on the table, I went out and found a part time job it involved going round early hours in the morning  delivering daily newspapers, it wasn't much in the scheme of things but it provided  just  enough spare cash to feed me and mum for a few days, we had to make do with what we had but that doesn't mean I went without.

My mum started to get ill, but she always tried hiding it from me, I'd come home from school and she'd be lying there, with no motivation  to move, she couldn't even pull herself up to go to the toilet or to go for a wash, I had to do everything for her.

I stopped going to school so that I could look after my mum properly, she  told me she didn't want the fuss, she'd always try and make a joke out of everything, even though she struggled to breathe at times, I never left her on her own, every little sigh, every little moan, gasp for breath, cry I heard; I was alert I made sure she was as comfortable as she could be., I could never imagine life without my mum, now my dad was gone, I couldn’t lose my mum, she was my rock she looked out for me, but this one night changed my world; I was in bed and for  some strange reason I was compelled to go and check on her, I ran downstairs fearing the worse and shouted mum, mum, are you okay, I'm here! But she didn’t respond and appeared lifeless, I checked for a heartbeat, but I couldn't find one, I couldn't find a pulse either, I began to panic and lose control of my senses, OH God who do I turn to I thought helplessly, I burst into tears and tried to scream but no sound came out, I dropped to my knees and held my mums hand I was praying to a higher power, please save my mum this isn't the end; please I can't lose her ;I can't be left on my own ;please dear lord, I fumbled for the phone and contacted  emergency, but I knew by then she was already gone, I cried relentlessly, I couldn't speak, I blurted the address at the emergency personnel and asked  them to please hurry, I didn't want to waste another minute without spending it with my mum, I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me, it felt so personal, as if I had been handpicked to undergo some sadistic trial of horror.

I was only 15 and I was alone in the  world without my parents, an orphan. An ambulance came, paramedics flooded in with bright lights flashing all around my tiny world. They  put my poor mother on a stretcher and took her away from me, I fell to the ground, onto my knees, I held my head in my hands, I was distraught with anguish. and sobbed  myself to sleep. I had to go into care, because of my young age. I packed a few things and I went into my mums room. In my mums room was a mobile clothes rail full of my mums old dresses, I picked her favourite dress of the rail and looked at it in my hands, I smelled my mother’s smell on the dress and put my face into the dress crying great tears of sadness as I wrung my hands together. I picked up the teddy I bought her, explaining to her that when I wasn’t here the teddy would represent my absence, she'd do the little side smile to show me she was happy and that it would soothe her when I wasn't indoors.

A few years past and I had to leave, I moved to the northern part of England because I found a job there, I could only afford a little house, its good enough for me it may not  be good enough for others aiming higher than I. So why can't they leave me alone? I lie awake at night, waiting for the mystery footsteps of another intruder entering my home, At this time of the year when we have entered the season of winter. I take a deep breath and breathe out, you know its  bad when you can see your own breathe, my shivering lips and  teeth chattering are the proof of how  low the temperature plummets around here.  I'm trying to stay warm but there is no hope to heat this place, I'm all out of money.

The birds chirping wakes me up, I have to be in work at the crack of dawn, trudging to work with my head  down, the cold winter rain streaks down my face as I'm trying to bring myself to walk just a little bit faster, a long hard day’s work lies ahead. My income doesn’t provide enough to run my home anymore, I would get another position if I had the time and strength but by the time I arrive home late in the evening, I'm shattered; I couldn't hold another job. My life is failing and I'm going downhill, I don't know what to do with myself, since I buried my mum, I visit her grave for hours and sob, hoping for a way out. My tired eyes have started to shut and I'm escaping into a dream world.